Winners Announced for Halflife2.net Poem Competition

[Hectic Glenn]

Many thanks to everyone who entered our competition to write a love poem to the Spitter. We had a massive response and I needed the help of our 3 poetic overlords to judge this contest. I passed on all entries (without names) to Sulkdodds, Ennui & KineticAesthetic and this is what they had to say:

You ?orrible lot. There?s not a poet among you. We have judged you, and we have judged you harshly. Perhaps it would be going too far to say that these stupendously fortunate winners are merely the best of a bad bunch. But we cannot lie: there wasn?t a single entry that didn?t at some point make the judges groan in genuine abdominal pain. Still, we suffered through it, as you did for your art ? or perhaps more accurately for a copy of Left 4 Dead 2.[br]

Therefore, without further ado: WE, the sublime triumvirate, all-seeing, all-sensing guardians of the literary canon, harbingers of the critical eschaton, eaters of the sacred flesh of the English corpus, judges of all space and all time, and according to the powers invested in us by a non-absolutist metaphysics, HEREBY ORDAIN that the winners of the halflife2.net poetry competition, to be feted throughout the halls of eternity for...um...eternity, and to dwell forever in Elysium atop of Mount Parnassus, SHALL BE:

• Kilobyte[br]
• The-One-Free-Man[br]
• themoo[br]
• Matthew Dryden[br]
• Toaster leigh

Big props to all the winners and thanks to everyone who entered! You can read the 5 winning poems right here - Winning Poem Entries.[br]PS: To the guy whose poem came with definitions: many thanks, but actually we know what words mean. We have heads the size of Volkswagens.

 

[DigiQ8]

Congrats to the winners \o/

 

[Lobster]

Haha gratz guys, some funny stuff.

 

[Sulkdodds]

Some runners up (I don't know names, so you'll have to own up):

Spoiler

18)
oh my dear Spitter, my beauty, my dove,
as I look upon your face, or the lack there of.
I see such beauty, I cannot express,
for it has left me, utterly speechless.

I'm sorry but no, we can not touch.
no seriously please, I'm sorry so much.
for to touch your face, your body, your hair.
I feel it might fall off, and will no longer be there.

so I keep my distance, my room, my space,
so I do not hurt, my love, in the face.
I know it might seem, that I do not care,
that my friends are shooting you, and even I dare.

But I do, my love care deeply for you
I do, I do, yes you know it be true
But my dear Spitter, my beauty, my dove
stay back a good distance, or you will I shove

and now that I have the distance, I truly desire
to my friends I must say, ready aim fire.

Ode to vile green bile
A love like ours is like no other
Mine, for your beauty
Yours, for my brains
I answer a blast from your mouth
With one from my shotgun
We share a moment
You spill your guts
And I move on for another

I know who you are; I’ve seen you around;
Remember the days of going round town?
Sometimes I try

[IMG of spitter removed]

To stamp it all down -
the heavy oppressive doubt.
But I know its not right,
You are who you are.

I know how you feel,
When you go for the kill;
I know what its like,
To look like a pike…
But remember thus,
Of our lives in the past,
Where you were one…
And I was other;
Nothing mattered,
Than one another.

I know who you are; I’ve met you before,
To see that you’ve changed,
has given me the brains.
I know not to hate,
But fancy as was before
Because beneath that look
You’re giving me,
I know
who you are.

Claudia - for you do much more than spit -

Your jaundiced eyes searching
For a fresh liver replacement,
What is mine is yours.

Your dainty attire billowing
As you come closer,
Or is that skin?

Your wirestrung pigtails flailing in the breeze
Handles of affection,
Of which I will take reign.

Your gaping jaw open
Begging for a gentle kiss,
My arms wide in a welcoming embrace.

United at last!

Green tears of joy stream down my fa- I’M MELTING

No prizes for those who took an already-famous poem (eg Wilde's Madonna Mia and changed a few words. Nor for those who submitted poems that had nothing to do with L4D (I'm looking at you, 'blue eyes').

 

[Farrowlesparrow]

Congratulations to all the weiners.

Haha.

 

[BlueWolf72]

Congratz to the winnerz

 

[kgwhipp]

Hehe, congrats to winners

Here's my entry:

O dearest spitter how I long to be near.
Your screeching calls cast out: I listen.
Earnest desire neglects any fear.
Teeth grown sharp, so wet they glisten.

Your aromas call to me whilst on my trek.
Tears of sadness dry on my face
like the coagulated blood upon your neck.
For our two souls must eternally run this race.

The draw between us you surely must feel.
That power of your spittle holds no equal.
The time we've been kept apart seems almost unreal.
This chapter of our lives seems just like a sequel.

Forced to keep my distance-- O spite you acid!
It pains my feet, but not as much my heart
knowing that others might find you acrid.
O how I hate that these hoards keep us apart!

For every time I try and speak my love
they come from all sides and out from above.

Oh if only we had met a year ago or sooner,
Love always from me: an infatuated Boomer!

 

[Anddos]

this was my entry

My dear spitter where are you now,
My eyes are dry and you are nigh,
Its been a while since we kissed,
Your mouth looks busted by someones fist,
I miss you're jucies in the night,
I cant take you're thong off its ever so tight,
I hope and dream we can meet again,
Is there a reason why you dont like men,
My lips are dry and feeling the pain,
I hope you return on a midnight train,

 

[Jdshald]

My Entry Jdshald

The hidden beauty behind your eyes
is only matched by your romantic guise.

Your heels of pink and skin so white
I long to be held in your arms so tight

Your liquid juice is tart but sweet
Nothing lovelier doth a mouth excrete

You aid our friends in our hunt for food
By seasoning the meal before it’s chewed

When coated by your green perfume
You assure our prey’s fate of doom

My dreams are filled of moments past
When your lips meet mine as smooth as glass

Your kiss so warm and tongue so smooth
When face to face, my pain you soothe.

In that embrace of my first love's kiss
I thought of our shared memories missed

We met at the Carnival, you and I
You so bold yet me so shy

You showed interest in me though I a wreck
and overcame my tongue and mangled neck

Before we met, my life was a mess
I smoked and drank without detest.

But now I feel no sadness or no pain.
When I’m with you, my life is new again

I am infected with love at your sight
Your presence helps me haunt the night

Wherever you go I shall follow
Behind your trail of greenish yellow

 

[Ennui]

Damn it Glenn, you have to put the sound file for #44 (Matthew Dryden's entry) up on the winners article page! We judged it including that! The people need to hear!

 

[Operational]

Congrats to the winners!

Here is my entry

Spoiler

I’m usually not such a passionate man

But you drive me wild with your perfect tan

And while some try and convince me it’s wrong

I do adore the sight of that pink thong



I love the skimpy clothes that you wear

While you pierce my heart with that stunning stare

Although I’ve swallowed whole bottles of pills

Away from you is when I feel my ills



But when I approach to steal a small kiss

You back away with a curse, scream and hiss

Your big display forces me to admit

There may be more than foreplay to your spit



Your feelings might be more than I can bear

But I have to know if you truly care

With hesitation I ask this question

What is with all the extreme aggression?



Perhaps I should wonder an eager eye

On others while I await your reply

The busty Boomer, bashful and big boned

The wanton Witch, wild, wistful and can be cr0wned



But The Boomer is so very full of bile

And her face is ugly next to your smile

The Witch more pleasurable on the eye

Erratic and too loud with her shrew cry



You are a superior girl for me

So I continue with my sorry plea

You must, please, stop seeking to do me harm

So I can seduce you with my fine charm



I swear that in the end you will be mine

Even if I have to write one thousand rhymes

One day I’ll be dodging your playful goo

While I am making sweet, sweet love to you

 

[Matthew Dryden]

Here is the audio file for my entry:

http://www.modfidelity.com/halflife2.net/ode-to-the-spitter.mp3

Thanks a lot for this competition! It was a very interesting idea...and I love a chance to bring my art and my gaming together!

Best wishes!
Matthew

 

[Kilobyte]

Thanks, and congratulations to all the other winners!

 

[Wanted Bob]

Wow, thats a cool entry Matt. Creating a spoken word poem, very interesting!

 

[Marler]

completely forgot about this. It would have been for a friend who's got it anyway, congrats to the winners

 

[ríomhaire]

Spoiler

For Bill, for without whose hat none of this would be possible.

The first time I saw you, jaws hit the floor
You and I, like looking in a mirror.
And of course you, the eternal giver;
You bathe me in acid and I want more.

Your gaping maw I have want to explore.
Your glowing saliva makes me quiver.
Your sagging breasts like an ageing stripper.
And your bulging stomach makes my heart soar.

We are perfect and our spirits do glide
Across the skies, my dear zombie lover.
Your neck is a comfort that I want near.

Our love was perfect but was toss'd aside!
I couldn't believe that you would ever
Run away with that bastard Richard Gere.

 

[Dekstar]

Sorry but in the winners thread can you justify them all left? Poetry isn't meant to be centered unless specified by the author.

 

[Eejit]

Where's the one with definitions of words?

I can't understand most of the poems

 

[Sulkdodds]

The one that goes 'spit spat spot spit spitting spat sput spit spit SPIT' but is otherwise quite good (themoo's).

 

[argopelter]

I am presently trashing my office, 1970s rock star-style, over the outcome of this contest! Clearly rigged! Fix! But it's fine with me, really, since my new love the spitter will be paying a visit to all of the judges and winners to attest to the quality of my poem.

---

I haven't the words to describe your grace
Or to comprehend your perfect stature
But come with me, let's escape this place 
Lest my teammate's axe be your dispatcher.

Let me speak now of my love's odd yearning!
I pale before you, I am but a man;
For you, O Spitter, my loins are burning,
Now consent or receive my frying pan.

I'll ignore my friends, discard their warnings
And we'll share each other till the morning.

 

[TwwIX]

Kinda pointless handing out these keys to specific websites when everybody and their grandmother can register and join the contest.

 

[<RJMC>]

so I guess I will have to buy the game

 

[Shem]

Too bad my sonnet didn't win, but congratulations to all of the winners!

 

[Otto-Grainer]

Yeah, I know how hard it must have been for them to decide. They're all great! And it's Exactly what sort of submissions I had in mind the moment I heard of the competition.

 

[Yatta]

My poem should have gotten a mention, but f*ck it, I don't care.

Here it is:

Ode to the Spitter

Oh dear special infected, my unique foe
You're in my mind wherever I go
You spit green goo here and there
But I avoid the acid to your despair

You used to be one of us, oh dear Spitter
You'd laugh and cry, be calm or jitter
Time has gone by and you have changed
Your body and mind are infected and deranged

Your neck is long, it is bloody red
Your throat capacity is marvelous in bed
Your pigtails are cute, I like your top
But what's in your belly, can I make it pop?

Your boyfriend the boomer is very jealous
Though you are ugly, you're very zealous
When it comes to survivors, you two compete
And because you're better, he thinks you cheat

Sporting corrosive bile, you haunt my crew
But credit must be given only where it is due
For though we are weary, we are careful of you
Remember when Coach's chainsaw cut you in two?