Jokes

[Blackghost905]

Here are some jokes that I have heard over the years please feel free to post a few of your own!

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
__________________________________________________________________

Jokes...
Love Letters:

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

-------------------------------- don't even try to tell me you saw that coming

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Wishes

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?” the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

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New Church

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a new church in their neighborhood. The pastor said "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks to show will-power." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of 2 weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?"

The old man replied... "No problem at all, Pastor".

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

Then he went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights. But, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations. Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked the same question,

"Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No, pastor, we weren't able to make it", the young man replied sadly.

"What happened, my son?" inquired the pastor.

"Well, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there!"

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" said the pastor sadly.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Walmart anymore either."

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Soldiers Girlfriend

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.

The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

 

[Sulkdodds]

What do you call man having a shit in the bushes?

Russel.

 

[Solaris]

"i dont like it"

 

[Blackghost905]

What do you call man having a shit in the bushes?

Russel.

lol, Never heard that one

 

[Reaktor4]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the ****ing manager of this pig shit middle class wankhole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition............wanker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the ****'s blind...'
'Oh' says the manager
'err,can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".' 'Wanker.......'interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears.

The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager,
'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well, replies the pianist there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got ****ing nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'**** it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping
up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous Blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.

'Hi' she says. .........'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling out all over your shoes?"

Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and yells....

"Know it - I ****ing wrote it!!!"

 

[Nat Turner]

Not jokes, but funny as hell:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the ****** when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

 

[jondy]

There are three old men sitting in a pub, discussing their beekeeping over a pint. As the night draws on, they get on to the subject of bee to hive ratios.

'I keep a hundred thousand bees in ten hives' said the first man. 'I find the smaller ratio gives the honey a better consistency.'

'Well, I keep two hundred thousand bees in seven hives', replies the second, 'and I've never noticed anything abnormal; indeed, I find the larger hives are more efficient - and the yield is greater!'

The third man leans over, looking down at his pint.

'I keep one million bees in one hive.'

The other two men are aghast. 'Isn't that somewhat cruel?'

The third man looks up.

'Nah. **** 'em.'

 

[bvasgm]

That joke was so funny it made me lose an electron!

"Are you shure?"

I'm positive!!

 

[Ren.182]

Haha, the pianist joke was good

 

[Beerdude26]

"I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got ****ing nice jugs"

I woke my parents laughing to that

 

[Solaris]

I woke my parents laughing to that

Oh, they were already awake:naughty::naughty::naughty:

 

[Beerdude26]

Oh, they were already awake:naughty::naughty::naughty:

Nah, but my mum is in some kind of sleeping stasis when she goes to bed, if you make a noise that even slightly seems like footsteps, she jumps out of bed yelling "WHO'S THERE? WHO'S THERE?".

She once told me she was surprised she hasn't gotten a heart attack of it, lol

 

[Jintor]

A frog duck into a bar. It asks, 'Got any nuts?' The bartender says no. The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar. It asks, 'Got any nuts?' The bartender says no. The duckwalks out.

The day after that, the duck walks into the bar. It asks 'Got any nuts?' The bartender says, 'I DON'T HAVE ANY NUTS! IF YOU EVER ASK ME WHETHER I HAVE ANY NUTS AGAIN I'LL STAPLE YOUR ****ING BILL TOGETHER!'. The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar. It asks 'Got any staples?' The bartender says no. The duck says, 'Good. Got any nuts?'

 

[Steven]

A frog duck into a bar. It asks, 'Got any nuts?' The bartender says no. The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar. It asks, 'Got any nuts?' The bartender says no. The duckwalks out.

The day after that, the duck walks into the bar. It asks 'Got any nuts?' The bartender says, 'I DON'T HAVE ANY NUTS! IF YOU EVER ASK ME WHETHER I HAVE ANY NUTS AGAIN I'LL STAPLE YOUR ****ING BILL TOGETHER!'. The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar. It asks 'Got any staples?' The bartender says no. The duck says, 'Good. Got any nuts?'

The bartender is such a n00b.

 

[Dan]

A frog duck into a bar. It asks, 'Got any nuts?' The bartender says no. The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar. It asks, 'Got any nuts?' The bartender says no. The duckwalks out.

The day after that, the duck walks into the bar. It asks 'Got any nuts?' The bartender says, 'I DON'T HAVE ANY NUTS! IF YOU EVER ASK ME WHETHER I HAVE ANY NUTS AGAIN I'LL STAPLE YOUR ****ING BILL TOGETHER!'. The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar. It asks 'Got any staples?' The bartender says no. The duck says, 'Good. Got any nuts?'

How the hell did the frog become a duck?

 

[Cormeh]

A cultured couple are strolling through an art gallery reviewing the exhibits, when they come upon a painting depicting three naked black men, one of whom has a pink penis.
Confused, they fetch the curator to explain to them just why the third man has a pink penis and the other two black.

"Well," he begins:

"We all know the terrible oppresion that black people have had to contend with for countless years, and this painting is meant to demonstrate just how people view race."

The couple listen eagerly.

"The reason one man has a pink penis, is the fact that the penis is the ultimate sign of a man's power. The artist in question wants the viewer to see just how unimportant race is, when faced with a man who is both of a different race, and his 'organ' if you will, of power is depicted by that of a race whom is responsible for some of the most heinous crimes in history. So you see, this piece is simply a provocative and compelling story of works, meant to deem how equal all men are!"

Amazed, the couple thank the curator generously and continue to look at the painting. However, they are soon approached by a small Scottish man.

"That curator has no idea what that painting is" he claims.

"And how do you know this?" ask the couple.

"Because" Replies the small man, "I painted it"

"You painted it? Then why does that black man sport a pink penis?!" The couple laugh.

"Its simple. Its a painting of three Scottish coal miners, but one of them went home for lunch."

........ :|

 

[Shamrock]

There are three old men sitting in a pub, discussing their beekeeping over a pint. As the night draws on, they get on to the subject of bee to hive ratios.

'I keep a hundred thousand bees in ten hives' said the first man. 'I find the smaller ratio gives the honey a better consistency.'

'Well, I keep two hundred thousand bees in seven hives', replies the second, 'and I've never noticed anything abnormal; indeed, I find the larger hives are more efficient - and the yield is greater!'

The third man leans over, looking down at his pint.

'I keep one million bees in one hive.'

The other two men are aghast. 'Isn't that somewhat cruel?'

The third man looks up.

'Nah. **** 'em.'

I don't understand...

 

[ríomhaire]

Not jokes, but funny as hell:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the ****** when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Pft, Short Recoil did all that last week and was still home in time for tea.