I have a question

[Que-Ever]

Are we allowed to post off-topic stories in here? I've got a story I'm writing and I'd like to know the general reaction to it. I've got some of it posted at planetdoom.com, and I've got maybe 2 poeple telling me that they liked it, which is good (for me) but I'd like a wider range of reactions.

So, to reiterate, are we allowed to post, like, fictional stories that we ahve written here? that have nothing to do with half-life?

another thing, if the answer is "yes", I'd have to post the chapters 1 at a time, as they can be rather long, so if you wanne see the rest of it, you'd have to criticize me; point out typos, context errors, general sucky things about it, etc.

 

[RakuraiTenjin]

No.












fakedit: yes

 

[Que-Ever]

hm :S

so...yes?
well, I hope so. Just in case, here's the prologue:

Prologue: On Demons.

His name was unpronounceable. To have a mortal utter it would’ve been its death. Once, he had seen a mortal forced to say a demon’s name. The demons had chained it to a wall and had nailed its eyes open.

The demon had scratched its name out on a tablet. He walked up to the mortal and commanded it, “Read this. Out loud.” By this time, the mortal’s eyes were beginning to smoke. The mortal looked it over, and sounded out the name, slowly.

Its tongue exploded bloodily in its mouth. Its lips split down to its chin and curled outward. Blood poured down its front, and it screamed. The demon had never heard anything like it. The high, piercing noise shook the stained glass windows depicting images of Satan. The mortal pulled its chains as it doubled over in pain.

The demon thought this hilarious.

The demon, henceforth known as Demon, had studied the soul libraries in hell for hundreds of years, reading up on how the mortals, called humans, worked. He especially delighted in reading up on the subject of possession and inhabiting the minds of humans.

Demons in hell had never had true bodies, and were unable to get into the human world unless they inhabited a human’s body. Only high-ranking demons were allowed to travel into a human’s body, as it was considered a special honor. However, when they actually got into the body, they would destroy it.

Demons never truly experienced anything like feelings. Usually, they were overwhelmed by the sensation of being able to touch objects, feel their texture, feel the electrical impulses travel up heir arms, ignite synapses in their brains. They often craved it, like a small child craves sugar, or a pregnant woman craves pickles.

They would become addicted to it. They would get this sensation any way possible. The most readily available way to get it was to inflict the sensation upon themselves. And the easiest way for them to do that was with pain.

Jumping off high buildings, impaling parts of their bodies with pencils, carving their names into their flesh with sharp sticks, turning their heads around three hundred and sixty degrees. Any way they could get it. And, while inflicting so much pain, they would destroy their bodies, and the demon would be sent back to hell, and ridiculed and teased. And tortured. It happened every time.

However, our demon, Demon, considered himself above the other demons. He was one of the only demons out of the billions that inhabited hell that actually used the soul library. He was doing research on a new way to possess people. He had made some connections, and decided that the problem with the demons hurting their bodies was not the fact that the demons were hurting their bodies, it was the fact that the bodies would die afterwards. And what better way to keep the body from dying than to inhabit it when it was already dead?

But that posed a problem. When the bodies were dead, the demons were recognized as the body’s soul and ejected back into hell. A demon would need to have the body die, and take control at the precise moment the soul left the body, so the body would not recognize that it had left, and accepted the demon as the body’s actual soul. It sounded very complicated, and would be too intricate for some of the larger, dumber demons. They would probably end up blowing the body into spiritual oblivion or something equally wasteful.

Demon had sent his reports to Satan himself, and Satan, Satan Himself! had accepted his reports and given Demon permission to inhabit a body to test his theory. Demon has chosen a prime mortal for his subject.

Demon currently resided in the mortals subconscious. He had created a sort of control panel that tapped into the mortal’s conscious and subconscious routines. Right now, the mortal was still in control of his own body, doing as he liked. But soon, Demon would take control.

 

[CptStern]

how do you nail someone's eyes open? where would the nail go?



"or a pregnant woman craves pickles" - not a good analogy ..well it just sounds weird



rename character to something other than Demon ...you use demon (when not referring to him) so often that it's a bit confusing


also streamline the entire chapter ..there's a few areas that are redundant

 

[StardogChampion]

Referring to the human as "it" is kinda weird too, unless the narrator guy is a demon himself.

"He walked up to the mortal and commanded it" - "He walked up to the mortal and commanded him"

"Its tongue exploded bloodily in its mouth. Its lips split down to its chin and curled outward. Blood poured down its front, and it screamed." - "His tongue exploded bloodily in his mouth. His lips split down to his chin and curled outward. Blood poured down his front, and he screamed."

 

[Pesmerga]

lol...the first tad was a bit gruesome. A lot of that information is really useless, like the part about their flagellant nature, it really simply doesn't add anything to the overall "story". If you could shorten that entire thought into a single sentence, it'd be better. And it wasn't really a story, and I wouldn't dare calling it a documentary. Just hearing about these things like the creator of the universe himself was informing me about it is really boring

More verbs, less adjectives.

 

[Que-Ever]

rename character to something other than Demon ...you use demon (when not referring to him) so often that it's a bit confusing...
...also streamline the entire chapter ..there's a few areas that are redundant

The name Demon is really only confusing at this part, the rst of the story he's the only one. Like tigger. So it's less annoying.

Referring to the human as "it" is kinda weird too, unless the narrator guy is a demon himself.

I referred to the human as "mortal" instead of actually as a human, I believe, and "it" seemed to fit with mortal better in my mind.

lol...the first tad was a bit gruesome. A lot of that information is really useless, like the part about their flagellant nature, it really simply doesn't add anything to the overall "story". If you could shorten that entire thought into a single sentence, it'd be better. And it wasn't really a story, and I wouldn't dare calling it a documentary. Just hearing about these things like the creator of the universe himself was informing me about it is really boring

More verbs, less adjectives.

Y'know, this is the third or so version of the prologue, and It's giving me a fit, I have half a mind to do away with it all together. No one evers reads them anyway.

Thanks for the comments guys, and here's the first actual chapter.

Chapter 1:

James was a bit confused.

He had been having these dreams for as long as he could remember. They had always been the same; A big, smoky figure with an indefinite shape rising out of the darkness, proclaiming his “days were numbered”.

It was pretty much the same now, except the shadowy figure was saying James’ days were very numbered. James wondered whether this meant anything, and whether the figure would ever just get on with whatever it was it was doing.

James was seventeen, and rather tall for his age. On tests, he always marked his ethnicity as Caucasian, as both his parents had been white, but James had a rather exotic look about him. He had large, dark eyes and a thin, rather handsome face that was often partially hidden by long, curly hair. He was very thin, had long arms and legs, and often amused himself by counting his vertebrae down his back.

He did fairly well in school, getting B’s and C’s in most classes and especially enjoyed English classes, where he would describe his foreboding dreams in assignments to his teachers, which often ended in attempts to have conferences with his parents.

Unfortunately, his parents were dead. They had died several years ago, in an accident involving several bulldozers and some misplaced traffic cones. James had been sent to live with his aunt.

James rather liked his aunt. She was very agreeable, let him stay out late, let him do as he pleased, never punished him. She had also been in a vegetable-like coma for the last 4 years.

James lived with his aunt in her apartment in the city. The apartment was rather bare. James’ girlfriend, Nicole, was, like James, very thin, but not as tall. She had dark brown hair which she always wore pulled back into a ponytail. She often stayed at the apartment for hours, even days at a time. She and James never did anything too risqué, because Nicole was too shy, and James was too nice. They settled for holding hands most of the time, and the occasional kiss.

James and Nicole were currently holding hands on one of the couches in the main room of the apartment. James’ aunt was laid out on the other one, staring at the ceiling.

James turned and looked at Nicole, and she smiled back. Then James’ smile faded. He looked down at the floor, then his body gave a mighty jerk. He fell onto his side on the carpet, then began to projectile vomit blackly all over the floor, on the wall, on his aunt. Nicole stared in terror as the black liquid splashed onto her shoes.

James finished vomiting then stood up, looking fine.

“That was a bit strange,” he mused.

Nicole stared, open-mouthed. Then James’ eye rolled back until there was only white, then slumped back down onto the floor with a splash. Nicole jumped up and ran to the phone.

The demon lifted his finger slowly from the button and looked around. The lights had dimmed a bit, but were still on. He swiveled in his chair to face behind him.

There stood James - or at least, James as his subconscious depicted him. He wasn’t quite as thin or frail looking, but otherwise still the same.

James walked up to the glass box and tapped the side of it.
“Erm…hello?” he said, pushing his face close and looking at the demon. “What is all this?” James saw a man-shaped creature with thick, leathery looking tan skin, red eyes, and spikes in various parts of its body, sitting in a rolling office chair.

The creature studied James for a moment, then said, “I am a demon. Are you rather fond of your tongue?”

James raised an eyebrow, and stuck a few fingers in his mouth. “Yeth,” he answered. “Whly?”

“Perhaps I shouldn’t tell you my name, then. Are you familiar with the story of ‘The Exorcist’?”
James, removing his fingers from his mouth, answered, “Yes, I am.” The creature looked pleased. “Well,” it said, “Same thing is going on here. I am a demon, and I am possessing your body.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
oh, another thing I forgot to mention, this is actually meant to be a sort of dark comedy, which may not be apparent now, but later on, it does get a bit funnier. And it's not constantly funny, mind you, it's actually more like a sub-category, or something...

 

[xLostx]

needs more lesbians

 

[CptStern]

" where he would describe his foreboding dreams in assignments to his teachers, which often ended in attempts to have conferences with his parents.

Unfortunately, his parents were dead."


that just sounds awkward ..the school would know he was parentless because he would have a guardian ..which you later say is his aunt ..so the school would try to contact her


" to projectile vomit blackly all over the floor, on the wall, on his aunt. Nicole stared in terror as the black liquid splashed onto her shoes.

James finished vomiting then stood up, looking fine.

“That was a bit strange,” he mused."


you're kind of contradicting the scene here ...you write:

"projectile vomit blackly all over the floor, on the wall, on his aunt"

but then you take away the horror from the scene by writing:

“That was a bit strange,” he mused."


I think it would have had more oomphf if you jacked up his reaction to having "projectile vomited black stuff all over the room" ...he should be freaked out, not thoughtful

 

[Que-Ever]

I know the scool would've know that he had no parents, but would each of his teachers know that?
And anyway, when he's throwing up, he's not exactly in his right mind... He had already started to be underDemon's control, I guess, which limited his thoughts...?

Actually,I think it was because of his original attitude, which was for him to take everything in stride perfectly, and to be surprised by nothing, but ended up as not being as big an emphasis as originally thought.



Chapter 2:

James stood there, stunned. “So…” he began, slowly. “You’re a…demon?” The demon nodded, slowly. Then, speaking slowly too, it said, “You… called… James.” And pointed a clawed finger at James through the glass. “Me… called… Demon,” and pointed to himself.

James, realizing he was being mocked, began speaking at normal speed. “So, Demon, did you kill me? So you could take over my body?”

Demon shook his head. “No, you’re not quite dead yet. We’re in your subconscious. You are in a coma, just like dear old auntie.” A picture appeared in mid-air, hovering in front of James. It was of his aunt, deep red vomit flecked on her face.

James looked around. “I don’t remember ever actually coming here before.” He leaned on the glass wall and peered into the darkness. “Well, no. But I’ve never called you here before,” Demon said.

A question came to James’ mind. He turned to Demon and asked, “If you want to possess me, why did you kill me? Or, rather, are in the process of killing me?

Demon turned back to the control panel and muttered, ‘Oh, nothing, new way of doing it, complicated, don’t feel like explaining…”

James, feeling rather miffed, wandered into the darkness a bit. He wished he had some light. He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked into the dark, trying to see anything at all. To his surprise, he felt something hard in his pocket. He pulled it out, and he saw, from the glow of the glass box, that it was a cigarette lighter. He lit it, and held it close to the ground. It appeared to be made of stone. He took a few steps, and something plastic appeared in the lighter’s small range of light.

He picked it up, and looked it over. It was a flashlight. He turned it on and shone it around a bit. The beam fell on what looked like a metal plate screwed into the stony ground with a switch on it. He flipped it and what seemed to be rows and rows of stadium lights blinked on with an electrical hum. James blinked as the entire room was bathed in light.

The entire room was made of stone blocks, made of something like granite. The floor and lower walls were rubbed smooth, as if they had been worn out with years of people walking on them. James looked over at Demon; he hadn’t moved from his position at the control panel.

James walked over to the glass box and tapped on the walls slightly with his fingertips. Demon turned and asked, “What do you want?”
James asked, “What is this? All of this?” He spread his arm out to indicate the stadium lights, and the lighter left on the floor. He still held the flashlight in his other hand.

“It’s your subconscious, like I said before,” Demon replied. “You know what that is, don’t you?”
James nodded, then answered, “It controls things like heartbeat, and breathing, right?”
Demon scratched his head with his claws, then said, “Yes, but more importantly, it controls things like thoughts and dreams. Think of something, and it should appear.” Demon thought for a moment. “It should appear.” He repeated.

James, remembering the lighter, thought hard about… about… about what? What should he make appear?
“Aha!” He mumbled to himself and concentrated on Nicole.
Suddenly, Nicole appeared in front of him, turned so he couldn’t see her face. She slowly revolved on the spot, and looked right at James. But something was wrong.

Nicole’s eyes, instead of being their normal, beautiful hazel, were a deep red. Nicole stepped towards James and seemed to grow. Her skin seemed to blacken. She got closer, and she got larger, and her skin darkened even more. She adopted a faint, reddish glow. Her red eyes grew wider, and brighter.
James backed away and hit the glass. Nicole stepped forward, and suddenly burst into flame! She was now a huge, dark monster, with fire on its back and head, burning in her eye sockets. She reached out with a huge, black hand.

“Oh, dear…” Demon sighed, and pressed a few buttons. The horrible monster disappeared in a puff of red smoke.

James stood, leaning against the glass, breathing hard. Suddenly, he felt suspicion. He turned to Demon. “If you’re a Demon, why are you so damn nice?”

Demon looked around to James, and said calmly, “I am a learned demon. I study the souls in the libraries of hell, and I learn ways to expand Lucifer’s reign. I assure you, I am just as demonic as any other demon. I just have a milder disposition.” With this, Demon gave a terrible smile with long fangs.

James turned away and wandered off. Then he got an idea. He focused on the world outside of his brain. A screen popped up out of nowhere that seemed to be transmitting live footage from outside. He was looking up at a ceiling he did not recognize, which was going by at a rapid speed. A face looked down into the “camera”, or his eyes, which seemed to be acting as a camera. The face had a pale blue hat and a white face mask.

James gasped, and watched the screen. He appeared to be on a hospital gurney, being wheeled to the emergency room. The ceiling stopped moving, then grew closer and farther away. He had been put in a bed, he guessed. He could see people moving about at the edge of his vision; they seemed to be attaching wires to various parts of his body.

He ran over to Demon. “Uh, Demon, could you help? Apparently I’m in a hospital. And, um…they’re doing stuff to me.”

Demon again turned to James, grinning. “Oh, this is no longer your body. It’s under my control, now.” Demon then laughed, a sound like metal on asphalt. James hurried back to the screen. Outside, his head had tilted, and he could see the heart rate monitor. It was a straight, green line. There was no sound coming from the screen, but he knew it was one, long beep.

---------------------------------------------------------
I thank you, cptStern for pointing out things like you have been, I'm sure it'll be helpful for when I re-write this thing again... I also want to ask you if you liked the story at all?

 

[CptStern]

oh sorry yes I do

I'm just thinking constructive criticism here

 

[Que-Ever]

That's ok, that was all I had asked for in the first post

http://www.forumplanet.com/planetdoom/topic.asp?fid=7181&tid=1684103
here is the planetdoom topic where the entirety of the story as of this moment, but as I'm sure some of you won't want to join PD jsut to comment on it, I'll continue posting chapter by chapter here.

Chapter 3:

Demon turned back to his work, still laughing. Suddenly, he stopped. He whipped around and glared at James. He glanced at the console, then back to James.

“Something’s gone wrong,” Demon hissed. “Your body is dead. It should be under my control. You should not be here!” with this last sentence, he flung himself to the glass and pressed his claws an forehead to it, snarling. “RrrrraaAAAH!” With a mighty roar Demon began throwing himself at the glass box, clawing at the sides, throwing his shoulder against it, breaking spines.

James looked on with horror. Then, after about ten minutes, he looked on with mild amusement. After an hour, he looked on with annoyance. He walked over to the box and said calmly, “So, uh, Demon, what’s the problem?”

Demon stopped running into walls and looked at James. He was slavering all over the place, his eyes were burning fiercely, and was bleeding from several nasty looking scrapes and cuts. “It- didn’t- work!” he cried, punctuating each word by banging his head on the glass. “It didn’t work! Argh!” A flurry of head banging followed. Then he slumped to the bottom of the box.

“What was that thing, earlier? When Nicole was here, and she turned into that monster?” James inquired. Demon looked up at James, blood oozing from a cut in his head. “You ever had a dream, where you know it was about something real, but strange things would happen, things that you knew were impossible?” James shook his head. “The only dreams I ever had were you telling me I was going to die,” for James had made the connection.

“Hm,” Demon grunted. “Well… oops. Well, that does happen to most people, the exaggeration thing. And that’s what happened there. Sometimes people’ subcounsciousnesses get out of hand.” Demon paused. “Now tell me,” he said to James. “Why are you not gone? You should be gone. What did you do that would keep you here?” James shrugged and walked off. Demon roared, and started jumping around the box again.

James walked ever to the screen. He could see nothing but darkness. He went back to the crazed Demon.
“Demon! Demon! Chill out!” he cried, pounding on the glass with a fist. Demon dropped down from the ceiling and crawled over to James.

“What?!” he cried. “What what what what what what what WHAT?!”
“Are you in control of my body?” James asked.

Deon raised his bony eyebrows, then crawled to the control panel. He hauled himself up and hunched over it. He looked back at James. “Indeed I am. Why?” he asked suspiciously.

“I… have a plan. Let’s compromise.” James replied.

 

[Sulkdodds]

:O

That's pretty good. Overuse of the word 'rather'.

Post more!

 

[Que-Ever]

:O

That's pretty good. Overuse of the word 'rather'.

Post more!

The word "rather"? hm. I guess you're right, I think it's due to the odd way I speak english. I should fix that...
And indeed I shall post more:

Chapter 4:

Jennifer had just finished an autopsy on a new body. Strangely, there hadn’t been any sign of death, no burst vessels in the stomach to explain the black vomit, no anything. It was very strange. She zipped up the white body bag and slid it into a cabinet in the wall. No one had claimed it yet, officially. It would stay here. Jennifer had turned out the lights and was about to leave when she heard a tapping. She immediately turned the lights back on and called in her friend from the front desk. “Andy!” she hissed. Andy rushed in, sliding on the waxed floor. The tapping continued. “You hear that?” Jennifer asked Andy. “Yeah,” he replied. “What is it?”

“It’s coming from one of the lockers,” She whispered, breathless. The tapping continued, getting louder, and louder, until it sounded more like someone was banging on the inside of a locker door with their fist. Then, it stopped. The room was dead quiet. Jennifer and Andy looked at each other. Then, one of the cabinets burst open, the door flying across the room. The morgue workers jumped. Screws that once held the hinges on went pinging around the room. Flames shot out of the cabinet, and licked the rolling metal table, blackening the legs.

Out of the now-smoking cabinet, a body-bad slid out slowly, and landed on the floor with a wet sounding thud. The zipper slid down and opened. Out came James’ body, slightly charred. It shook its head, then stepped clear of the bag. It looked down. Its stomach had been cut open for the autopsy, and its insides were spilling out. It bent over, gathering up its intestines and shoving them back into its body. It then pulled the skin of its stomach around itself, like someone pulling a coat tighter on a cold day. Its dark eyes looked to the workers, and it said, “Do you happen to have some thread? And a needle? This is gonna be a pain,” and it opened its skin to show its bowels.

The two workers stared. The woman pointed to a tray with some thread for stitches, and a big needle. “Ah! Thank you,” James’ body replied, and walked over.

The Jennifer fainted. James looked over, and saw Andy bending over her, trying to wake her. Andy looked at James with fear in his eyes.

“Don’t be afraid,” James’ body spoke. “I’m only a little-“ He paused and snapped his fingers. His thumb blazed with sudden fire. “-Evil,” he finished. Andy fainted on top of Jennifer. James’ body finished stitching itself up, then put on Andy’s clothes. After all, it’s not proper for a corpse to go wandering about in public naked.

Demon clapped his hands. “Ok, we’re out. Now, what was this compromise we were talking about?”

James looked away from his screen to Demon. “I want to have some control over my body, even if it is dead. I don’t even want full-time. I’ve had it for a while. I can share.”

Demon looked at James like he was some sort of fungus on his horn. “I, sir, am not sharing a body. I am the possessor, you are the possess…” He paused to find the right word. “…The possessee. You are not even supposed to be here. You are supposed to be gone, in Heaven. Or Hell, wherever you were going. But not here. Not in this body. Not in MY BODY!” he shrieked.

James looked on. “This, the whole thing, is my body. It was never yours. Never will be. I was gonna share,” he paused, and folded his arms. “But now you can forget it. I’m taking it back.”

With that, he concentrated on the glass box. It shimmered, then seemed to melt away. Demon looked around. Then he launched himself at James’ neck.

James was not expecting that. He guessed he would tell the demon to leave, and it would go without a struggle. Well, now he was going to have demon fangs sunk into his neck.

An inch from biting into James’ jugular, Demon stopped. He let go of James’ head and stepped back.

“Actually, we could reach an agreement,” He said. “You could be my research associate, in a way, help me figure things out. This is, after all, your body,” he added slyly.

James began backing slowly towards the office chair. “What do you mean?” he asked, hoping to distract Demon. “Like, say, I don’t know, how to do a certain gesture or something, and I couldn’t figure out how to do it myself. You could help…somehow. I’m sure we’d find a way.”

“Mm-hm,” James muttered. He dove for the chair, and concentrated on the box. It reappeared as Demon dove for him, screeching, and Demon smashed headlong into it.

“Well, here’s a certain gesture,” James offered, and flipped Demon the bird.

“Now, let’s figure out how to get rid of you,” He said, and concentrated on something to make the box soundproof.