Jokes

evil^milk

evil^milk

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we haven't had a thread like these in months. i'll begin:

[SARCASM]Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. [/SARCASM]

hhaaaaaaahahahahahahaha...

...

...

...

no.
 
why are pirates called pirates?

BECAUSE THEY ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

sorry to whoever I stole the joke from.
 
What's the new pirate movie rated?

It's rated ARRRRR
 
if I dont see good jokes then I will sing the macarena
 
Not in my thread you won't. :)

edit: a second joke.

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

The pharmacist faints.
 
Speaking of condoms...

A guy wants to screw this girl, right, but it's his first time. He goes to the pharmacy to look for some condoms. He's scanning the wall, but he doesn't know what to get. The doctor comes by and asks him, "You need any help?"

The guy asks which is the best choice. The doctor explains, "Well here's the two pack, it's for High School times, once on Friday and Saturady."

"Now heres the three pack, for college kids, three times on Friday."

"Oh and here's the 12 pack, for married couples, once on January, February, March..."
 
Yo momma's so fat she has to go to the doctors because she is seriously ill. :|

I made that up tonight when I was making fun of rubbish jokes. I am 'core to the max.
 
Pesmerga said:
"Oh and here's the 12 pack, for married couples, once on January, February, March..."
Click to expand...
You just made me think of my parents having sex..
Thats not even remotely funny
Murray_H said:
Yo momma's so fat she has to go to the doctors because she is seriously ill. :|
Click to expand...
lmao :thumbs:
 
Murray_H said:
Yo momma's so fat she has to go to the doctors because she is seriously ill. :|
Click to expand...

That's actually, possibly the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm not kidding. I think I broke my jaw laughing.
 
"Yo momma's so fat that when I was driving my car, she stepped out into the road, I swerved to miss but ran out of petrol.

That's all I got.
 
Whats the difference between a dead baby and a ferarri?

I dont have a ferarri sitting in my garage.

:|
 
A girl goes to confession.....

"Father for I have sinned, I have called a boy a son of a bitch..."
"Now why did you do that?"
"Well, because he grabbed my arm..."
"Like this?" Said the father grabbing her arm.

"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a Son of a Bitch.."
"But he *whisper* grabbed my breasts!"
"Like...This?" Said the father grabber her breasts.

"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"But that's no reason to call him a Son of a Bitch.."
"But he took off my clothes!"
"Like this?" Said the father stripping her naked.

"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"But that's no reason to call him a Son of a Bitch.."
"But he stuck his 'you know what' in my 'you know where'!"
"Like this?" Said the father demonstrating...

*5 minutes later*
"Yeah yeah, that's it!!"
"But that's no reason to call him a Son of a Bitch.."
"But he has AIDs!!"

"SON OF A BITCH!!!"

-----------------------JOKE 2-----------------
Sadly..true story at Wal-Mart...

Was walking around...saw this old couple browsing the pharmacy..at the top of her lungs the woman goes..
"YOU WANT SOME TROJANS HENRY?!?!"
old man looks at her...
"WHAT?!?!?!"
so she repeats it louder....
"Sure!! I feel frisky..."


***
gh0st said:
Whats the difference between a dead baby and a ferarri?

I dont have a ferarri sitting in my garage.

:|
Click to expand...
What's a Ferarri and a dead baby got in common?
They both burn with LOTS of gas......

*shudder*
 
2 guys go into a brothel and ask for hookers. The pimp is worried because there's only 1 hooker there but he realises that they're completly pissed. So he sends 1 guy with the hooker and the other with a blow-up doll.
After 10 minutes they come out and the pimp said
"How were they"
The guy with the hooker says she was great but the guy with the doll says
"I was trying to be a little kinky so I bit her nipple and see farted and jumped out the window"


A man's bar goes bankrupt so he says to friend that he thinks he'll open up a brothel instead. His friend replies
"If you can't sell beer how the hell are you going to sell soup?"


A man goes up to a hooker and asks how much she charges. She replies
"For €100 I'll do anything you want"
"OK, here's €100, go paint my shed"
 
Pesmerga said:
What's the new pirate movie rated?

It's rated ARRRRR
Click to expand...
You got that from Who's Line is it Anyway!



I don't know if you have already read this before. Take a look,

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth. Funniest damned thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night-which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little runts. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment. We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening,

I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been panused in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good dump. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wirecutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a dump. I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances.

By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my anus was reaching Biblical proportions. I began "The Move." For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones anus toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of poop at the exact same second that one's anus is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even anusures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the **** stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little runts attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct it as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over crap no matter what is about to come slamming out of your anus. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since crapping will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my anus exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of crap the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my anus. But remember I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The crap wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the crap wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls. Unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of crap remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the crapping was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit-my back covered in crap that had bounced off the toilet-spattering on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet-which still had enough force to come back at me-covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid crap. All while thick crap was spread all over my anus in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat. And there was no stinking toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh? I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK. I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper.

When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had ****ed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors. They have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes-still stuck in the stall-since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed (in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little runt kid walked in). At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
 
That is the most goddamn funniest thing i have ever read :|
 
Two dwarves win the lottery, and as part of their celebrations, decide to hire two hookers and go to the nicest hotel in town. That done, they part for the night and retire with their respective prostitutes to two adjacent rooms.

The first dwarf has a terrible night; he just can't get it up. No matter how hard he wishes or what his lady-friend does, it just isn't happening, and to make it worse, all he can hear from the next room is 'one two three hnnnurg! one two three hhuuuhh!'

The two dwarves both meet next morning to discuss their lottery-fueled night of passion, and the first describes his woeful tale. The second replies,

'Pah, that's nothing. I couldn't even get onto the bed'
 
Pretty good jokes people, keep them up? Sorry, I dont know any jokes people D:
 
What do you get if you stab a baby again and again and AGAIN?
An erection.

What's blue and f**ks old ladies?
Hyperthermia

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog

What do you call a ferret on ecstasy?
Mad ferret

When I've got more time I might slap up some longer, half decent ones.

By the way, can anyone find an amusing joke that dosen't involve the suffering or humilation of some sort or another. I find it quite funny that all jokes, or at least all funny ones are about suffering... hmm
 
Warning, hard language and a bit of a filthy joke! You have been warned.

*There was a sick joke here but it seems some can't handle it*
 
wow rakurai, your sickness never ceases to amaze me. That was freakin' hilarious :D
 
evil^milk said:
wow rakurai, your sickness never ceases to amaze me. That was freakin' hilarious :D
Click to expand...
Just to clarify that wasn't HIS story.

Username: No.
 
User Name: said:
NO? Shall I remove it then?
edit: done
Click to expand...
Imo it's extremely bad taste. But keep it up if you want, it's not my decision to make.
 
vegeta897 said:
Imo it's extremely bad taste. But keep it up if you want, it's not my decision to make.
Click to expand...

It wasn't a matter of taste, it's just a joke I picked up somewhere.
 
User Name: said:
It wasn't a matter of taste, it's just a joke I picked up somewhere.
Click to expand...
I meant the joke was bad taste...

Okay enough chit chat, more jokes!
 
What's better than ten dead babies in one garbage can?
One dead baby in ten garbage cans!
 
Prince of China said:
What's better than ten dead babies in one garbage can?
One dead baby in ten garbage cans!
Click to expand...

LOL, it seems alot of the jokes are about babys :D
 
Whats funnier than spinning a baby round at 200mph on a washing line?
Stopping it with a shovel
 
Policeman:Knock, knock.

Woman: Who's there?

Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
 
Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, 'Hey, you want a beer?'
Descartes replies 'I think not' and dissappears.
 
Blonde is sitting on the side of the road next to her broken down car. Guy comes up asks if she needs help.

She asks if he can take her to use a phone...

So the guy takes her to his place, rapes her, chops off both her arms, takes her license and finds out where she lives, goes to the house, kills the children and husband, and burns the house down.
 
/\
..
..
..
oO

anyways, whats worse then a pile of dead babies?
A live one in the middle trying to eat its way out

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Cos it was STAPELED to the chicken!

Whats the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of hay?
You cant unload one with a pitchfork x_x

^^ sorry but they are the funniest (dead baby jokes)
 
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