I think it is time for something original
- Thread starter Dalamari
- Start date
CyberSh33p
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216.237.158.9:27015
hehe, that was interesting
hehe, that was interesting
KagePrototype
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The Trees Are Dead and Dried Out Wait For Something Wild
How fitting. Considering why you made the topic. It's always a nice surprise when you look in your clipboard, heh.
How fitting.
Considering why you made the topic. It's always a nice surprise when you look in your clipboard, heh.
C
Cybernoid
Guest
My clipboard: http://www.darwinia.co.uk/about/screenshots.html
pi, I also don't give a shit about gmail.
pi, I also don't give a shit about gmail.
The Mullinator
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He was using my comp (its the only decent one in the house) just a few minutes ago.My younger brother said:
CyberSh33p
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sound slike a line from a bad anime or somethingThe Mullinator said:He was using my comp (its the only decent one in the house) just a few minutes ago.
216.237.158.9:27015 still :|
63
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Dalamari
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Foxtrot
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ll right, so after I heard that there would be Halo 2 at MLG Seattle, I immediate contacted a friend of mine named John. John, AKA Xearo, was attending MLG and agreed to give me a hands on report of what went on there.
Q: What's the biggest game play change in Halo 2?
A: Well, the biggest difference I noticed is that there is NO health, just a shield. Also the shield is a lot (more) powerful, and charges much quicker.
Another big thing is that (in the build I played) you can change your character settings (southpaw, inverted, etc) in game.
Q: What is the biggest difference between Halo 1 and 2?
A: No health was a pretty big one. Also the round based game type was a little strange, luckily enough there is no pause between rounds other than a black screen.
Q: What was your impression of Zanzibar?
A: Zanzibar I have mixed feelings about. I HATE vehicles, with a passion, so that was one thing I didn't like. It is a big level, but they manage to separate it so that there is a lot of in close fighting. There isn't much open area.
Q: What was your favorite vehicle in Halo 2, and why?
A: I hate vehicles, but if I had to pick one, it would be the warthog for the simple reason that there is a ROCKET LAUNCHER(w00t) on the back.
Q: What was your favorite weapon in Halo 2, and why?
A: Battle rifle, by far. The sniper rifle now is a 5x zoom, and I didn't get to use a pistol
Q: How was the Plasma Sword? On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate it?
A: 0, this thing is absolutely useless. The melee with it is just like the melee for any other gun. The only difference is that if you track someone in close for a few seconds, it locks on and you can instantly kill them, but in that time you should be dead, and if you aren't, the other person deserves to be. In my opinion, the plasma sword is really just something they put in there so the n00bs would be happy.
Q: What about the other weapons, the battle rifle for instance. The new pistol maybe?
A: Battle rifle is an 8 shot killer. When you are zoomed, it fires single shots; when unzoomed, 3 shot bursts. Though I didn't get to play with the pistol, I did speak with a Bungie employee and he informed me the pistol is "fixed", basically meaning it isn't near the gun it used to be.
Q: Is duel wielding all it's cracked up to be? Rate it 1-10
A: 5, you can't dual wield the battle rifle, and when you are duel wielding, you can’t melee, or throw grenades. In my humble opinion, nobody can afford to give those two up.
Q: Where you overall happy with the game? Is it what you expected?
A: It was amazing to say the least. I was a skeptic before, playing the game has brought me around, this game will be everything you expect and more.
Q: How is the warthog handling? I heard it was different.
A: Much different, it doesn’t slide at all anymore, really weird when you first try to drive it.
Q: What kind of game types did you get to play and could you briefly explain them?
A: All I was able to play is Zanzibar CTF one flag, everyone knows about it, so I won't explain.
Q: Any details you would like to share? Things you noticed, things you liked, things you wish improved on.
A: After the tourney was over, I betrayed my teammates, and then had the other team kill me. The respawn goes up for each and every betrayal, so team killers beware, you will have a long wait to get back in the game if you do it too much.
Q: Now that the needler is a bit better, did you use it? Or did you have that “Needlers suck” mentality stuck in your head?
A: The needler is not better. Bungie might like to say it is, they are wrong. The thing is still a giant piece of !@#$^, even when dual wielded. The thing is AWFUL.
Really? I was expecting big things from the needler... Hmmm.
Q: If you could personally change one thing in Halo 2 what would it be?
A: I would make the levels smaller, and give the pistol its former power.
Q: Anything else you would like to touch on?
A: Are you planning on paying me for this? jks
lol, well thanks for talking to me John and on behalf of anyone who hasn't played Halo 2 I would like to say, You’re a basterd.
Q: What's the biggest game play change in Halo 2?
A: Well, the biggest difference I noticed is that there is NO health, just a shield. Also the shield is a lot (more) powerful, and charges much quicker.
Another big thing is that (in the build I played) you can change your character settings (southpaw, inverted, etc) in game.
Q: What is the biggest difference between Halo 1 and 2?
A: No health was a pretty big one. Also the round based game type was a little strange, luckily enough there is no pause between rounds other than a black screen.
Q: What was your impression of Zanzibar?
A: Zanzibar I have mixed feelings about. I HATE vehicles, with a passion, so that was one thing I didn't like. It is a big level, but they manage to separate it so that there is a lot of in close fighting. There isn't much open area.
Q: What was your favorite vehicle in Halo 2, and why?
A: I hate vehicles, but if I had to pick one, it would be the warthog for the simple reason that there is a ROCKET LAUNCHER(w00t) on the back.
Q: What was your favorite weapon in Halo 2, and why?
A: Battle rifle, by far. The sniper rifle now is a 5x zoom, and I didn't get to use a pistol
Q: How was the Plasma Sword? On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate it?
A: 0, this thing is absolutely useless. The melee with it is just like the melee for any other gun. The only difference is that if you track someone in close for a few seconds, it locks on and you can instantly kill them, but in that time you should be dead, and if you aren't, the other person deserves to be. In my opinion, the plasma sword is really just something they put in there so the n00bs would be happy.
Q: What about the other weapons, the battle rifle for instance. The new pistol maybe?
A: Battle rifle is an 8 shot killer. When you are zoomed, it fires single shots; when unzoomed, 3 shot bursts. Though I didn't get to play with the pistol, I did speak with a Bungie employee and he informed me the pistol is "fixed", basically meaning it isn't near the gun it used to be.
Q: Is duel wielding all it's cracked up to be? Rate it 1-10
A: 5, you can't dual wield the battle rifle, and when you are duel wielding, you can’t melee, or throw grenades. In my humble opinion, nobody can afford to give those two up.
Q: Where you overall happy with the game? Is it what you expected?
A: It was amazing to say the least. I was a skeptic before, playing the game has brought me around, this game will be everything you expect and more.
Q: How is the warthog handling? I heard it was different.
A: Much different, it doesn’t slide at all anymore, really weird when you first try to drive it.
Q: What kind of game types did you get to play and could you briefly explain them?
A: All I was able to play is Zanzibar CTF one flag, everyone knows about it, so I won't explain.
Q: Any details you would like to share? Things you noticed, things you liked, things you wish improved on.
A: After the tourney was over, I betrayed my teammates, and then had the other team kill me. The respawn goes up for each and every betrayal, so team killers beware, you will have a long wait to get back in the game if you do it too much.
Q: Now that the needler is a bit better, did you use it? Or did you have that “Needlers suck” mentality stuck in your head?
A: The needler is not better. Bungie might like to say it is, they are wrong. The thing is still a giant piece of !@#$^, even when dual wielded. The thing is AWFUL.
Really? I was expecting big things from the needler... Hmmm.
Q: If you could personally change one thing in Halo 2 what would it be?
A: I would make the levels smaller, and give the pistol its former power.
Q: Anything else you would like to touch on?
A: Are you planning on paying me for this? jks
lol, well thanks for talking to me John and on behalf of anyone who hasn't played Halo 2 I would like to say, You’re a basterd.
switch
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Now, how about two of the most anticipated weapons, the flamethrower and the Samuri sword (aka the Katana)? Bad news on both, but maybe not permanently bad. The flamethrower was removed from the schedule due to time pressures of the release. To get a flamethrower working in the jungle, you'd also have to deal a whole lot of models/skins/textures that would need the ability to be blackened & burned, otherwise it would be really odd. This is a lot of work, and it comes down to choices of when to ship versus what to include. It was dropped in favor of shipping the game sooner. I'd expect it to show up in a later update/patch if not before from the mod community. The sword will NOT be player useable in SP or MP. The reason for this is simple - your ever-lovin' gubmint. EA wants to maintain a "T" (Teen) rating on the game, and the ESRB will rate it "M" (mature) if the sword is player usable.
~~~
I have no earthly idea where that came from.
~~~
I have no earthly idea where that came from.
Dr. Shim
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Viktor Antonov
Ted Backman
Kelly Bailey
Jeff Ballinger
Matt Bamberger
Aaron Barber
Yahn Bernier
Ken Birdwell
Derrick Birum
Chris Bokitch
Steve Bond
Matt Boone
Charlie Brown
Julie Caldwell
Dario Casali
Yvan Charpentier
Jess Cliffe
John Cook
Greg Coomer
Kellie Cosner
Scott Dalton
Kerry Davis
Jason Deakins
Ariel Diaz
Quintin Doroquez
Martha Draves
Laura Dubuk
Mike Dunkle
Mike Dussault
Rick Ellis
Dhabih Eng
Miles Estes
Adrian Finol
Bill Fletcher
Moby Francke
Pat Goodwin
Chris Grinstead
John Guthrie
Leslie Hall
Damarcus Holbrook
Tim Holt
Brian Jacobson
Erik Johnson
Jakob Jungels
Iikka Keranen
Eric Kirchmer
Marc Laidlaw
Jeff Lane
Tom Leonard
Doug Lombardi
Randy Lundeen
Scott Lynch
Ido Magal
Gary McTaggart
John Morello II
Bryn Moslow
Gabe Newell
Tri Nguyen
Jake Nicholson
Martin Otten
Kristen Perry
Bay Raitt
Alfred Reynolds
Dave Riller
Danika Rogers
David Sawyer
Aaron Seeler
Nick Shaffner
Taylor Sherman
Eric Smith
David Speyrer
Jay Stelly
Mikel Thompson
Kelly Thornton
Carl Uhlman
Bill Van Buren
KayLee Vogt
Robin Walker
Josh Weier
Doug Wood
Matt T Wood
Matt Wright
Valve credits. Copy and pasted it into Excel to quickly count how many people Valve have working there. 82
Ted Backman
Kelly Bailey
Jeff Ballinger
Matt Bamberger
Aaron Barber
Yahn Bernier
Ken Birdwell
Derrick Birum
Chris Bokitch
Steve Bond
Matt Boone
Charlie Brown
Julie Caldwell
Dario Casali
Yvan Charpentier
Jess Cliffe
John Cook
Greg Coomer
Kellie Cosner
Scott Dalton
Kerry Davis
Jason Deakins
Ariel Diaz
Quintin Doroquez
Martha Draves
Laura Dubuk
Mike Dunkle
Mike Dussault
Rick Ellis
Dhabih Eng
Miles Estes
Adrian Finol
Bill Fletcher
Moby Francke
Pat Goodwin
Chris Grinstead
John Guthrie
Leslie Hall
Damarcus Holbrook
Tim Holt
Brian Jacobson
Erik Johnson
Jakob Jungels
Iikka Keranen
Eric Kirchmer
Marc Laidlaw
Jeff Lane
Tom Leonard
Doug Lombardi
Randy Lundeen
Scott Lynch
Ido Magal
Gary McTaggart
John Morello II
Bryn Moslow
Gabe Newell
Tri Nguyen
Jake Nicholson
Martin Otten
Kristen Perry
Bay Raitt
Alfred Reynolds
Dave Riller
Danika Rogers
David Sawyer
Aaron Seeler
Nick Shaffner
Taylor Sherman
Eric Smith
David Speyrer
Jay Stelly
Mikel Thompson
Kelly Thornton
Carl Uhlman
Bill Van Buren
KayLee Vogt
Robin Walker
Josh Weier
Doug Wood
Matt T Wood
Matt Wright
Valve credits. Copy and pasted it into Excel to quickly count how many people Valve have working there. 82
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ctrl-v = http://furby.pbcproductions.com/smartparts.wmv
was sending that link to a few friends earlier
was sending that link to a few friends earlier
Farrowlesparrow
Tank
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I actually have two other groups though...Chri
Thats it.
Thats it.
snak3y3z1001
Newbie
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- Jul 16, 2004
- Messages
- 375
- Reaction score
- 0
In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is expressly forbidden.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England--but only in tropical fish stores.
In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and or anal sex and is considered sodomy. The same law does not apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.
In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.
In the state of Utah, sex with an animal--unless performed for profit--is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.
Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species (except for insects) in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to keep strangers from peeking in.
In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.
Sodomy laws have been repealed--or are ignored--in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced not long ago to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home. His predicament has apparently been a source of considerable amusement to other inmates.
An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman's written consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse.
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you--or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown--if they're nude.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job--for men only--called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Comer, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio--a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Liquor and sex always seem to go together, even in the writing of laws. Maryland prohibits the selling of condoms through vending machines in gas stations and stores--with one major exception. Prophylactics may be dispensed by a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
Vending-machine condom sales, on the other hand, are banned in such states as Hawaii, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. Yes, you may purchase a pack of gum, a candy bar, some potato chips, or a soft drink from a vending machine--but, alas, absolutely no condoms!
And in Texas, no one other than a "registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets or other public places." No, not even physicians! Anyone who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."
No one may purchase a package of condoms at a corner drugstore anywhere in Nebraska. Only physicians can sell them while practicing medicine. In Arkansas, condoms can be sold only by physicians and other medical practitioners. Delaware allows the sale of condoms only by doctors and wholesale druggists.
Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practitioners and licensed pharmacists, but their license to sell the items may not be hung on a wall where it can be seen by customers. Maine, on the other hand, licenses condom sellers, and the license must always be on public display.
Nevada, with thirty-five legal bordellos, has no condom problem; the law there requires that condoms be made readily available at each brothel. The use of condoms in Nevada brothels is compulsory. No condom, no sex.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is expressly forbidden.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England--but only in tropical fish stores.
In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and or anal sex and is considered sodomy. The same law does not apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.
In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.
In the state of Utah, sex with an animal--unless performed for profit--is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.
Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species (except for insects) in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to keep strangers from peeking in.
In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.
Sodomy laws have been repealed--or are ignored--in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced not long ago to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home. His predicament has apparently been a source of considerable amusement to other inmates.
An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman's written consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse.
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you--or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown--if they're nude.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job--for men only--called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Comer, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio--a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Liquor and sex always seem to go together, even in the writing of laws. Maryland prohibits the selling of condoms through vending machines in gas stations and stores--with one major exception. Prophylactics may be dispensed by a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
Vending-machine condom sales, on the other hand, are banned in such states as Hawaii, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. Yes, you may purchase a pack of gum, a candy bar, some potato chips, or a soft drink from a vending machine--but, alas, absolutely no condoms!
And in Texas, no one other than a "registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets or other public places." No, not even physicians! Anyone who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."
No one may purchase a package of condoms at a corner drugstore anywhere in Nebraska. Only physicians can sell them while practicing medicine. In Arkansas, condoms can be sold only by physicians and other medical practitioners. Delaware allows the sale of condoms only by doctors and wholesale druggists.
Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practitioners and licensed pharmacists, but their license to sell the items may not be hung on a wall where it can be seen by customers. Maine, on the other hand, licenses condom sellers, and the license must always be on public display.
Nevada, with thirty-five legal bordellos, has no condom problem; the law there requires that condoms be made readily available at each brothel. The use of condoms in Nevada brothels is compulsory. No condom, no sex.
snak3y3z1001
Newbie
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- Jul 16, 2004
- Messages
- 375
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- 0
Willowdale, Oregon, has a funny law regarding the use of profanity between a married couple. It's illegal for a husband to curse or swear during lovemaking. But a wife is allowed to whisper the identical naughty words in her hubby's ear while in the act.
Be extremely careful if you're a skating instructor and decide to relocate to Indiana or Ohio. Both of these enlightened states have odd laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This atrocious misdeed, called "the seduction of female students" in the ludicrous legislation, is prosecuted as a felony! This particular statute apparently applies only to male teachers. It seems that female skating instructors may have sex with male students.
Authorities in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, passed a special piece of legislation governing sexual activities in the toll-collection booths on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. The law, which pertains only to female toll collectors, prohibits them from engaging in sex with a truck driver in the confines of a booth. Any woman violating this law will be fired for "behavior unbecoming an employee." (If for any reason the transgressor is later reinstated, she won't be allowed back pay.)
If you happen to be visiting Connorsville, Wisconsin, and are in the throes of lovemaking, be mighty cautious how you celebrate when everything ends on a perfect note. You could get into some legal difficulties. City fathers have banned lovers from shooting a gun when the female partner has an orgasm. (Setting off firecrackers may be safely assumed to be legal for this purpose, as the law makes no mention of anything other than a gun.)
Clinton, Oklahoma, is apparently a community with unusually high moral standards. The city fathers have banned local men from masturbating while observing a couple making love in the back seat of a parked car in a drive-in theater. Such a peeper can be fined and jailed for "molesting a vehicle."
North Carolina has a law on the books against "Peeping Toms," but the legislation is somewhat biased! It's illegal in that state for a man to peep through a window at a woman--yet it's not against the law for a woman to peep into a room occupied by a man. (Nor is it a violation of the law if a man peeps at another man!)
California husbands and wives can both still get a fifteen year penitentiary term for engaging in certain sexual practices. They are specifically prohibited from engaging in any oral activities even in the privacy of their own bedroom.
Try to avoid going through Skullbone, Tennessee, if you desire a little sex while driving. The law there bans a woman from "pleasuring a man" while he is sitting behind the wheel of any moving vehicle. Any man stopped and found with the front of his pants undone can be fined a minimum of $50 and serve thirty days in jail.
In Oblong, Illinois, it's strictly against the law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day! No man may legally fool around with his new bride while out in the wilds on this special day.
Married, yet want to mess around a little on the side? If so, be careful where you decide to play. In California, adultery is punishable by a $1,000 fine and/or one year in prison. But adultery in Arkansas is much cheaper--offenders are fined a mere $20 to $100.
If you live in Michigan and feel an uncontrollable desire to have a fulfilling physical encounter with someone of the opposite sex, please restrain yourself! Take a trip to Texas or Virginia before succumbing to your sensual desires. Why? Because single guys and gals who are caught in the act in Michigan can be fined as much as $5,000, and they could be sentenced to as many as five years in prison. Single adults in Texas who are apprehended while having sex are charged with a misdemeanor and given a $500 fine. On the other hand, singles in Virginia who get caught spend no time in jail, and the fine is a paltry $20 to $100, according to the court's judgment.
Branchville, South Carolina, retains a wonderful old piece of loony legalese covering those who "lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed, and cohabit together, in a public or non-public place." The amorous couple can be punished with a $500 fine and as much as a six-month prison term.
Single folks have it relatively easy in Rhode Island. This state still prohibits unmarried people from partaking of bedroom activities under any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined $10.
Unmarried adults in Arizona who decide to fool around a little are committing a serious felony! Anyone single, man or woman, caught having sex can be sent to the penitentiary for three full years.
Many variations of sexual fun and games have apparently been a popular pastime in societies throughout history. Ancient Roman art regularly depicts quite a number of these activities. So does the art of bygone Greece. Drawings by the ancient Egyptians include the same things. It's found even in paintings done by prehistoric cave dwellers. Despite such artistic license, many of the United States still punish certain bedroom antics rather severely. For example, South Dakota (Compiled Laws 22-22-21) threatens a ten-year prison term for "copulation by means of mouth." Utah (Code 76-53-22) has made this same act a misdemeanor; there, oral sex brings a six-month jail term and a $299 fine. Rhode Island (General Laws 11-10-1) labels it an "'abominable, detestable crime against nature," and such activity brings a seven-to-ten-year stretch in the penitentiary. It is outlawed in New Mexico (Statutes 40-A-9-6), where participation is punishable by a $5,000 fine and a two-to-ten-year sentence. Florida (Statutes 800.01) chastises with a twenty-year prison sentence those who take part in this act.
Maryland still has a unique law on the books regarding what it calls "perverted" or "unnatural" sex acts. The law is one of the most explicitly worded in the nation: "Every person who shall be convicted of taking into his or her mouth the sexual organ of any other person or animal, or who shall be convicted of placing his or her sexual organ in the mouth of any other person or animal, shall be fined."
Men can still be arrested and punished for the crime of "patronizing a prostitute." This is the law in such places as New York, Kansas, Illinois, and Connecticut--which gives a "john" three years in prison. Go to Kansas if you really must do business with a hooker. It's only one month in jail and a $500 fine for anyone who gets caught. Better yet, visit Nevada, where prostitution is legal. (The state actually has had within its borders an organization called the Nevada Brothel Association!)
A gentleman can be incarcerated for from one to ten years in an Arizona or Washington, D.C., prison for causing his wife to be a prostitute." A man can also get ten years in Arkansas and twenty years in Maine and Michigan for placing" his spouse in a brothel. And in Missouri it's a "high misdemeanor" for a fellow to "force" his wife to sell sexual services on the streets.
Don't import an Asian woman and make her a prostitute in California. If you're caught, you could get a year in prison and a $500 fine.
Buckfield, Maine, has a rather unusual law regarding cab drivers and sex. The legislation declares that no taxi driver "will be allowed" to charge a fare to any passenger who gives him sexual favors" in return for a ride home from a nightclub or other "establishment which serves alcoholic beverages," or any "place of business" selling liquor.
Carlsbad, New Mexico, retains a law making it illegal under certain conditions for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work. The car or van must have tightly drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking inside while the activity is taking place.
It's against the law in Beanville, Vermont, for a road map to be printed and sold or given away if it contains advertising of a "lewd or lascivious nature." The ban specifically includes ads for massage parlors and hot tubs, as both are believed to be of a "sensual bent."
Taking an extended vacation trip in the wilderness? Like to have a refreshing bath now and then? Well, think twice before you do when camping anywhere near Cattle Creek, Colorado. An old law there bans a man or his wife from making love while bathing "in any lake, river or stream." In other words, anyone who wants to fool around while bathing must do so in a tub, or not at all.
Incredible as this may sound, it's against the law to make love to a virgin, whatever the circumstances, anywhere in the state of Washington. According to the wording of the legislation, it's a major crime even to marry and then spend the night with a virgin bride in this enlightened area of the nation. Washington's unique legislation reads: "Every person who shall seduce and have sexual intercourse with any female of previously chaste character shall be punished by imprisonment in the state penitentiary for not more than five (5) years or in the county jail for not more than one (1) year or by a fine of $1000 or by both fine and imprisonment."
Liberty Corner, New Jersey, is a place for lovers to avoid if they enjoy making out in an automobile. If the horn accidentally sounds while a couple is having sex in the front seat of a car, it's considered to be an obnoxious activity." Each of the participants can be fined.
Anniston, Alabama, certainly isn't paradise for a liberated woman who might enjoy making love in a pool hall. An old ordinance bans women from using promises of certain physical activities to pay off a bet on a match they are playing. Nor may they initiate sex while hanging around a pool hall.
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of quiet little Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman is charged with a "sexual misdemeanor," and her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The male isn't charged with anything, nor is his name revealed.
Bozeman, Montana, has legislation that bans sexual activity between members of the opposite gender who are found nude in the front yard of a home after the sun goes down. (If doing it in the front yard while naked is outlawed, then making love while wearing socks or other items of clothing must be okay!)
Women who go out on the streets alone at night in Kansas City, Kansas, can be arrested under an obscure 1901 city ordinance. Any unattended females can be picked up by the police if they are "in the streets or any public place without lawful business and without giving a good accounting of themselves."
The law in Cottonwood, Arizona, says nothing about a couple making love in a car with a flat tire. But lawmakers there did ban people from doing this while inside an automobile with "flat wheels." If the vehicle with flat wheels is parked, and you're caught making love in the front seat, it's a $25 fine. But if you're caught playing around while in the back seat, the fine is doubled if your offense is making love while driving such a flat-wheeled vehicle, the fine jumps to $100 for the first offense and $150 for all offenses thereafter. (No one has yet been able to define "flat wheels" correctly.)
There's an odd law governing beds in all Sioux Falls, South Dakota, hotels. Every room is required to have twin beds. And these twin beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
Connecticut still retains an old law forbidding any kind of "private sexual behavior between consenting adults." This odd law makes absolutely no distinction between married and single couples. Is such a law an indication that Connecticut citizens should "do their thing" in public?
Would you like to try giving your lover the "cold shoulder"? An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
The Louisiana House of Representatives believes in keeping up with the times. It hurriedly approved a unique anti-streaking law; under it, streakers can be sentenced to five years in the state penitentiary and given a $2,000 fine for streaking "while intending to arouse the desires of minors." Streaking with only the "intent of arousing sexual desire" brings a violator a $100 fine and one year in prison. If it can be proven beyond doubt to the court that the streaker had "no lascivious intent," no fine or jail term is imposed.
Buggery in Nebraska (Revised Statutes 28-919) is never to be treated lightly! So-called buggery, or anal copulation, can bring a whopping twenty years in the penitentiary. And buggery in Pennsylvania (Statute 4501) is deadly serious as well. It can bring transgressors a $5,000 fine and ten years at hard labor.
South Carolina's Code of Laws 16-412 includes "the abominable crime of buggery." A $500 fine and five years in prison are the punishment. Buggery in Maryland (Code Sections 553 and 554) brings a one- to ten-year prison term. Kansas (Statute 21-3505) treats buggery more lightly. Anyone in Kansas caught engaging in this activity draws a maximum sentence of six months in jail.
Indiana and Wyoming both have laws against anyone's enticing, alluring, instigating, or helping a person under twenty-one to masturbate. This activity is known in legal circles as an act of "self pollution."
Five years in prison for masturbation? Yes! Michigan law prescribes such a stringent sentence for a man who engages "in acts of gross indecency, either in public or private." This includes mutual masturbation by two men or the simple act of solitary masturbation.
New Jersey law threatens men with a three-year sentence for "mutual masturbation." The law covers anyone who, in private, is a party to an act of lewdness or sexual indecency with another."
One more vehicle-sex law! No one may have sex while riding in the sidecar of a motorcycle in Norfolk, Virginia, where an old ordinance outlaws anyone from doing so while cruising down a city street. Such activity is considered to be a "licentious sexual act."
When traveling, if you decide to stop overnight in Hastings, Nebraska, be aware of this loony sex law: The owner of every hotel is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No male and female--even if they are married--may sleep together in the nude. Nor may any sexual activity be undertaken except while the couple is attired in one of these plain white cotton nightshirts.
Procuring or employing an Alabama girl from 10 to 18 years old for prostitution brings a relatively mild $300 to $500 fine and six months in jail. What about a little girl in Alabama under 10 years of age?
Be extremely careful if you're a skating instructor and decide to relocate to Indiana or Ohio. Both of these enlightened states have odd laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This atrocious misdeed, called "the seduction of female students" in the ludicrous legislation, is prosecuted as a felony! This particular statute apparently applies only to male teachers. It seems that female skating instructors may have sex with male students.
Authorities in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, passed a special piece of legislation governing sexual activities in the toll-collection booths on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. The law, which pertains only to female toll collectors, prohibits them from engaging in sex with a truck driver in the confines of a booth. Any woman violating this law will be fired for "behavior unbecoming an employee." (If for any reason the transgressor is later reinstated, she won't be allowed back pay.)
If you happen to be visiting Connorsville, Wisconsin, and are in the throes of lovemaking, be mighty cautious how you celebrate when everything ends on a perfect note. You could get into some legal difficulties. City fathers have banned lovers from shooting a gun when the female partner has an orgasm. (Setting off firecrackers may be safely assumed to be legal for this purpose, as the law makes no mention of anything other than a gun.)
Clinton, Oklahoma, is apparently a community with unusually high moral standards. The city fathers have banned local men from masturbating while observing a couple making love in the back seat of a parked car in a drive-in theater. Such a peeper can be fined and jailed for "molesting a vehicle."
North Carolina has a law on the books against "Peeping Toms," but the legislation is somewhat biased! It's illegal in that state for a man to peep through a window at a woman--yet it's not against the law for a woman to peep into a room occupied by a man. (Nor is it a violation of the law if a man peeps at another man!)
California husbands and wives can both still get a fifteen year penitentiary term for engaging in certain sexual practices. They are specifically prohibited from engaging in any oral activities even in the privacy of their own bedroom.
Try to avoid going through Skullbone, Tennessee, if you desire a little sex while driving. The law there bans a woman from "pleasuring a man" while he is sitting behind the wheel of any moving vehicle. Any man stopped and found with the front of his pants undone can be fined a minimum of $50 and serve thirty days in jail.
In Oblong, Illinois, it's strictly against the law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day! No man may legally fool around with his new bride while out in the wilds on this special day.
Married, yet want to mess around a little on the side? If so, be careful where you decide to play. In California, adultery is punishable by a $1,000 fine and/or one year in prison. But adultery in Arkansas is much cheaper--offenders are fined a mere $20 to $100.
If you live in Michigan and feel an uncontrollable desire to have a fulfilling physical encounter with someone of the opposite sex, please restrain yourself! Take a trip to Texas or Virginia before succumbing to your sensual desires. Why? Because single guys and gals who are caught in the act in Michigan can be fined as much as $5,000, and they could be sentenced to as many as five years in prison. Single adults in Texas who are apprehended while having sex are charged with a misdemeanor and given a $500 fine. On the other hand, singles in Virginia who get caught spend no time in jail, and the fine is a paltry $20 to $100, according to the court's judgment.
Branchville, South Carolina, retains a wonderful old piece of loony legalese covering those who "lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed, and cohabit together, in a public or non-public place." The amorous couple can be punished with a $500 fine and as much as a six-month prison term.
Single folks have it relatively easy in Rhode Island. This state still prohibits unmarried people from partaking of bedroom activities under any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined $10.
Unmarried adults in Arizona who decide to fool around a little are committing a serious felony! Anyone single, man or woman, caught having sex can be sent to the penitentiary for three full years.
Many variations of sexual fun and games have apparently been a popular pastime in societies throughout history. Ancient Roman art regularly depicts quite a number of these activities. So does the art of bygone Greece. Drawings by the ancient Egyptians include the same things. It's found even in paintings done by prehistoric cave dwellers. Despite such artistic license, many of the United States still punish certain bedroom antics rather severely. For example, South Dakota (Compiled Laws 22-22-21) threatens a ten-year prison term for "copulation by means of mouth." Utah (Code 76-53-22) has made this same act a misdemeanor; there, oral sex brings a six-month jail term and a $299 fine. Rhode Island (General Laws 11-10-1) labels it an "'abominable, detestable crime against nature," and such activity brings a seven-to-ten-year stretch in the penitentiary. It is outlawed in New Mexico (Statutes 40-A-9-6), where participation is punishable by a $5,000 fine and a two-to-ten-year sentence. Florida (Statutes 800.01) chastises with a twenty-year prison sentence those who take part in this act.
Maryland still has a unique law on the books regarding what it calls "perverted" or "unnatural" sex acts. The law is one of the most explicitly worded in the nation: "Every person who shall be convicted of taking into his or her mouth the sexual organ of any other person or animal, or who shall be convicted of placing his or her sexual organ in the mouth of any other person or animal, shall be fined."
Men can still be arrested and punished for the crime of "patronizing a prostitute." This is the law in such places as New York, Kansas, Illinois, and Connecticut--which gives a "john" three years in prison. Go to Kansas if you really must do business with a hooker. It's only one month in jail and a $500 fine for anyone who gets caught. Better yet, visit Nevada, where prostitution is legal. (The state actually has had within its borders an organization called the Nevada Brothel Association!)
A gentleman can be incarcerated for from one to ten years in an Arizona or Washington, D.C., prison for causing his wife to be a prostitute." A man can also get ten years in Arkansas and twenty years in Maine and Michigan for placing" his spouse in a brothel. And in Missouri it's a "high misdemeanor" for a fellow to "force" his wife to sell sexual services on the streets.
Don't import an Asian woman and make her a prostitute in California. If you're caught, you could get a year in prison and a $500 fine.
Buckfield, Maine, has a rather unusual law regarding cab drivers and sex. The legislation declares that no taxi driver "will be allowed" to charge a fare to any passenger who gives him sexual favors" in return for a ride home from a nightclub or other "establishment which serves alcoholic beverages," or any "place of business" selling liquor.
Carlsbad, New Mexico, retains a law making it illegal under certain conditions for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work. The car or van must have tightly drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking inside while the activity is taking place.
It's against the law in Beanville, Vermont, for a road map to be printed and sold or given away if it contains advertising of a "lewd or lascivious nature." The ban specifically includes ads for massage parlors and hot tubs, as both are believed to be of a "sensual bent."
Taking an extended vacation trip in the wilderness? Like to have a refreshing bath now and then? Well, think twice before you do when camping anywhere near Cattle Creek, Colorado. An old law there bans a man or his wife from making love while bathing "in any lake, river or stream." In other words, anyone who wants to fool around while bathing must do so in a tub, or not at all.
Incredible as this may sound, it's against the law to make love to a virgin, whatever the circumstances, anywhere in the state of Washington. According to the wording of the legislation, it's a major crime even to marry and then spend the night with a virgin bride in this enlightened area of the nation. Washington's unique legislation reads: "Every person who shall seduce and have sexual intercourse with any female of previously chaste character shall be punished by imprisonment in the state penitentiary for not more than five (5) years or in the county jail for not more than one (1) year or by a fine of $1000 or by both fine and imprisonment."
Liberty Corner, New Jersey, is a place for lovers to avoid if they enjoy making out in an automobile. If the horn accidentally sounds while a couple is having sex in the front seat of a car, it's considered to be an obnoxious activity." Each of the participants can be fined.
Anniston, Alabama, certainly isn't paradise for a liberated woman who might enjoy making love in a pool hall. An old ordinance bans women from using promises of certain physical activities to pay off a bet on a match they are playing. Nor may they initiate sex while hanging around a pool hall.
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of quiet little Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman is charged with a "sexual misdemeanor," and her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The male isn't charged with anything, nor is his name revealed.
Bozeman, Montana, has legislation that bans sexual activity between members of the opposite gender who are found nude in the front yard of a home after the sun goes down. (If doing it in the front yard while naked is outlawed, then making love while wearing socks or other items of clothing must be okay!)
Women who go out on the streets alone at night in Kansas City, Kansas, can be arrested under an obscure 1901 city ordinance. Any unattended females can be picked up by the police if they are "in the streets or any public place without lawful business and without giving a good accounting of themselves."
The law in Cottonwood, Arizona, says nothing about a couple making love in a car with a flat tire. But lawmakers there did ban people from doing this while inside an automobile with "flat wheels." If the vehicle with flat wheels is parked, and you're caught making love in the front seat, it's a $25 fine. But if you're caught playing around while in the back seat, the fine is doubled if your offense is making love while driving such a flat-wheeled vehicle, the fine jumps to $100 for the first offense and $150 for all offenses thereafter. (No one has yet been able to define "flat wheels" correctly.)
There's an odd law governing beds in all Sioux Falls, South Dakota, hotels. Every room is required to have twin beds. And these twin beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
Connecticut still retains an old law forbidding any kind of "private sexual behavior between consenting adults." This odd law makes absolutely no distinction between married and single couples. Is such a law an indication that Connecticut citizens should "do their thing" in public?
Would you like to try giving your lover the "cold shoulder"? An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
The Louisiana House of Representatives believes in keeping up with the times. It hurriedly approved a unique anti-streaking law; under it, streakers can be sentenced to five years in the state penitentiary and given a $2,000 fine for streaking "while intending to arouse the desires of minors." Streaking with only the "intent of arousing sexual desire" brings a violator a $100 fine and one year in prison. If it can be proven beyond doubt to the court that the streaker had "no lascivious intent," no fine or jail term is imposed.
Buggery in Nebraska (Revised Statutes 28-919) is never to be treated lightly! So-called buggery, or anal copulation, can bring a whopping twenty years in the penitentiary. And buggery in Pennsylvania (Statute 4501) is deadly serious as well. It can bring transgressors a $5,000 fine and ten years at hard labor.
South Carolina's Code of Laws 16-412 includes "the abominable crime of buggery." A $500 fine and five years in prison are the punishment. Buggery in Maryland (Code Sections 553 and 554) brings a one- to ten-year prison term. Kansas (Statute 21-3505) treats buggery more lightly. Anyone in Kansas caught engaging in this activity draws a maximum sentence of six months in jail.
Indiana and Wyoming both have laws against anyone's enticing, alluring, instigating, or helping a person under twenty-one to masturbate. This activity is known in legal circles as an act of "self pollution."
Five years in prison for masturbation? Yes! Michigan law prescribes such a stringent sentence for a man who engages "in acts of gross indecency, either in public or private." This includes mutual masturbation by two men or the simple act of solitary masturbation.
New Jersey law threatens men with a three-year sentence for "mutual masturbation." The law covers anyone who, in private, is a party to an act of lewdness or sexual indecency with another."
One more vehicle-sex law! No one may have sex while riding in the sidecar of a motorcycle in Norfolk, Virginia, where an old ordinance outlaws anyone from doing so while cruising down a city street. Such activity is considered to be a "licentious sexual act."
When traveling, if you decide to stop overnight in Hastings, Nebraska, be aware of this loony sex law: The owner of every hotel is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No male and female--even if they are married--may sleep together in the nude. Nor may any sexual activity be undertaken except while the couple is attired in one of these plain white cotton nightshirts.
Procuring or employing an Alabama girl from 10 to 18 years old for prostitution brings a relatively mild $300 to $500 fine and six months in jail. What about a little girl in Alabama under 10 years of age?
CyberSh33p
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'Adjust thrusters, Mr. Haarbürste,' says Roy tersely, his calm capable hands adjusting the controls, the stars reflected in his trademark dark glasses.
'At once, mein Kapitan!' The precision-engineered BMW engines send us zooming through the stratosphere and push us back into our upholstered flight-seats.
'Make your report, Lieutenant Jetta.'
The screen wired to the pod where Jetta nestles snugly flickers into life. 'WE ARE LEAVING EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE AND ON COURSE FOR SPACE' says the read-out.
'So?' says Roy. 'Capital.'
The age-old problem of how to navigate the vast distances of deep space had been solved when it was discovered that terrapins had a unique ability to encompass the manifold plications of space and time. I and my terrapin Jetta immediately volunteered for an exploratory voyage. But who was to command this historic mission? The world was unanimous. There was only one man qualified to be mankind's ambassador to the stars: Roy Orbison, icon and enigma. Or as we must now call him, Captain Roy Orbison of the Space Pioneers.
Suddenly Jetta's translator flashes urgently: 'LOOK OUT!'
It is too late. There is a metallic clang and the ship rocks violently.
Roy thumbs the communicator to Earth. 'Dusseldorf, we have a problem,' he says.
'We have been struck by an asteroid,' I report. 'One of the precision-engineered BMW engines has been knocked out of alignment. Unless it can be mended we will die.'
'Suit me up,' says Roy. 'I'm going out there.'
'Captain,' I say nervously, 'you are not going to like this. I am afraid we forgot to bring space-suits on this mission.'
'Ach!' says Roy. 'This is a grave disappointment.'
I clear my throat diffidently. 'There is one thing we might try. As you know I had the foresight to bring many rolls of clingfilm with us for emergencies just such as this.'
'I scoffed at the time but now I perceive you were wise. You will wrap me in cling-film at once.'
I retrieve some cling-film from the Clingfilm Stowage Compartment where several hundred of the translucent rolls of joy glint softly in the cabin lights.
Roy Orbison unbuckles from his seat and floats out into the middle of the cabin, his black clothing billowing about him in the zero gravity like the folds of some black cloth manta ray. 'Commence,' he says.
As I set to work I seem to hear the strains of Strauss's Blue Danube Waltz in my head. As I orbit him weightless it as if we are performing some graceful ballet together. The clingfilm unfurls in languid arcs in the zero gravity and then girdles him gently as I spiral around him. Soon, Captain Roy Orbison of the Space Pioneers is completely wrapped in clingfilm. In all the infinite galaxies there is not a man as happy as I. Tears of wordless joy leak from my ducts and float off like little jewels, crystallised moments of ecstasy, tiny universes of rapture, perfect unto themselves.
'You are completely wrapped in clingfilm, Captain.'
'Also. Let us see about this engine, then.'
I tether him to me with a long umbilicus of clingfilm and Roy floats out of the airlock into space, protected by his airtight cocoon. Quickly he makes the necessary adjustments and we are saved.
'Emergency averted,' says Roy on his return. 'Now, helmsman, take us to the stars.'
'Aye, aye, captain!' I muse for a second. 'Captain,' I say. 'The advanced civilizations we seek - what do you think they will be like?'
'I do not know,' says Roy. 'But one thing is for certain - they will know the value of clingfilm!'
And we laugh heartily and zoom off to infinity side by side.
But suddenly Jetta's screen comes to life again: 'LOOK OUT - TIME WARP!!'
Everything goes strange. It feels as though my internal organs are sucked out through my ears.
And then...
'I scoffed at the time but now I perceive you were wise. You will wrap me in cling-film at once.'
Roy unbuckles from his seat and floats out into the middle of the cabin. 'Commence,' he says.
We have gone back in time and I will have to wrap Roy all over again!
In space, no-one can hear you squeak with pleasure.
'At once, mein Kapitan!' The precision-engineered BMW engines send us zooming through the stratosphere and push us back into our upholstered flight-seats.
'Make your report, Lieutenant Jetta.'
The screen wired to the pod where Jetta nestles snugly flickers into life. 'WE ARE LEAVING EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE AND ON COURSE FOR SPACE' says the read-out.
'So?' says Roy. 'Capital.'
The age-old problem of how to navigate the vast distances of deep space had been solved when it was discovered that terrapins had a unique ability to encompass the manifold plications of space and time. I and my terrapin Jetta immediately volunteered for an exploratory voyage. But who was to command this historic mission? The world was unanimous. There was only one man qualified to be mankind's ambassador to the stars: Roy Orbison, icon and enigma. Or as we must now call him, Captain Roy Orbison of the Space Pioneers.
Suddenly Jetta's translator flashes urgently: 'LOOK OUT!'
It is too late. There is a metallic clang and the ship rocks violently.
Roy thumbs the communicator to Earth. 'Dusseldorf, we have a problem,' he says.
'We have been struck by an asteroid,' I report. 'One of the precision-engineered BMW engines has been knocked out of alignment. Unless it can be mended we will die.'
'Suit me up,' says Roy. 'I'm going out there.'
'Captain,' I say nervously, 'you are not going to like this. I am afraid we forgot to bring space-suits on this mission.'
'Ach!' says Roy. 'This is a grave disappointment.'
I clear my throat diffidently. 'There is one thing we might try. As you know I had the foresight to bring many rolls of clingfilm with us for emergencies just such as this.'
'I scoffed at the time but now I perceive you were wise. You will wrap me in cling-film at once.'
I retrieve some cling-film from the Clingfilm Stowage Compartment where several hundred of the translucent rolls of joy glint softly in the cabin lights.
Roy Orbison unbuckles from his seat and floats out into the middle of the cabin, his black clothing billowing about him in the zero gravity like the folds of some black cloth manta ray. 'Commence,' he says.
As I set to work I seem to hear the strains of Strauss's Blue Danube Waltz in my head. As I orbit him weightless it as if we are performing some graceful ballet together. The clingfilm unfurls in languid arcs in the zero gravity and then girdles him gently as I spiral around him. Soon, Captain Roy Orbison of the Space Pioneers is completely wrapped in clingfilm. In all the infinite galaxies there is not a man as happy as I. Tears of wordless joy leak from my ducts and float off like little jewels, crystallised moments of ecstasy, tiny universes of rapture, perfect unto themselves.
'You are completely wrapped in clingfilm, Captain.'
'Also. Let us see about this engine, then.'
I tether him to me with a long umbilicus of clingfilm and Roy floats out of the airlock into space, protected by his airtight cocoon. Quickly he makes the necessary adjustments and we are saved.
'Emergency averted,' says Roy on his return. 'Now, helmsman, take us to the stars.'
'Aye, aye, captain!' I muse for a second. 'Captain,' I say. 'The advanced civilizations we seek - what do you think they will be like?'
'I do not know,' says Roy. 'But one thing is for certain - they will know the value of clingfilm!'
And we laugh heartily and zoom off to infinity side by side.
But suddenly Jetta's screen comes to life again: 'LOOK OUT - TIME WARP!!'
Everything goes strange. It feels as though my internal organs are sucked out through my ears.
And then...
'I scoffed at the time but now I perceive you were wise. You will wrap me in cling-film at once.'
Roy unbuckles from his seat and floats out into the middle of the cabin. 'Commence,' he says.
We have gone back in time and I will have to wrap Roy all over again!
In space, no-one can hear you squeak with pleasure.
Jammydodger
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escrow
ComradeBadger
Tank
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My ctrl v =
bind 5 weapon_rpg
bind 4 weapon_mp5
bind 3 weapon_sniperrifle
bind 2 weapon_shotgun
bind 1 weapon_gauss
bind t weapon_m249
bind f weapon_crossbow
bind 5 weapon_rpg
bind 4 weapon_mp5
bind 3 weapon_sniperrifle
bind 2 weapon_shotgun
bind 1 weapon_gauss
bind t weapon_m249
bind f weapon_crossbow
Tr0n
Newbie
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So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
Edit:Name this song folks...
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
Edit:Name this song folks...
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