Arbitrary Imposition

achilles_d

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Hi, just thought i would post the story im doing based in the HL universe, this is a very rough draft of the feeling i wish to create in this story, comments and feedback are welcome, i will be happy to listen to anyone who thinks its a load of rubbish or very good. Either way i want to hear your point of view.


Arbitrary Imposition

Story by Daniel Emery
Based of the Half-Life 2 Universe


Chapter 1 Breaking the Routine

"Rise and shine, Mr Freeman rise and shine, not that i wish to imply you have been sleeping on the job, no one is more deserving of a rest, and all the efforts in the world would have gone to waste, until, well, lets just
say you hour has come again, the right man in the wrong place, can make all the difference in the world, so wake up Mr Freeman, wake up and, smell the ashes". I wake up, full of sweat, it's the second time I've heard those words spoken to me in a weird voice, i sit up on my matress and hold my head in my hands, i ask myself why this is happening? what it could mean? i don't understand, who is Mr Freeman? I stand up put on my civilian clothes. The blue civilian clothes the combine make us wear, i scratch my head and think for a while were i am and what has happened, then suddenly it all comes back to me, we are enslaved by an Alien race, the Combine, i think Lou was right about the water we drink from those Breen cans, it does make you forget the past, its there best effort to make you forget why we hate the Combine so much, i might aswell have a quick wash, no harm in that, i enter the bathroom look at myself in the mirror I've become a heartless slave, with no life, no job, no purpose, the water doesn't work of course, i remember, the Combine have turned it all off, thats why we have to drink that canned water that makes us forget, I'm tired of this, having to remember everything every morning, now things have just got better i keep having that weird dream, things couldn't be better. I might aswell take a stroll outside.

I take in my surroundings, the towering authority of the Citadel, the sheilded areas of each sector of the city, the dozens of civil protection raiding houses and beating people, i can only hope that im not next. Maybe i should join the combine as a Civil Protection officer, anyway, i better go to the old bank and grab some food. I make my way to the bank in the city center, i can hear the echoing of Dr, Breens video messages through the city streets, the Civil Protection waiting on peoples doorsteps, waiting for someone to break the thousand laws they have developed. I see the old bank in view, it is wriddled with citizens impatiently trying to get in for their meal, there is a big TV type thing towering over the city center square, its Dr Breen talking, explaining to us that this is the best way, that we should be grateful of the Combine. I queue up the never ending line of hungry citizens, everyone not making any sound, irritatingly trying not to talk or complain about the hold up. Two Civil Protection officers walk down the line, checking everyone is unarmed and not breaking any laws, I've almost forgot nearly every law they have forced upon us, they seem to make new ones every day. One of the guards calls the others attention, they begin to talk amongst themselves, they then drag a woman violently threatening to beat her if she doesn't comply, she is taken inside the building, everyone looks nervously away, trying not to make it look like they care, or prevent the actions of the CP's. There is about twenty or so people in front of me now, the queue seems to be going down rapidly. I am nearing the entrance of the old bank, all of this just to get my daily bag of food, that tastes like crap.

I finally make my way through the doors of the old bank, my heart begins to quicken on my entrance to the bank i once used to collect my daily wage from, it's been turned into this highway of lines, linking up to food dispensers attached to the walls.
 
Comma overuse alert.

You may want to make it easier to read by breaking it up into paragraphs.

May I edit it?

Arbitrary Imposition

Story by Daniel Emery (Edited by Jintor, yo!)
Based of the Half-Life 2 Universe


Chapter 1: Breaking the Routine

"Rise and shine, Mr Freeman... rise and shine. Not that I wish to imply you- have been sleeping, on the job... no one is moredeserving of a... rest. And all the efforts in the world would have goneto waste, but... well, let's just
say your hour has... comeagain. The right man inthe wrong place... can make all the dif-ference... in the world. So, wake up, Mr Freeman..., wake up and... smell the ashes".

I wake up, full of sweat. It's the second time I've heard those words spoken to me in a weird voice. I sit up on my mattress and hold my head in my hands, asking myself why this is happening? what it could mean? i don't understand, who is 'Mr Freeman'? I stand up, put on my civilian clothes. The blue civilian clothes the combine make us wear.

I scratch my head and think for a while. Where i am? What has happened? Suddenly it all comes back to me. We are enslaved by an Alien race, the Combine. I think Lou was right about the water we drink from those Breen cans, it does make you forget the past. It's their best effort to make you forget why we hate the Combine so much.

I might as well have a quick wash, no harm in that. I enter the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror. I've become a heartless slave, with no life, no job, no purpose. The water doesn't work of course... i remember, the Combine turned it all off, thats why we have to drink that canned water that makes us forget. I'm tired of this, having to remember everything every morning, now things have just got better i keep having that weird dream, things couldn't be better.

I might as well take a stroll outside.

I take in my surroundings, the towering authority of the Citadel, the shielded areas of each sector of the city, the dozens of civil protection raiding houses and beating people. I can only hope that im not next. Maybe i should join the combine as a Civil Protection officer... anyway, I'd better go to the old bank and grab some food. I make my way to the bank in the city center, i can hear the echoing of Dr. Breen's video messages through the city streets, the Civil Protection waiting on peoples doorsteps, waiting for someone to break the thousand laws they have developed. I see the old bank in view, it is riddled with citizens impatiently trying to get in for their meal. There's a big TV type thing towering over the city center square - its Dr. Breen talking, explaining to us that this is the best way, that we should be grateful of the Combine. I queue up the never-ending line of hungry citizens, everyone not making any sound, irritatingly trying not to talk or complain about the hold up. Two Civil Protection officers walk down the line, checking everyone is unarmed and not breaking any laws. I've almost forgot nearly every law they have forced upon us, they seem to make new ones every day. One of the guards calls for the others' attention. They begin to talk amongst themselves, and then suddenly they drag a woman violently threatening to beat her if she doesn't comply. She is taken inside the building. everyone looks nervously away, trying not to make it look like they care, or prevent the actions of the CP's. There is about twenty or so people in front of me now, the queue seems to be going down rapidly. I am nearing the entrance of the old bank, all of this just to get my daily bag of food, that tastes like crap.

I finally make my way through the doors of the old bank, my heart begins to quicken on my entrance to the bank i once used to collect my daily wage from, it's been turned into this highway of lines, linking up to food dispensers attached to the walls.

I advise a 3rd person view rather than a first person view. First person is incredibly difficult to work with - you have much less freedom. Especially if you're going to do a first person view, you should make it "I did this" not "I do this" because... it's more difficult the other way.
 
thanks m8, you've made it much better...

any positives? storywise so far.
 
The concept is decent but it's not really all that shocking, or aweshem, because you've written it in a 'I did this. Then I did that. Then I did this. Then this happened. Then I did this' style. See, that type of writing really doesn't work to make... depth, and that sort of thing.
 
yea i see what u mean, anyway as i said this is just a very rough draft.

I will make it in depth in time, i just wanted to give the 'first person' story point of view a try, obviosly i failed :D
 
For the love of god, when you post a new story, always make decent spacing and replace about half your commas with full stops. And take the time to reread what you've written and see if it flows. That sort of thing can seriously burn your eyes.
 
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