Reminiscing in the Rain

Raziaar

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This is a story I would like to share with you all. Please bear in mind that it is rather LONG, and I consider it a short story. It is told in the narrative by my character Raziaar Dvinegus, in the game dragonrealms that I play. He is a bard, and this is a story he is going to share with his fellow guildmates, and anybody else who would care to listen to it. Please, if you are going to read it... read it all, and don't skip through it(as you will spoil it for yourself). I hope it also gives a tiny bit of insight into my passion, writing. I wrote all of this, this morning.









For several long, painful years I spent my life away from the hearth of my home. Employed as one of a crew of dozens aboard a large powerful ship. I was no different than any of the other hardened sailors whom I worked beside, sharing merriment with when things were calm. We were all called away from our families and friends, to take to the high seas in an effort to track down and eliminate a fearsome band of roving pirates that harrassed and pillaged the shipping lanes of our proud Kingdom. My skills as an expert navigator were highly prized, and I was hand selected to serve with this fine group of men and women. We were bounty hunters, seeking an ever elusive prey that was equally talented and continued to evade us. And when we encountered these sea-dogs, sending them to the bottom of the ocean, another bold and fearless group would take their place. One difficult task gave way to an entire arduous campaign that tested our willpower and sanity. Those amongst us without loved ones were the luckiest of us all, as they need not worry about the tears that would be shed and the hearts broken should we succumb to the murky depths of the waters, or the rusty swords of our terrible foes.

We never did meet our ultimate fate however, thank the Gods. In time we were given orders from the highest command that we were to stand down, and return to our families. From port to port we had travelled, restocking our supplies and venturing out again for the chase. No longer were we bound to this life, for our success was great and ultimately beneficial enough to the Kingdom that we could be relieved of our duties. The welcome home was a joyous occasion, and all of us were praised as heroes by our peers and the nobles alike. I did not care about any of this, however, as I was only doing the duty that was asked of me. One thing, and one thing alone was on my mind --- to return to the love of my life, and once again hold her in my arms.

There she was. As the crowd drifted apart and scattered, her form was revealed to me, standing there with a smile on her face that would put to shame even the most beautiful goddess. Long golden amber hair flowed from her head and tumbled down across her shoulders, the gentle breeze whipping around her and animating the silky locks. She wandered up to me, each step taken lightly with the grace of a noble princess. Her hips swayed slowly and seductively as she drew closer and closer, the light blue gown that clinged to her body shimmering in the glow of the sun. The fingers of her hands reached up and gently stroked my cheeks, nails dragging through the scruffy growth of stubble that covered and concealed my handsome face. Drawing closer and closer, her moist lips parted and just as I thought she was about to kiss me, she spoke softly, her eyes searching the depths of mine. "Go to the spot where we first announced our love. I will come to you."

She slowly turned and left, retreating from me off into the distance, the silken slippers adorning her feet meeting the grass with each short stride. It took every fiber of my being to keep from chasing after her, to kiss her. Oh how I longed to kiss her, to feel the gentle caress of her lips against mine. So many long years has it been since I experienced the pleasures of her mouth, and every second that I continued to go without that sensation, it felt like another year tacked on to the tally. Why did she not kiss me? I could sense it in my heart that she desired to, that she needed it just as I needed it - But she did not. As I shrugged this thought aside, her words rang true in my mind once more. "I will come to you."

She wanted to see me again, to rendezvous at the very spot that we first spoke to each other of our pure unhindered love for one another. She was going to meet me there, and it is then that she was going to kiss me and tell me how much she had missed me over the years. How she had stayed true despite all of the advances of other men that could sense her lonliness. The thoughts of the sweet moment were playing again and again in my head, each time with more variation and detail than the last. I could think of nothing else as I set off, the spring in my step amplified by my growing excitement. Nothing could keep me from her. Nothing would spoil this encounter with destiny.

Just as that confident feeling coursed through my veins like electricty arcing through the sky, a disturbing noise rang out into the air. Shouting from off into the distance pierced my ears, sending a sudden jolt of awareness through my body. My eyes darted to the left and to the right, scanning my surroundings as I continued along on my route. Ahead of me at the bend in the road, emerged the silhouette of a short, thinly built man. He sprinted over towards me, and I could feel my heart begin to race, thumping away in my chest louder and faster with every step closer he approached. Wasting no time, he cried out to me, "You've got to help me! They're trying to kill me." His body was battered and bruised, the left side of his abdomen split open, oozing fresh dark red blood. Before I had a chance to respond or even to blink, the wounded man sprinted off away from the road into the thick underbrush of the forest. Unable to make any sense of the situation, I waited to see if he would return. He did not. Two other men appeared at the curve in the trail, brandishing fearsome longswords which gleamed with the reflections of sunlight that filtered through from the forest canopy above. "Where did he run off to?" They demanded in gruff voices, their eyes glaring with hatred. Desiring to do a good deed, my finger instinctively pointed towards the dark forest at the opposite side of the road from which the injured individual had fled. They questioned not my truthfulness and barrelled through into the tangle of bushes. I smiled a secret little smile, and continued on my way. Nothing would spoil it.

Memories flooded my mind as I stepped into the clearing away from the road, taking in the view before me. Beautiful, colorful flowers sprung from the soil all around me, spread open in glorious bloom. This was the garden - My final destination. An ornately decorated gazebo stood at the center of the park, majestically rising from the earth like a silent guardian, watching over all in the clearing. Inside, beneath its sheltering roof rests a lone bench swing, suspended by two chains from up above. Wood creaked tiredly beneath me as I sat upon its surface, just as it did those many years ago when I first came to this place with her. Nothing has changed as I remembered it - The flowers were cared for regularly by the groundskeeper, the weeds picked by hand as they sprouted in the garden and from the walkway. The scenery was breathtaking to behold, perfectly suited for a lovers' tryst, or a stolen moment away from all the busyness of life. Clouds began forming in the sky, lending respite from the sun's intensifying warmth. All that was to be done now, was to wait as I rocked gently back and forth on the tired old swing.

Rain began falling from the sky, plummeting downward to the earth below from however far up it originated. Some would gripe and moan about the presence of the rain, but not I, and certainly not my sweet, gentle love. We loved the rain, as it washed clean the weariness of the day, nurturing the earth, the trees, and the flowers in the garden. It was raining that first night we came to this spot, coincidentally. We were caught out in the open as the tiny droplets poured from the sky, pattering against our hair and skin. We spotted the gazebo through the gaps in the trees, and playfully raced towards it to escape the joyful onslaught of the water above. Slumping into the gazebo's singular seat, we observed the beauty around us. Roses and irises, plus so many other species of flowers dotted the landscape of the metciulously cared-for garden, shivering as the droplets of rain splashed against their petals. Their heavenly scents wafted and mingled in the air, tickling our nostrils and senses with pleasurable delight. It was then and there that we spoke of our love for each other. Our skin was moist and glistening with rainwater, and we inched closer and closer together on the bench. Our eyes were transfixed, fused with one another as we stared into the soulful depths of each others gaze. Closer... closer we pressed, until our bodies, our thoughts, and our minds melded. Until we became one with each other, with a kiss to seal the moment forever, locking us away into a place where we felt safe and secure, in each others embrace. It was then that we professed our love, and it was now when she would come to me, our love to be renewed all over again in this very spot.

"You never came."

Why wouldn't she have returned to me? What possibly could have kept her from this moment in time, which she had asked of me? I was here, but she was not. The darkness soon set in, the sun sinking beneath the horizon into twilight. It would be a beautiful moment, were it not for the sadness I felt in my heart. My stomach knotted and tightened, and a tear forced its way from the corner of my eye. Did she not love me anymore? Was the pain and anguish of my years away too much for her to handle? Maybe she sought solace in the arms of another man... another lover whom had replaced me in her life. Time could be too much for any one person to bear, especially with the years I was away. Our love was young, and surely she could not be expected to wait for me all of that time. She seemed so happy to see me, yet relucant to kiss me at that moment. Perhaps her intention was to come and tell me in a place where I felt comfortable and at peace, that her heart had found its way into that of another man. Or maybe she wanted me to experience a taste of what it was like for her to wait, lonely and devastated each and every night as she anticipated my safe return. I did not know the answer to this question. Only one truth remained. She did not come.

Pessimistic impatience roiled through me, and I could no longer wait and sit quietly. The sun has long since set beneath the horizon, the moon taking its place high up in the darkly clouded sky. The rain had lessened, but continued to soak through my clothing to chill the skin of my tired body. I no longer enjoyed the rain at this moment, as it represented nothing other than the painful sorrow that poured through me. My love had not returned to me, and I was on my way back home to find the warmth of my bed and covers, hoping to erase this painful moment from my memory. Moonlight filtered surprisingly well through the thick canopy above, revealing the pathway to me and all of the little sticks and stones that littered it. In the distance I spotted an oddity, a dark shape on the roadside, concealed in shadows.

As I approached closer with great caution, I could see that it was the form of a man or woman, hunched forward on the road in an uncomfortably seated position with legs outstretched and spread out beneath. Curious and frightened at the same time, I pressed on until I was only a body's length away. I spoke, and demanded an answer from the individual, their face staring down and forward out of my view. When no reply was given, I lifted my foot and pressed it against the shoulder with a gentle push. The body slumped backwards, sprawling out onto the road. Staring up at me in the glow of the moonlight, was a familiar face. I knew this man... he was the one I had seen earlier that day, evading the capture of those two mean looking fellows. His face was frozen into an expression of pain and sadness, and upon further inspection I noticed that his body was perforated with nearly half a dozen small wounds, the blood having clotted some time ago. He was dead, there was to be no doubt about it.

Something caught my eye as I turned my head - the glint of metal near the side of the road. Walking closer, I could see the outline of another body, lying facedown in a pool of muck and water. Carefully rolling the body over, shock and horror filled my face, twisting it beyond recognition. Staring back up at me was the beautiful, stained face of my lover, streaked with dirt, mud, and tiny leaves. Her eyes were bleak and souless, appearing as if they were crying out to me, with dirty rainwater pooled at the base and streaking down her cheek. Clenched in her delicate hand, was the small dagger that she always wore with her, concealed and tucked away in the safety of her garter for protection. I then saw something I hadn't noticed before - A small trail of gold coins, spilled at her side from a small coin purse with the occasional round shape visible on the road leading towards the slain man. My heart sunk deeply as my gaze fell once more upon her face, her eyes staring back up at me, eternally lifeless.

"You had come for me."
 
"shock and horror filled my face"

Did you have a mirror, or a conveniently placed puddle of water nearby to see your reflection? Facial descriptions in the first person are weird imo! Just the logistics of it, unless you establish that you do have a personal mirror.

"Carefully rolling the body over, i took out my handy mirror to glimpse the expression on my face. It was shock and horror! Not just shock....but horror, horrible horror"
 
Mr-Fusion said:
"shock and horror filled my face"

Did you have a mirror, or a conveniently placed puddle of water nearby to see your reflection? Facial descriptions in the first person are weird imo! Just the logistics of it, unless you establish that you do have a personal mirror.

"Carefully rolling the body over, i took out my handy mirror to glimpse the expression on my face. It was shock and horror! Not just shock....but horror, horrible horror"

Well... No, no mirror. The person is narrating what happened. Hmm, I figured it'd easily be acceptable to describe the facial distortion. I mean, its easy enough to feel that your face is being twisted and distorted by your anguish, without having to see it. Hmm...

What'd ya think of the story, though? I didn't go back and edit it completely and stuff, checking for spelling and all that. I just finished it and decided to post it.
 
Hello.

Since you said writing is your passion, I decided it would be worth critiquing at least part of your work. Hopefully my comments will be helfpul.

Those amongst us without loved ones were the luckiest of us all, as they need not worry about the tears that would be shed and the hearts broken should we succumb to the murky depths of the waters, or the rusty swords of our terrible foes.

I understood the sentence, but only on the second read. You don't want that to happen, because it means it's too long and cluttered. I think the passive voice really kills it.

We never did meet our ultimate fate however, thank the Gods. In time we were given orders from the highest command that we were to stand down, and return to our families. From port to port we had travelled, restocking our supplies and venturing out again for the chase. No longer were we bound to this life, for our success was great and ultimately beneficial enough to the Kingdom that we could be relieved of our duties. The welcome home was a joyous occasion, and all of us were praised as heroes by our peers and the nobles alike. I did not care about any of this, however, as I was only doing the duty that was asked of me. One thing, and one thing alone was on my mind --- to return to the love of my life, and once again hold her in my arms.

Too many "to be" verbs. Remember, everytime you use to be, to make, to do, in good writing you are missing an opportunity to use a more exciting and appealing verb. And good verbs = good writing.

her form was revealed to me
Passive voice gives me the chills.

"Go to the spot where we first announced our love. I will come to you."
That's some wierd dialogue. People don't really talk like that. Even if you're writing fantasy you should make sure you write realistically, otherwise the reader can't connect.

She wanted to see me again, to rendezvous at the very spot that we first spoke to each other of our pure unhindered love for one another.
See the redudancy? You don't need it.

Just as that confident feeling coursed through my veins like electricty arcing through the sky
Is the narrator making a reference to lightning? Why doesn't he use lightning? Did electricity exist back then?

THose meant to be taken as questions, because I don't know what your intentions are, I'm just wondering.

Just as that confident feeling coursed through my veins like electricty arcing through the sky, a disturbing noise rang out into the air. Shouting from off into the distance pierced my ears, sending a sudden jolt of awareness through my body.

My favorite two sentences so far. I absolutely love how you continue the lightning bolt metaphor.

They questioned not my truthfulness

Ew :(

Memories flooded my mind as I stepped into the clearing away from the road, taking in the view before me. Beautiful, colorful flowers sprung from the soil all around me, spread open in glorious bloom. This was the garden - My final destination. An ornately decorated gazebo stood at the center of the park, majestically rising from the earth like a silent guardian, watching over all in the clearing. Inside, beneath its sheltering roof rests a lone bench swing, suspended by two chains from up above. Wood creaked tiredly beneath me as I sat upon its surface, just as it did those many years ago when I first came to this place with her. Nothing has changed as I remembered it - The flowers were cared for regularly by the groundskeeper, the weeds picked by hand as they sprouted in the garden and from the walkway. The scenery was breathtaking to behold, perfectly suited for a lovers' tryst, or a stolen moment away from all the busyness of life. Clouds began forming in the sky, lending respite from the sun's intensifying warmth.

Truly excellent passage. Very vivid descriptions. It really feels like you are "showing" me the gardens and not telling me what they look like.

Unfortuneatly I have to stop here at this cliffhanger because I just remembered I have to finish some work, I'll try to finish critiquing it later on. Overall a very good piece of writing, and I'm not even a big fan of fantasy. Congrats :). I hope you take your passions to new levels in the future.
 
I'm not a person who takes criticism well when it comes to these sorts of things.

I'm kind of embarrassed to go about having my character tell the story in that game now. I don't feel its good enough.


;(
 
I always tell really ridiculous stories in RP. Hell, I just make them up on the spot. Like the one about the orc who spent all his time sitting in a bar knitting, and then some guy insulted him and got knitting needles in his eyes.

---- ALL JUST MY OPINION! ----

My main big criticism is that it seems quite soulless, and not that exciting, despite the emotional themes.

I like it, but I will say this. It seems...I don't know how to express it. It seems like you had to go super-out-of-your-way to make it descriptive. Like you bolted the words and phrases together mechanically using whatever verbs/adverbs/adjectives seemed to be expected of a certain situation. Particular points give a brilliant mental picture of what's going on, but even those are often (pointlessly?) verbose - not sure if it quite qualifies as purple but certainly it draws attention to itself. On the one hand, there are bits where you get a near-perfect impression of the scene, but on the other there are bits where it's all just distracting. Although perhaps your intention was to get the reader tangled up so they have to put more effort into working out what's going on?

Then again, my opinion is skewed because I favour a certain kind of description...

shivering as the droplets of rain splashed against their petals
Like. Shivering: a perfect descriptive word for this situation, being both literally apt and suggesting the exact action you'd perform if you were trapped in a downpoor. It also sounds right. Splashed I'm not so sure about.

Rain began falling from the sky, plummeting downward to the earth below from however far up it originated.
Don't like. Heavy rain, perceived by a human being, is one big hissing spray, and never individual drops on a big long journey. 'Plummeting' is far more apt to describe, say, a falling grand piano or a parachutist because it implies weight, it implies speed, and it's the kind of word that puts the reader in the hotseat - the linguistic equivalent of first-person camera for a falling man. Unless you're describing the fall of one single raindrop from cloud to death, I don't think it really works.

Their heavenly scents wafted and mingled in the air, tickling our nostrils and senses with pleasurable delight.
Nostrils AND senses = redundancy. Delight THAT IS pleasurable = redundancy. Maybe.
 
Raziaar said:
I'm not a person who takes criticism well when it comes to these sorts of things.

I'm kind of embarrassed to go about having my character tell the story in that game now. I don't feel its good enough.


;(

Why?

How are you expecting to improve if you can't take criticism? I'm confused. It's like walking blindfolded down the stairs and not letting people tell you where to step because it makes you feel stupid.

And seriously, don't feel embarrased about writing fan fic. Every man and his dog has thought about doing it, and some New York Best Selling Authors have written books based on game storylines! Like the books from the warcraft series.
 
NotATool said:
Why?

How are you expecting to improve if you can't take criticism? I'm confused. It's like walking blindfolded down the stairs and not letting people tell you where to step because it makes you feel stupid.

And seriously, don't feel embarrased about writing fan fic. Every man and his dog has thought about doing it, and some New York Best Selling Authors have written books based on game storylines! Like the books from the warcraft series.

Well first... its not really fan fic. Its merely my character telling a story, from in game, narrating it to others like a storyteller sitting with others.

Second... I dunno why I don't like criticism against my work... its not like I feel angry or upset at the people that criticise it constructively... It just makes me second guess and question my work... and loads of doubt fill my mind about it. So I generally erase it all and either try again, or just scrap it altogether and move on.
 
Fair enough :|.

All I can say is good luck then, because you're on your own.
 
NotATool said:
Fair enough :|.

All I can say is good luck then, because you're on your own.

Thanks for reading it and expressing your opinion on it and trying to help me change it for the better.
 
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