The Fecal Matter Factor

[Panda]

I can't say I'm very excited about the Half-Life 2 expansion coming out soon. While Half-Life 2 is an amazingly well-developed game, I found it nearly unplayable due to the lack of fecal matter in Gordon Freeman's beard. I was able to forgive the lack of fecal matter in his beard in the original Half-Life, but it makes me very frusterated that Valve did not make any serious effort to implement realistic and detailed fecal matter models in Half-Life 2.

I would like to let you all know that I am organizing a boycott against Valve. My request is that Valve releases a patch that allows for fecal matter in Gordon Freeman's beard in both Half-Life 1 and 2, and promises to include it in the expansion, hopefully with updated fecal physics and graphics rendering. I have many other Half-Life fans interested in this, and I hope you will all join me.

I am aware of the problem that you play as a female, beardless character in the Half-Life 2 expansion. This strikes me as an obvious attempt by Valve to sidestep the strong backlash from many Half-Life fans about the company's constant aversion to fecal matter in their character's beards. We must let Valve know, through civil disobedience, that we, the players, are sick and tired of having to struggle through their titles without any fecal matter in beards.

I will be making a petition on this subject shortly, and I would be honored if the members of HalfLife2.net would sign it. We must make ourselves heard. Join our cause. Together we can make the Half-Life series as awesome as it deserves to be!

 

[Ames]

You don't play as a female, beardless character in Aftermath.

 

[Panda]

Oh. Oops.

 

[DiSTuRbEd]

I will be making a petition on this subject shortly, and I would be honored if the members of HalfLife2.net would sign it. We must make ourselves heard. Join our cause. Together we can make the Half-Life series as awesome as it deserves to be!

No you won't...:|

IP > you. KTHX

 

[Panda]

Alyx is a bigger part of the story in Aftermath, however, and due to the first-person perspective of the series, you will probably be seeing much more of her than Gordon Freeman. I will include it in my petition that Alyx is replaced with a new, male character, of a similar personality, with a large and voluptuous beard perfect for containing high levels of fecal matter.

The masses are crying out for more fecal matter related content in Valve's games. Check out this popular ytmnd on the subject: http://fecalmatter.ytmnd.com/#

 

[Panda]

I am aware of the possibility that a moderator or administrator on these forums will mistake this thread as being pointless, ridiculous, or just plain nonsensical bullcrap. This is simply not true. I am vice-president of the Society for Increased Fecal Matter in the Beards of Popular Bearded Actors and Videogame Characters. (SIFMBPBAVC) We are dedicated to informing the unwashed masses about the importance to society of having charismatic role-models with fecal matter in their beards. This is the future we are talking about, people!

For example, what if there really was an alien invasion and occupation of Earth by alien forces? We'd all want a hero of Gordon Freeman calibur to fight to save us. However, what if the only person who could save us was just a normal guy who happened to have fecal matter in his beard? Right now, that man is at home crying that people like him are not yet considered acceptable as characters in movies or videogames. You can bet he'll still be there crying if (or when) the aliens choose to invade, never aware of the fact that he could be mankind's savior. I hope this 100% plausible scenario helps you understand the importance of making people who enjoy having fecal matter in their beards a respected and valued part of our society.

 

[15357]

.....a moderator or administrator on these forums will mistake this thread as being pointless, ridiculous, or just plain nonsensical bullcrap.

It actually woudn't be mistaking...