the beginning of my first story

[Cavalry]

its nothing special,only the first paragraph,which is kinda short,please don't be to hard on it,it's my first story,but I definetly want to know what you think of it,and how I can improve it.


Stories of the Ghillie

Chapter 1

"Mishkav,I have an intersting propostion for you." A tale,light skinned man wearing a military uniform said.

"What?" replied a firm,masked man,who sat in a chair with an AK-47u on the table next to him.

"Well,I located a supplier that has what you want. Would you like to speak with him?"the man asked.

"Yes." replied Mishkav,as the first man handed him a cell phone.

"Hello Mishkav,I hear you need something to take out the British problem."

"Maybe,that depends on who you are and what your offering."

"My name is Vycter,I am a Russian businessman."

"Well Mr. businessman,what do you have?"

"Weapons for your soldiers,helicopters for your bugs,and a bomb for your cause."

"What kind of weapons,what kind of choppers and what kind of bomb?


Chapter 2

His hands shook,sweat dripped over his eyes.His finger tightened on the trigger and slowly pulled back.

 

[redruM]

Well it's kinda hard to assess a story based on one short dialogue, especially if I don't know what the hell is going on. You should write some more, explaining the plot.

 

[Cavalry]

Chapter 2

His hands shook,sweat dripped over his eyes.His finger tightened on the trigger and slowly pulled back.
A soft whistle like sound cut the silence as a 7.62mm round erupted out of the SR-25's silenced barrel and into the cardboard target.

"Damn fine shootin,son, follow me."

The shooter got up from the saftey of the grass in which his ghillie suit matched and followed a man dressed in a camoflouge jacket and pants, which were tucked into his boots. A dogtag swung from the shooters neck as he jogged next to the man to a large concrete building. On the wall above the doors,there was an inscription which read "CovertOps Sniper Academy." As they stepped through the huge doors, the shooter was smacked by a cool breeze and dimmed lights.

As they walked up to the reception desk, both men halted and salted a passing Colonel.
"Sir, this is Pvt. Jacobs, U.S.M.C. divison scout sniper." the man of a higher rank said.

"At ease men. Thank you Marnio,I'll take him from here,follow me." The Colonel spoke firmly

Jacobs followed the Colonel into a small office with a rotating fan that gave off a slight burst of cool air.

"Please,sit down" Ordered the Coloniel as he began to rumage through several files in a small,gray,metal cabinet."Ah,here we go"He opened an envelope and began to examine it.

"Well,your tests are exceptional,your shots are impressive,but let me ask you,have you ever shot a real,living,human being before?"

"Not with real bullets,I was on an airsofting team as secondary sniper, if that counts for anything."

"I see,well son, today's your lucky day, a Palestinian tracking device in a small AT&T cellular phone recorded a message between two men."

"So,you like listening to men?"

"Son, there is no time for jokes during war."

"What war?"

"Let me explain, the recorded message was between one Mishkav van Bent and one Vycter San Palsag, one's a Iranian extremest,the other is a dangerous Russian armes dealer. They were supposed to meet in an abandoned psychopathic instution for a major sale of 50,000 AK-47's, 4,500 RPG-7's, 30 Cobra military helicopters and 2 Hydrogen bombs. We sent a covert team of four men to secure both the bomb and both men,but they met more resistance then expected, and all four were killed in a major bloodbath."

"And let me guess,you want me to kill them?"

"No,another transaction between Vycter and Mishkav is to take place in an abandoned warehouse just outside of Cairo,Eygpt. We want you to stop the deal,but take both men alive. Killing them is a last resort. Now,get your gear together,your Helicopter leaves in 30 minutes."

 

[Pesmerga]

People write best about what they best know about.

 

[Cavalry]

I know they arms and weapondry more then military divisions/classes, so that won't be a major part,just what was said

 

[Pesmerga]

Just because you know what a weapon is doesn't mean you can write a story about someone firing a gun. Maybe you could write a encyclopedia of arms instead.

See what I'm getting at here?


Your writing reminds me of 3rd grade childrens books, to be honest. But that would be an injustice to childrens book authors.

 

[Cavalry]

I see what you getting at, and I am going to take your advice there

(no wonder I usually do horribly on school essays)

but re-reading this with your comment in mind does make me realize that it is kinda sh*tty.
I may go back and write something on a topic I know much about.

 

[Pesmerga]

Write about something personal, something that you could talk about for an hour nonstop.