Comedy Thread

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kmack

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First of all, thanks for the idea john3571000!

Okay, here is the plan, a space to share jokes (keep em relatively clean, and obviously no racism), humorous pictures, videos, quotes, basically whatever you want! Please no intentionally crappy jokes, and no harsh criticisms on what someone finds funny. If there are political jokes, keep them just that, please no deabating ( :p ). That being said, go nuts :thumbs:
 
No dead baby jokes...
Please

Ok, so why did the chicken cross the road?
Its was Free Range :D
 
Farrowlesparrow said:
No dead baby jokes...
Please
Click to expand...
How about live baby jokes...?

Such as:
Whats the difference between a baby and a rock?
You cant screw a rock.

(I in no way endorce the molestation of children, please dont kill me)
 
Ok here's mine: Alyx and Barney, locked together in a room... naked. :O
 
Once a girl walked down the street, fell and said "wow".

I bet nobody could be funnier.
 
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender gets angry and says "we don't serve your kind here". The mushroom is sad but then says "why not? I'm a fun guy". :HAHAHHAHA
 
This is the first joke ever recorded as being published, and yes, it's tripe:

A man has an apple on his head, and his expert archer friend fires his bow and hits the red fruit clean off his head.

"Phew" the man says "That was an arrow escape."

-----------------------

What do you call a ferret on ectasy?
Mad ferret!

-------------------------
What do you call a blonde with a braincell?
Gifted.
With two?
Pregnant.
What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A labrador.
----------------------------
What do you do if a *typically silly person* throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and chuck it back.
And how do you sink a *typically silly person's* submarine?
Knock on the door.
----------------------------
These guys are in a pub after a long days work, enjoying a pint, when a drunken middle aged man comes stumbling over to their table, reeking of booze.
"Oi, you!" He spits at one of the guys, "I've shagged your mum!"
The guy, obviously annoyed but not wanting to make a scene, tells the man to bugger off. He does, and heads back to the bar where he necks a pint. Once again he staggers over, drool hanging from his stubble ridden chin: "And she sucked my c**k" he remarks.
Now the guy is getting really angry: "OK mate," he shouts, "There's three of us and one of you, if you don't f**k off we'll take you out, okay? I just want a quiet drink with my friends."
The man, slightly startled, makes his way back to the bar and downs a shot of something, and comes back again...
"And she takes it up the arse."
Irate, the guy stands up and pushed the man in the shoulder: "Listen Dad, you're pissed, just go home okay?!?!"
--------------

Thank you, I'm here all night
 
to add on to your "what do you do if a *typically silly person* throws a grenade at you?" joke, here is an add-on to it. What do you do if a *typically silly person* throws a pin at you? Run, he has the grenade in his mouth
 
Man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed, the giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the barman says, "Oye, you can't just leave that lyin' there." Man says, "Naw it's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Courtesy of 28 Days Later
 
burner69 said:
----------------------------
These guys are in a pub after a long days work, enjoying a pint, when a drunken middle aged man comes stumbling over to their table, reeking of booze.
"Oi, you!" He spits at one of the guys, "I've shagged your mum!"
The guy, obviously annoyed but not wanting to make a scene, tells the man to bugger off. He does, and heads back to the bar where he necks a pint. Once again he staggers over, drool hanging from his stubble ridden chin: "And she sucked my c**k" he remarks.
Now the guy is getting really angry: "OK mate," he shouts, "There's three of us and one of you, if you don't f**k off we'll take you out, okay? I just want a quiet drink with my friends."
The man, slightly startled, makes his way back to the bar and downs a shot of something, and comes back again...
"And she takes it up the arse."
Irate, the guy stands up and pushed the man in the shoulder: "Listen Dad, you're pissed, just go home okay?!?!"
--------------
Click to expand...

Hahaha!
I hardly laugh at written jokes, but this one was pretty good.
 
A horse walks into a bar, and sits down as the bartender says "why the long face?".

From WoW:
"I'm a social drinker, everytime someone says "have a drink" I say "so shall I!".

and

"I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem!"

Sorry, couldn't resist:
What's the difference between a truck filled with bowlingballs and a truck filled with dead babies? You can't unload the bowlingballs with a pitchfork!
 
A baby seal walks into a club.



Two men and a woman get stranded on a desert island. They put their shelter and everything together and try and help each other out. After a while, they all get lonely and "urges" take their course, shall we say. After a while, she becomes guilt-ridden and depressed and kills herself. So then it's just the two guys. They get all lonely and "urges" take their course, shall we say. Then one day, one of them says:
"Listen, what we've been doing recently... I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with it - it just doesn't seem right."
To which the other guy replies:
"Yeah I know what you mean. Let's bury her."
 
Ok ok

Why do women have boobs?

So you got somthing to look at while ya talkin to em!

ehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehhe...

.. so ya got somthing to look at while ya talking to em.

ehhehehehehehehhe...hehe..he

so ya got som
 
What did the man say to the mouse.

Why are you in my nose.

The mouse was in the man's nose.

He smiled.
 
Murray_H said:
What did the man say to the mouse.

Why are you in my nose.

The mouse was in the man's nose.

He smiled.
Click to expand...

Why did I laugh at this?

;(
 
burnzie said:
Ok ok

Why do women have boobs?

So you got somthing to look at while ya talkin to em!

ehhehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehhe...

.. so ya got somthing to look at while ya talking to em.

ehhehehehehehehhe...hehe..he

so ya got som
Click to expand...

Family guy ftw, tbh
 
Farrowlesparrow said:
No dead baby jokes...
Please
Click to expand...
What the HELL? I post 5 dead baby jokes in ONE thread, and nobody will let me hear the end of it. Jesus...
 
He_Who_Is_Steve said:
What the HELL? I post 5 dead baby jokes in ONE thread, and nobody will let me hear the end of it. Jesus...
Click to expand...
Post more! Those things are awesome....
 
Ikerous said:
Post more! Those things are awesome....
Click to expand...
Well...I posted all the ones I knew...

I'm sure you can dig 'em up...I think some moderater (Comradebadger?) told me not to post any more. Or maybe it was Farrow...he was still a mod then.
 
Ok ok, I made this one up right now cuz I'm feeling left out 'n all:

What does a robber do at an optometrist's?

He robs them blind!

0mfgr0fllm403l0h3llmf40!
 
Hmm...I'd post a Boudreaux and Gaston joke, but those aren't really all that funny without the Cajun accent...


:stare: I did. And I cried. For you.
 
Ikerous said:
Your joke was godly.
I think im in love...
Click to expand...
First Tr0n...now you. Am I destined to fall in love with nothing but whores?

Anyway...

A fish is swimming in a river. He hits a rock and says "DAM!"
 
What's the difference between a horse and a car?

- A horse doesn't have windows.


hahahaha so lovely.
 
ok, someone said this in another joke thread here, but it deserves a reposting

why are pirates called pirates?

because they ARRRRRRRR
 
Hazar said:
ok, someone said this in another joke thread here, but it deserves a reposting

why are pirates called pirates?

because they ARRRRRRRR
Click to expand...
Which reminds me...

What did the MPAA rate the sexy pirate movie?
They rated it ARRRRRRR
 
He_Who_Is_Steve said:
What did the MPAA rate the sexy pirate movie?
The rated it ARRRRRRR
Click to expand...
You SCREWED THAT UP! That joke was supposed to go "Why couldn't the 12-year old get into the pirate movie?"
Because it was rated ARRRRR!
-Squidward, from Spongebob Squarepants, the once-funny but now horribly commercialized and raped Nickelodeon cartoon.
 
Erestheux said:
You SCREWED THAT UP! That joke was supposed to go "Why couldn't the 12-year old get into the pirate movie?"
Because it was rated ARRRRR!
-Squidward, from Spongebob Squarepants, the once-funny but now horribly commercialized and raped Nickelodeon cartoon.
Click to expand...
I'm just telling it the way I heard it! Sorry! GOD! :(
 
burnzie said:
In soviet Russia, Joke reads you!
Click to expand...
you sir, watch too much of Family Guy....


Ok, now I'm gonna tell another joke cuz y'all loved my other one:

(This one isn't made up by me btw)
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Note: This one is pretty good except for the fact that it makes fun of blondes. I'm blonde. :|
 
a man walks into a meatgrinder!
the end! (of him)
a man jumps into a lake, but he doesnt know how to swim!
the end! (of him)
a man jumped off a cliff
the end! (of him)
a man took 100 too many sleeping pills
the end! (of him)

ok, now for a real joke!

so a blonde walks into a store and says, "I would like to buy that T.V.!"
But the salesman says "Sorry, but we dont serve blondes here"
So the blonde leaves, dies her hair brown, and comes back the next day
She walks in and says "I would like to buy that T.V.!"
Then the salesman says "Sorry, we dont serve blondes here"
Then the blonde asked how he knew she was blonde, and he said
"Because thats a toaster"

can we do some dead baby jokes???? please?????? :angel:
 
I got one

A father shot a deer and brang it back for his family dinner. When he served the meat out his daughter ask what is it. The father said "I wont tell u what it is but i'll give u a clue. It is something that your mum call me." The the daughter shouted out "DON'T EAT IT EVERYONE, ITS AN ARSEHOLE!"
 
Ok,

The Bell rings and all the children come back in from recess to Mrs. Baxter's 2nd grade class...
Mrs. B asks Sam what he did at recess and sam says "I played in the sand box with Lucy"
Mrs. B: If you can spell SAND on the chalk-board, I'll give you a cookie.
So sam does and Mrs. B gives him a cookie
Mrs. B: Lucy, what did YOU do at recess?
Lucy: I played with Sam In the sand box.
Mrs. B: If you can spell BOX on the chalk-board I'll give you a cookie.
Lucy does and Mrs. B gives her a cookie.
Finally Mrs. B asks Havier what HE did at recess
Havier: I tried to play with Lucy and Sammy, but they threw rocks at me!
Mrs. B: WHAT?!?! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me!
Mrs. B: Havier, If you can spell BLATANT RACIAL DISCRIMINATION on the board, I'll give you a cookie....
 
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
...FUN HAPPY TIME ADVENTURE. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not
going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to......."

I'm much better at situational humor :\
 
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