Blood Brothers

B

BlackwaterReap

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This is the first part of the first chapter from my new fan fiction based during the invasion of the Combine forces, it follows a Joint Special Operations team made up of British Parachute Regiment, SAS, American Navy SEALs and Marine Force Recon, criticism appreciated :)


Chapter 1 ? Callsign

"Zero, this is Zero Bravo, over"

"Zero to Zero Bravo, what is your situation, over"

"We are exactly 4 minutes away from LZ2, LZ1 is compromised, over"

"Understood Zero Bravo, continue to LZ2, we will contact you at 20:00 hours, over"

"Understood, Zero Bravo over and out"

Eddie keyed his personal radio and switched back to squad level communication channel, he leaned back in the Merlin helicopter, his weapon resting on his knees, reaching up and scratching his stubble slightly, looking down at his fingers, rubbing the camo cream into his fingertips, his eyes darting up to the figure opposite him.

"Well, we didn't get dressed up for nothing, right boss?" The man opposite him said.

"Suppose you're right Steve" Eddie replied, straining his head behind him
"Everyone alright back there?" he shouted, hearing a chorus of "Roger" from the back of the Merlin.

Eddie got up from his seat, moving over to the pilots, his hands on the back of their seats as he shouted so that they were able to hear him "How long left guys?"

"About 2 minutes, sir, get your men up and ready"
"Roger that"

Eddie moved back into the rear of the Merlin, holding up two fingers to his men, showing them how long left, each man nodded and began to check their weapons and kit.

Moving back to his seat he double checked his magazines, checked that a round was in the chamber of his rifle, patted his thigh holster to make sure his pistol was still there and tightened the chin strap of his helmet, "1 minute" he heard one of the Pilots shout, breathing slow and steady he raised to his feet and patted each of the men on the shoulder as he stood next to the tailgate of the chopper, his hand resting on the controls for the door.

"30 seconds"

This is it he thought, gripping the pistol grip of his weapon tighter, hearing his men line up behind him, feeling the huge presence of Steve behind him, making him smile slightly as the Helicopter slowed down, and then that feeling came over him, that feeling you get when you?re going down in a lift, his stomach did a somersault and then he heard one of the pilots shout "Go, Go, Go!"

The tail of the helicopter came down and for the first time in two hours his feet hit solid earth, after running 10 metres away from the helicopter he kneeled, his weapon raised and looked around the area in front of him, he was knelt next to a fallen tree in a forest made up of pines, the ground beneath him was hard and the air was cool, he looked over his shoulder and saw the other 5 members of his squad in a perfect circle around the helicopter as it began to lift away, each of them concentrating on the area in front of them.

After the helicopter pulled away a strange silence came over the area, the sounds of birds chirping, the sound of the river running and of course the sound each man heard of himself breathing.

Eddie called in the team by raising his hand and patting the top of his helmet, he turned around and saw the men running towards him at the crouch, lining up in front of him, all kneeling down with their weapons in a relaxed position.

Eddie looked down at his watch, 19:26, 34 minutes until the next transmission; he looked at each of his men as he began to speak

"Right then lads, here we are, we?re going to move parallel with the river, we follow that for a couple of miles and we should be where we need to be, everyone ok with that? Good, lets move off, Adrian, you're point, move"

The men moved into file formation, Adrian point, Eddie second, Steve third, Isaac fourth, Bass fifth and Robert sixth.

Adrian began to move off, and Eddie started to remember how they got where they were now.
 
Eddie keyed his personal radio and switched back to squad level communication channel, he leaned back in the Merlin helicopter, his weapon resting on his knees, reaching up and scratching his stubble slightly, looking down at his fingers, rubbing the camo cream into his fingertips, his eyes darting up to the figure opposite him.

Moving back to his seat he double checked his magazines, checked that a round was in the chamber of his rifle, patted his thigh holster to make sure his pistol was still there and tightened the chin strap of his helmet, "1 minute" he heard one of the Pilots shout, breathing slow and steady he raised to his feet and patted each of the men on the shoulder as he stood next to the tailgate of the chopper, his hand resting on the controls for the door.

This is it he thought, gripping the pistol grip of his weapon tighter, hearing his men line up behind him, feeling the huge presence of Steve behind him, making him smile slightly as the Helicopter slowed down, and then that feeling came over him, that feeling you get when you?re going down in a lift, his stomach did a somersault and then he heard one of the pilots shout "Go, Go, Go!"

The tail of the helicopter came down and for the first time in two hours his feet hit solid earth, after running 10 metres away from the helicopter he kneeled, his weapon raised and looked around the area in front of him, he was knelt next to a fallen tree in a forest made up of pines, the ground beneath him was hard and the air was cool, he looked over his shoulder and saw the other 5 members of his squad in a perfect circle around the helicopter as it began to lift away, each of them concentrating on the area in front of them.

After the helicopter pulled away a strange silence came over the area, the sounds of birds chirping, the sound of the river running and of course the sound each man heard of himself breathing.

Ok, first impressions: USE LESS COMMAS. Split up your super-duper long-sentences into MULTIPLE SENTENCES. Or at least use a variation of Punctuation. Let me rewrite these sentences I've quoted.

"Eddie keyed his personal radio and switched back to the squad level communication channel. Leaning back in the Merlin Helicoptor, his weapon resting on his knee, he reached up and scratched at his stubble. His other hand swirled some camo cream around slightly, and his eyes darted up briefly to the man beside him."

"Moving back to his seat he double checked his magazines, checked that a round was in the chamber of his rifle, patted his thigh holster to make sure his pistol was still there and tightened the chin strap of his helmet. "1 minute!" he heard one of the pilots shout. Breathing slow and steady, he rose to his feet and patted each of the men on the shoulder as he stood next to the tailgate of the chopper, his hand resting on the controls for the door."

"'This is it' he thought, gripping the pistol grip of his weapon tighter. Hearing his men line up behind him and feeling the huge presence of Steve behind him made him smile slightly as the Helicopter slowed down. Then a sudden, horrible feeling came over him, like he was going down fast in a lift; his stomach did a somersault and then he heard one of the pilots shout 'Go, Go, Go!'"

"The tail of the helicopter came down and for the first time in two hours his feet hit solid earth. He rushed about 10 metres away from the chopper and kneeled, weapon raised and at the ready. In front of him lay a fallen tree in a forest made of pines. Cool air and hard earth - and pine trees, of course - surrounded him as far as the eye could see. The other 5 members of his squad, he knew, were in a perfect circle surrounding the helicoptor as it began to lift away, scrutinising the area in front of them."

"After the helicopter pulled away, a strange silence came over the area. The sounds of birds chirping. The sound of the river running. And the sounds of each man breathing, heavily."
 
Good start, pretty interesting introduction, but I second Jintor's suggestions. Keep it up.
 
Well, after i wrote that first part i wasnt really sure where i could go from there, so ive actually rewrote this entire section, ill post it up later after ive made some tweaks, and followed Jintors advice, much appreciated guys :)
 
Other than the grammatical errors it's pretty cool :D
 
Yeah, i'll give you that.
 
Well, this is what i have so far for the revised version of the story, when i wrote the first part of the story i had no idea where i was going to take this mix of proffessional soldiers and how i wanted them to evolve, after taking time yesterday to write a simple story plan i began writing this piece, some of the characters names have changed to make them either evidently American or evidently English, hope everyone can distinguish.

“20 years, Phil, 20 years we’ve been going through this shit” Robert said as he leant against the window of the small room, cigarette smoke hovered above, a flickering light bulb casting on and off shadows across the room, “That’s 7300 days, Phil, 7300 ****in’ days”

“Is that including leap years, Boss?” Robert mused as he smiled across the room at Robert, extracting the bolt from his precision rifle, holding it up towards the light and looking at it through strained eyes.

Robert looked over at Phil, turning his head just enough so that his head was still firmly against the grimy window “’**** do you think wiseass?”

Phil chuckled, running a clean cloth over the bolt and breathing on it, rubbing a little more vigorously against a certain spot, sliding the bolt back into place and setting the rifle on the side, lying back on the bed and speaking “Well, I was only trying to cheer you up Rob, you’ve been like this for the whole day, what’s up your arse today then?”

“God knows, Phil, it, it just finally dawned on me that we might not get through this, that maybe were fighting for nothing…” Roberts voice trailed off as he turned his head back around, looking out of the window once more at the gigantic structure that made City 17 look like an ants nest.

“Well, that’s bullshit for one thing, Boss, we’ve been fighting to free this shithole from slavery and certain death, if that’s nothing then I question your mentality Rob”

“My mentality? Aye, id question it myself as well mate, anyway, d’ya fancy a brew? Rob started to get up off the bed, pulling a small stove out from under the bed, reaching into his pocket for his Zippo as he turned on the gas with the other hand.

“Would love one mate, how much water we got left?” Phil said as he shifted himself across his bed, sitting on the edge and looking down onto the stove

“Enough for today and tomorrow, well have to go back up to Sam’s place tomorrow and stock up on some more” Robert idly exclaimed, putting the kettle on the stove, standing up and stretching his back, hearing a sharp crack “Christ”

Just at that moment a slow creak sounded above them, both men looked up to see a pale, shaven headed man leaning down from the hatch and speak in a thick Texan accent “Get us a mug of that stuff as well, Rob, I’m parched to hell up here”

“Sure thing Isaac, how are things looking up there anyway? Robert shouted up, resting his palms on his knees as he waited patiently for the water to boil.

Isaac tapped his fingers on the side of the hatch as he spoke “Not too bad, bastards aint moved most of the day, pulled a guy in earlier off the street, he looked pretty messed up, I’ve got clear line of sight into the questioning cell, so if there’s anything going on, well know about it, any news on Sam getting us those bugs?”

Robert laughed quietly “Sam?, Giving us things on time?, what do you think”

“I suppose you’re right boss, I’m surprised the army let him stay as an armourer, if he was like this in his old job he’d have been sacked by now” Isaac laughed as he spoke, closing the hatch slowly then opening it suddenly “And Phil, bring us up that coffee once its done mate” closing the hatch with a slam.

For those few moments the room filled with silence, only interrupted by the high pitched whistling of the dented kettle.

Robert poured Phil a cup and told him to take it up Isaac, pouring himself a cup and taking a sip, savouring the warm taste of the instant coffee and letting out a happy sigh. Sitting there with the cup in his hands Robert simply thought about what else he needed to do that day, his eyes fixed on the brown liquid in the cup, the liquid shuddered slightly, a ripple emerging on the surface, a couple seconds later he heard a dull boom in the distance and a second ripple formed on the liquid, followed by a shouting of his name from above the hatch, Robert put the cup to one side swiftly, lifting the hatch and shouting in “What’s wrong guys, talk to me!”

“Rob, you better come up here mate” he heard Phil shout. Robert pulled himself up and walked through the creaky, dusty attic, beams of light shot through cracks in the wood where it had splintered and rotted away, hurrying over to the twosome he peered through a crack, his eyes widening with fear, pulling his face away and looking towards Phil and Isaac

“Shit…”
 
Roberts throat felt suddenly dry as he peered back through the crack, a Strider was moving down the street towards their building, Roberts first thought was that it was simply moving towards the Combine forward operating base over the street that he and his men had been observing for the past week, but the Striders behaviour seemed strange to Robert.

The Strider was carefully moving down the street, looking left and right as if certain of an incoming attack… or looking for something to attack.

Phil started to panic, looking over at Rob and practically shouting at him “Christ Rob, what do we do, that things going to tear us a new arsehole!”

Robert spoke confidently to Phil “Quiet down Phil, for Christ’s sake get a grip would you, were going to move down the fire escape at the back, we got any demo left? If so stick some on the north facing wall, should give them some decent fireworks, make sure you put them on a timer delay, 5 minutes should do it”

Turning to Isaac “Isaac, start grabbing as much ammo and weapons as we have from the weapons locker, pack Phil’s stuff while he’s placing the charges as well, ok guys, lets get moving!”

Isaac ran towards the hatch, jumping down and landing with a muffled grunt, grabbing two torn and beaten rucksacks from Phil’s bed and kicking open the door of the weapons locker, a simple wooden cupboard, packing Shotguns, Pistols and Rifles into the bags, looking up just in time to see Phil and Robert jumping down from the hatch.

Phil jumped onto his stomach and retrieved a small box from underneath the bed, ripping open the packaging and extracting two bars of C4, pulling out a roll of tape and quickly wrapping the two bars together, slamming them inside the weapons locker and inserting a small flashing pin, tapping the very tip 5 times.

“Explosives set Rob, weve got 5 minutes” Phil shouted over at Rob, who was packing his own stuff into an identical worn rucksack.

Robert gestured towards the window and shouted over at Phil “Ok Phil, get your rucksack and scout ahead”

Phil nodded and kicked the wooden frame from the window, the pane dropping out and landing on the fire escape directly below it. Throwing his rucksack out onto the fire escape first, Phil squeezed his way through the window and slid down the ladder, hitting the floor with a thump as he brought his pistol up, seeking out threats.

An explosion rang out below Robert, looking over at Isaac who had heard it also, Robert shouted for him to keep moving, Isaac acknowledged and threw his rucksack out, looking down and seeing Phil waving for them to hurry up and shouting “They’re in, they’re in, ****ing move it!”

Thumping footsteps could be heard on the stairs as Robert squeezed half his body through the window, throwing his rucksack down to a waiting Isaac.

Just as Robert was about to climb out the door burst open, a white helmeted Metro cop ran in, pistol raised, upon seeing Robert he fired, hitting Robert in the calf, blood sprayed under the window as Robert let out a dull scream, falling back through the window, landing on his back, cracking his head against the dusty wooden floor.

Robert looked up just in time to see a baton come down against his face, sending him into darkness.
 
Grammar has never been my strong point unfortunately, reading beano mags during english classes will do that to you :(
 
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