Breen Casts/Letters

[Sheepo]

Dear Dr. Breen,

Eat shit and kill yourself.

Signed,
Everybody

 

[CaptainNemo]

Dear Dr. Breen,

It burns when I pee. I think it may have something do to when one of your Elites shot me with a Plasma Sphere. How do I rid myself of this nasty little problem?

Yours Sincerely, Nemo.

P.S. How much of a salary do you pull down in a year, in U.S. dollars?

 

[Nemesis6]

Dear Dr. Breen,

It burns when I pee. I think it may have something do to when one of your Elites shot me with a Plasma Sphere. How do I rid myself of this nasty little problem?

Yours Sincerely, Nemo.

P.S. How much of a salary do you pull down in a year, in U.S. dollars?

Combine Civil Relations Unit 2-02, responsible for Community Relations and Coherent (Combine) societies.

What you refer to as a "Plasma Sphere" has many different detrimental effects on human skin, making it an ideal supplement to the Combine Overwatch standard-issue rifle. What you are experiencing is relatively harmless compared to what normally occurs when this "Plasma" finds an organic outlet; total disintegration of all organic tissue in the unfortunate recipient. Your urinary are most likely torn or shredded, or the problem might be in the bladder. For a more in-depth analysis, I would recommend a doctor -- If there were any. Humor is not beyond the Combine, and we pride ourselves on our adaptiveness and ability to incorporate former local customs into our responses to concerned citizens.

Regarding Dr. Breen's salary, he has on numerous occasions stated that his work for the Combine is out pure enlightenment. To quote him - "Instinct has become aware of its irrelevance, and like a cornered beast, it will not go down without a fight."
You would know this if you had watched the mandatory broadcasts by Dr. Breen, which leads me to the following citation you will receive: For lack of motivation to achieve enlightenment as described in the Earth Transitional Goverment act, access to ration machines will for a period of at least and no less than 2 months. Take this punishment as a lesson, and don't get a chip on your shoulder, because that would certainly make you more hungry.
Humor is, once again, something that the Combine Ministry of Community Relations and Coherent (Combine) Societies prides itself on.

 

[RjD]

Dear Dr. Breen, or whomever this letter will be forwarded to - I have had a squad of Combine Overwatch units occupying my apartment for two months now. When I ask them when they're gonna leave they speak a very strange language that mostly resembles what those strange Vortigaunts speak, and last time I tried to talk with, or rather, to them, they killed my wife. She's still with me, but they turned the body into a stalker, and it's really quite uncomfortable to see her alive each day like that, since she's actually a brain dead monster now. But then again, now she actually comes when I whistle, which I guess is a good thing. And her cooking hasn't gotten worse since it was non-existant before what my local Combine loudspeaker calls "glorification".

I guess the question I have is - I'm kind of tired of these Overwatch guys... or things... One of them stands and watches me as I sleep, and I'm too afraid to talk to it. Now, I know they'd love a better place to watch the boulevard from, so how exactly do I speak with them? The local Combine library is just a front for zombification, so any information is appreciated.

Sincerely, a seemingly linguistically impaired citizen.

Dear Impaired Citizen!

First, let me congratulate on successfully upgrading your wife! Let me assure you that it is at least theoretically possible that her cooking performance will also increase, off course if you can call cooking "oriental" food an improvement. You see, the "appendages" received by your wife during upgrade ensure a bonus in carrying out any activity that is related to chopsticks, up to and including "oriental" cooking. (however, allow me to remind you, that in order to take advantage of your wife's new... "cooking potential"... you will have to find something that will be suitable for cooking "oriental" food. Also allow me to remind that humor is not beyond the Universal Union, not at all)

As for your "communication issue" , there appears to be none, as you appear to be doing very well, in fact. In my sincere opinion, it is obvious that you have most successfully established rapport with your progressive friends. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,
Universal Union Public Relationships Management branch 465821889901 unit 873

 

[Nomad]

Dear Dr.Breen,

Barney says f*** you.

Sincerly, G.Freeman

P.S: You sucked as a boss.
P.P.S: I glued 'nades to the paper. Antlion blood is real sticky.

 

[elkaebee]

Dear Doctor Breen,
Have you seen my balls?
Last time I saw them, they were big, salty and brown.
Anything that you could do to find them would be appreciated, but if you need a quick pick me up, just stick them in your mouth and suck'em.
Yours sincerly,
Citizen #3856.