The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

[CptStern]

#9:

#8:

#7

#6:

#5:

#4:

#3:

#2:

#1:

This passage raises several thousand questions. Just off the top of our head:

What did Saul (the king at the time) want with 100 foreskins? Was he going to make a scarf?

Did David think this was a strange request?

If this was secretly a plan to have David killed, why didn't he require he bring back, say, 100 bear foreskins?

Did David just wander into Philistia and kill the first 200 men he saw? Did they think this was odd? Or, with all the other shit that went down back then, did they just shrug it off?

How do you forcefully circumcise 200 men without violating the "Don't grab the junk" commandment from earlier?

Whose job was it to count the foreskins after David came back? Do they make a pair of tongs long enough for that task?

worth a read, quite hilarious

http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html

 

[Phobie]

Why is it nine? Could they not find a tenth just to round it off?

Also lol.

 

[Darkside55]

F*cking awesome. The Lord can call down bears? That is f*ckin' hot shit right there.

I wish these weren't just stories. I'd hella love a deity who called down bears on my enemies. Somebody talks shit to me and I'd be like, "F*ck you, guy, I have faith in the Lord."

And they'd be like, "What the hell does that have to do with anythOH GOD BEARS!"

 

[el Chi]

I was in a hotel recently and, predictably, there was a bed-side Bible. I'm not a massive fan, but then I haven't read it in years and years so I felt that I'd give it the benefit of the doubt.
It just so happened that I opened it around the same passages as the above #7, about the prostitute.
I stopped reading and put the Bible away.

 

[jimbo118]

Lol@8.
Wtf@1.

 

[CptStern]

the foreskins one is badass/gay

 

[Crushenator 500]

Cracked is an awesome site, and this did not dissapoint

 

[Eejit]

I've spotted #4 in the past myself.

#8 should be placed higher in the list. Bear Summoning wins.

 

[<RJMC>]

something interesting is that the way its written is like a novel

I thought the bible was more "realistic"

 

[el Chi]

Bear Summoning wins.

Undoubtedly a true statement.

I thought the bible was more "realistic"

Sorry, which Bible are you referring to?

 

[kineaesth]

None work for me...

 

[Atomic_Piggy]

I've spotted #4 in the past myself.

#8 should be placed higher in the list. Bear Summoning wins.

Agreed. Bears > Foreskins IMO.

 

[Bad^Hat]

Bear summoning?

Wtf, god's a druid? :|

 

[Tagaziel]

The Old Testament and Revelation are generally really good lectures.

 

[Insano]

I seriously thought they were all made up, as some kind of joke. Then I read all these replies, and noticed that they are real.

God must have had really run out of inspiration to write that crap.

 

[Tagaziel]

I seriously thought they were all made up, as some kind of joke. Then I read all these replies, and noticed that they are real.

God must have had really run out of inspiration to write that crap.

You're just jealous you didn't come up with those ideas first.

 

[Viperidae]

God probably plagiarised Homer.

 

[Bad^Hat]

Bear summoning?

Two hundred foreskins?

Wholesale donkey bone slaughter?

Yeah, sounds like he was pretty short on ideas to me.

 

[Tagaziel]

Bear summoning?

Two hundred foreskins?

Wholesale donkey bone slaughter?

Yeah, sounds like he was pretty short on ideas to me.

Honestly, how many of you would conjure up a story of a guy promising a wife in exchange for 200 enemy foreskins?

 

[Sam]

Honestly, how many of you would conjure up a story of a guy promising a wife in exchange for 200 enemy foreskins?

I have a compilation of short stories on exactly that.

Old testament rawks, new testament fails. Just in general.

 

[Musk]

If you want some great stories read the old testament. It's filled with the old law. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. there was a lot of blood shed.
New testament is all about the coming of Jesus and forgiveness by God and heaven.
Thats a very brief sum up lol

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

Bears are the f*ck, eat it.

 

[Jintor]

Bear Summoning! AWESOME.