A different, not-quite-as-awful-week that still results in serious depression

[Stigmata]

Yeah, turns out all that business about me feeling good, and believing this was going to be a good week, is all just a front. I'm not happy, I'm never happy, and nothing makes me happy. Here are the things this week that have contributed to my... well... suicidal thoughts.

- i'm broke
- i won't have enough money to pay off the rest of my rent even if i work every day for the next two weeks
- if i did that i would probably kill myself because my job is horrible
- every day this week has been filled with stress because of the moving and the cleaning
- my roommate did not help one ****ing bit with that, except for the one day where he came over and helped clean the oven
- my friends are slipping away
- i'm 97% sure i didn't get into university
- and if i do, it's too late to take out a student loan in time (couple that with my broke-ness and the fact that my mom refuses to pay my tuition)
- there aren't any other jobs for me to get so that i can psychologically handle making money
- my girlfriend seems disinterested in me more and more every day
- my bedroom here at home has a giant fungal colony in the walls and sleeping there gives me headaches
- i had to call in sick to work today to make sure that something ****ing got done at my apartment (needs to be cleaned out fully by tomorrow afternoon), which makes my money situation even worse
- two days ago the garbage bags got mixed up and i accidentally threw out half my clothes
- my roommate today during cleaning took out a bag with my pillows and possibly some other clothes/things i can't remember but are now gone forever, when i specifically said anything NOT IN MY ROOM is garbage
- i can't teach myself anything because i can't focus, so if (when) I don't get into uni, I still won't be able to progress intellectually

i think that's about it right now. I don't feel good at all. I'm thinking of quitting my job and submitting myself to a mental institution. My depression, though cycling, has gotten steadily worse in the past three years and it's showing no signs of stopping. I don't know what to do, or what I can do. It seems like I've tried everything. Diet, exercise, socialising, setting goals for myself, visiting family, teaching myself a new subject, antidepressants, marijuana, video games, comedy programs, bike rides, a regular sleep schedule, making music, watching relaxing tv with my cat... nothing has changed. I still feel empty and robotic and confused. I hate myself, I hate where I am in life, I hate where I'm headed, I hate that there are no doors open to me even though part of that is directly my fault (I guess the self-hatred makes a lot of sense). Everything makes me angry or sad nowadays. If I ever feel happy, it's never for more than ten minutes at a time, and it's never more than twice a day, and even that is rare.

I don't even know where I was going with that paragraph. I'm so ****ing confused and lost and scared and lonely and sad and I feel like running my head into a tree and dragging my brain stem down the bark until my entire body is split in half and my consciousness is rended to oblivion and I want to feel every god damn second of it.

I don't know what to do.

 

[MorganFreeman911]

I actually don't know what to say to that besides the fact that I honestly consider you a true friend. Without the normal HelpLife sarcasm bull.
The least I can say is "feel better soon, man", but that doesn't really cut it. Have you tried a psychiatrist? I know I keep saying how I hate them, but maybe they can help. Have you tried talking to a loved one (family, brother, etc) about all your stuff, and apply EVERYWHERE (Except for Canadian Tire), because there are still jobs.
<3

 

[Stigmata]

I've seen one on and off the past year and a half. She's the one who prescribed my Zoloft. Every time I break down I end up seeing her, and then I feel okay by the end of the session, but five minutes after walking out the door I'm back where I started.

 

[MorganFreeman911]

I'm just gonna go out and say this, but antidepressants are bullshit. No offense.
Maybe you should try talking to a loved one who actually knows you *(not sounding sarcastic)*

 

[Stigmata]

Antidepressants are bullshit, I agree. Which is why I stopped taking Zoloft last August. It did nothing but make me even more robotic than I am now.

I'd talk to a loved one but my family is at the cottage until the 11th with no phone.

 

[MorganFreeman911]

That's really shitty timing, on their part I'd say. Any brothers or sisters in town?

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

Just know I'll always love you Dave babay.

 

[Murray]

Sounds like my life in a nutshell 1½ year ago.

 

[Sloth]

Just hold on till you find something to make you smile - I hate helplife2.net threads cause I'd almost want to come over and give you a hug, tell you a joke.

Hopefully things are looking up soon.

 

[Laivasse]

Sorry to hear that you're miserable. The only things I can think of saying which might be of any use are:

a) You're not alone, in any sense of the word - there are always going to be people around on HL2.net who are happy to listen, as well as others here who are deeply unhappy like you are.

b) With your problems, try to focus on the stuff that really matters. Not to make light of your raft of problems, but... clothes and possessions come and go; you'll still be alive regardless of whether or not you have a roof over your head; one's course in life gets chopped and changed around; university can be entered into at any time in your life (and loan or not, it's always going to cost a shit-ton); you get the idea. Of all the stuff that seems to be bothering you, I'd say the one thing which could turn out to be irreversible - one of the few types of problems people ever face which sometimes can't be mended at all - is the interpersonal shit. Give your friends a ring, tell your girlfriend how much you appreciate her (if you're happy being with her). Do you have any friends IRL with whom you're close enough to talk about the way you feel atm? If so, and you trust them not to be overwhelmed by it, you could do worse than to go for a quiet drink/whatever with them and let it all out. Just be alive to the danger of your emotional isolation turning into real, physical isolation, because it's hard to come back from that. I'd bet there are at least a few people in your life who very much appreciate your existence, and because of that those people will want to know if you're feeling this unhappy, just so that they can try to help you out if it's within their power.


Otherwise, I just hope shit improves... I think you should definitely talk to your shrink too - even let her know your thoughts on the efficacy of the treatment you've been getting.

 

[VirusType2]

added comments in bold:

- i'm broke It actually doesn't matter, you're still fine. You have food and shelter.
- i won't have enough money to pay off the rest of my rent even if i work every day for the next two weeks just send them a partial payment.
- if i did that i would probably kill myself because my job is horrible Be thinking about a different job. Keep an eye out for something different
- every day this week has been filled with stress because of the moving and the cleaning Moving around is difficult because there's the change and lots of uncertainties, but it's almost over
- my roommate did not help one ****ing bit with that, except for the one day where he came over and helped clean the oven Good that he won't be your roomate anymore. It sounds like he is contributing to your depression for more than not helping clean up.
- my friends are slipping away People don't need friends. Sometimes I wonder why they would even want them. Anyway, your true friends here are closer than ever.
- i'm 97% sure i didn't get into university Community college is cheaper. Anyway, if you find something you love you might not even need much college. My brother makes over $100K a year after just going to a technical school then taking a couple Community College classes. Because he had a passion for it.
- and if i do, it's too late to take out a student loan in time (couple that with my broke-ness and the fact that my mom refuses to pay my tuition) Don't go there. It's almost an epidemic how many kids kill themselves after they can't pay back their school loans. **** that debt. Ask Raz how you can take free classes online from MIT.
- there aren't any other jobs for me to get so that i can psychologically handle making money I'm not sure what you mean, but everybody is hurting right now. Globally, the economy is in the shit. Take it easy. Be thankful you have your health and family and see if you can make it through. Things will be better when you least expect it.
- my girlfriend seems disinterested in me more and more every day Forget about her right now. Girls come and go. If she can't stick by you when you are going through some shit, then she doesn't sound like she'd make a great wife or mother. More problems.
- my bedroom here at home has a giant fungal colony in the walls and sleeping there gives me headaches Find some powerful cleaner designed for that and spend 5 minutes scrubbing it.
- i had to call in sick to work today to make sure that something ****ing got done at my apartment (needs to be cleaned out fully by tomorrow afternoon), which makes my money situation even worse Yeah but at least you got the day off. Plus you need to get this over with so you can leave this shitty event behind you. This is probably half of your problem and once you are done you won't have to deal with it again. Just go in there dosed up on caffeine and clean carbohydrates and clean that ****er up. Bring an MP3 player.
- two days ago the garbage bags got mixed up and i accidentally threw out half my clothes That can happen. Next time use a different color bag or put some duct tape label across it... something. Use boxes. If you can't get the clothes back then there is no sense dwelling on it. I guess it's like crying over spilled milk.
- my roommate today during cleaning took out a bag with my pillows and possibly some other clothes/things i can't remember but are now gone forever, when i specifically said anything NOT IN MY ROOM is garbage Damn that's ****ed up, but you can get a pillow for about $3-5 at a dept. store. Ask your mom for an extra. If you don't really know what stuff was lost, surely it wasn't your most valuable stuff.
- i can't teach myself anything because i can't focus, so if (when) I don't get into uni, I still won't be able to progress intellectually You'll be able to focus once you clear your mind and are free of all of these problems. Everybody gets overwhelmed. And I'd say you have a good reason to be. I know you've got some problems, but that doesn't make you mental.

i think that's about it right now. I don't feel good at all. I'm thinking of quitting my job and submitting myself to a mental institution. I was going to try this but I don't think you can do that. A doctor or court has to admit you I think. My depression, though cycling, has gotten steadily worse in the past three years and it's showing no signs of stopping. I don't know what to do, or what I can do. I bought some small plants and a window planter, hung a new curtain up in that window and my life changed. It seems like I've tried everything. Diet, exercise, socialising, setting goals for myself, visiting family, teaching myself a new subject, antidepressants, marijuana, video games, comedy programs, bike rides, a regular sleep schedule, making music, watching relaxing tv with my cat... nothing has changed. The best thing to make you feel better is cleaning. Just keep thinking while you clean. It's how your mind sorts shit out. Then you will have your gameplan memorized and you will feel more relaxed. And having things clean is very stress free. Just clean for like 3 hours a day. Look forward to what you can do the next day, getting things done. Find things. Make sure you are getting enough sleep. I still feel empty and robotic and confused. We are robotic. The thing is, there is no puppet master. We are completely independent to think and do as we please. I hate myself, I hate where I am in life, I hate where I'm headed, I hate that there are no doors open to me even though part of that is directly my fault (I guess the self-hatred makes a lot of sense).I know what you mean. My parents and my bros all seemed to have met their destiny without even trying, while I've struggled my whole life, and I always get the feeling I haven't seen the half of how bad things can get. ****it bro ... man, we all make mistakes and you got to let it go. Video games **** us up because we get to start over or reload and it's not like that. What's done is done and here you are and let's go. Everything makes me angry or sad nowadays. If I ever feel happy, it's never for more than ten minutes at a time, and it's never more than twice a day, and even that is rare. Fap more times. Fap so hard that your girlfriend will start to get jealous. Just get settled in at your new place and you'll be alright.

I don't even know where I was going with that paragraph. I'm so ****ing confused and lost and scared and lonely and sad and I feel like running my head into a tree and dragging my brain stem down the bark until my entire body is split in half and my consciousness is rended to oblivion and I want to feel every god damn second of it.

I don't know what to do.

I really don't want to give relationship advice, especially with such few details. I guess you could safely get drunk and explain to your girlfriend that you aren't happy. Don't specify that you aren't happy with her, just tell her you aren't happy and then be silent. Your girlfriend should want to make you happy, if not then ignore her for 30 days and you'll be over her and she will be in check. I'm not saying break up with her, just spend less time worrying about her. You are the one you need to worry about. I suggest you accept that she isn't everything, she is a small part of the things that are important to you right now. Women want a nest, don't hate her for her built in programming. If you lose your apartment and you still keep the girl then she's truly yours.

 

[Stigmata]

Thanks for the advice guys. I know it's all temporary, but it's just absolutely overwhelming right now. I can't sleep, even though I'm tired. I can't cry even though I want to. And I'm hungry a lot, but when I eat I feel nauseous. It almost makes me laugh that my depression is a positive feedback loop. Almost...

I yelled at my cat about fifteen minutes ago. He was yowling in the other room for no reason so I screamed at him to shut the **** up for once. He then came into the TV room and laid down beside me without making a sound. I feel kind of bad but he seems okay. And now I'm rambling about my cat, so I'm going to try to get to sleep. Probably still going to have to call in to work tomorrow though, on account of the crippling despair.

'night everyone.

 

[MorganFreeman911]

VirusType2. Ace psychologist extraordinaire.
This is why I love helplife2.net.
Also, goodnight, D-Bizzle.
<3
****, my foot's asleep.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

REMEMBER WHAT I SAID EARLIER DAVE YOU MUST KEEP SEARCHING FOR THAT THING you c*nt I love you night boys.




Edit: and by that thing I mean that thing that makes you happy

 

[Remus]

Words of wisdom as always Willie.

 

[VirusType2]

I'm trying to help, I don't have all the answers. If you get sick when you eat, then just nibble on some stuff throughout the day instead of eating meals. Drink more water. Goodnight bro.

 

[Dekstar]

Aw Stiggy. I wish I could could hug you too from across the web .

I can't really offer any decent advice I'm afraid, but a lot of people seem to have good ideas. I think most people are in similar positions job-wise (or worse, out of a job), so that should be seen of as a positive thing for you, even though it's a terrible job.

 

[Eejit]

Drink more water. Goodnight bro.

But we're running out!!


I'd agree with Laivasse here, it's important to try not to let all this impermanent shit screw up your relationships with those close to you.

 

[Tyguy]

i hear ya stig, i have days like that quite frequently. I'm bi-polar so I go from high to low very quickly and it's often due to something very subtle like a comment or a movie. The OCD doesn't help either as the constant racing thoughts are just another part of me that i dislike, but the only thing i can do about it is try and fight as hard as i can and take meds. I'm seeing this new doctor (for the 5th time) and he's finally prescribing medication.

The last couple years have been really bad for me. I'm betting you're like me in that you are constantly self-analyzing and comparing yourself to others. This is a recipe for disaster and always causes me to experience intense anxiety which in turn causes depression.

I would take the suggestions that virus gave but I would also reconsider your medication. It's not all bullshit, the last time I went on Cymbalta I felt 100 times better (although it gave me some bad side effects) so it's just a matter of balancing the meds right. Also, share as much as you can with whoever you can, getting stuff off your chest really helps. I have a blog for my OCD/anxiety where I just vent and it seems to really help. It's not going to cure me but it makes the day a little easier.

My recommendation for you would be to not give up on medication and to see someone regularly. If you feel like you have no place to turn and cannot curb your depression then maybe admit yourself to a hospital. I know this might seem like a bad option but it can really help get your life back on track.

 

[Shift]

Don't take medication because it doesn't work with this sort of think. We all have these moments where we feel like the walls are closing in around us and you feel completely isolated from the rest of the world without a snippet of help from anyone, I get this especially being an anxiety sufferer, I get these weird feelings of detachment from my surroundings, and when you are already lonely and frustrated with things it just adds to the problems. And top of all that I had my parents constantly getting at me, my friends thinking I am fine when I really wasn't (mainly because there isn't really anyone in my life I can talk to about these things so I've tackled them all myself since I was 12) and tackling uni work as well as getting through the daily grind of playing the manchester music scene in my band which I suppose helped things rather than hindered.

I mean even now, I am relatively calm but its still there, I think I got around it but just trying not to worry about everything so much, looked at all the problems I had to just devised the best possible approach to solving all of them, once I did I at least could start to focus again, and gain control. For a start you should have a good talk with your girlfriend or find a new relationship, your girlfriend should be there for you when no one else is and vice versa, if you can't consult in her during this tough time then I can't see that your relationship is working very well. Take it from me, tackling these problems yourself like I have to do is lot harder than if you have someone you can lean on once in a while.

 

[Dodo]

Dont look at the video, just listen, there's some great advice in there. Really.
Stigmata, just hang in there, youll be fine, really.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol2fN0bZCso

-dodo

 

[nurizeko]

Antidepressants are bullshit, I agree. Which is why I stopped taking Zoloft last August. It did nothing but make me even more robotic than I am now.

I'd talk to a loved one but my family is at the cottage until the 11th with no phone.

What's worse, being a robot or being depressed?.


There's no magical off-switch to depression (yet, think optimistic!) but remember, you've felt good before, normal even, and you'll feel that way again.

So yeah, I cant really comment, I've had depression or something like it long in the past but that passed and I have no idea what its like dealing with it every day but just try and see the positive, be a hopeless believer in hope ya know?.

If scientists can put man on other planets and figure out models for the theory of all sorts of things then its only a matter of time before they find that happy anti-depressant that is a lot less crude.

Try and will your mind to create the dopamine or whatever you need.

I dunno, but think outside the box, as bad as it is the depression has helped make you who you are, its a part of you, so find a way to make it work for you.





Most of all man though, I just hope you feel cooler about things soon. :cheers:

 

[ThunderDawg]

^.^ Play that video again, this time, watching it too ^.^

No matter how bad things get, that's only temporary, and things could also be much, much worse than you can even imagine. You can work it out, you might even be amazed at what a little blood sweat and tears will accomplish.

 

[Raziaar]

Hey Stigmata. I don't really know any specific ways I can help deal with your problems. But I want you to know I'm always here for you to talk to.

As somebody who suffers from depression himself(and who has no life and no real life friends and very little contact with online ones), I completely understand how you feel. Granted, I do not have the whole plethora of real problems that you are faced with though.

Just hang in there dude. And forget about all that C++ stuff, we don't have to do that as it'll just frustrate you probably, but if you do want to I am still completely willing.

 

[SimpleAssassin]

Ugh depression, was pretty much completely depressed a few weeks ago but i went through a stage of just forgetting about it and was happy for a few days. Now im just completely meh, but yeah its always better when there are people to listen and even though i dont know you that well im another that is here for you and i say this completely straightfaced and serious.

 

[Rizzo]

Im pretty much where you are now, with less of the depression though I rearly get stressed, not becouse of my time, but becouse if I can't make it, I can't, and I don't want to be stressed about shit I can't control. I never had girlfriend and not many friends. But I make do with those I got, and try not to give that much of a ****.

 

[Raziaar]

I will say that I am pretty much robot all of the time now. I don't experience too many emotions. Though for me, I would say it actually kind of helps my depression because I don't really give myself the chance to feel bad for myself. Instead it just sits there collecting dust.

May prove to be a fire hazard some day though, I don't know.

 

[Tyguy]

you have to admit, any other forum would have at least a few assholes just trying to be funny. helplife2.net ftw

 

[Dodo]

try and find joy in smaller not important things, your cat doing stupid things, a paper bag playing with the wind, ... stuff like that.
Being depressed will make it more difficult for you to get out of your situation...

Start small, look for small things that make you happy, and slowly work your way out of it. But you have to keep your head up. And **** medication (dont know how sirious it is, but if it only helps you only a bit, bite the bullet and start living without help, ... maybe this is bad advice.)

Anyway ... ***ing RAAAGE that shit man : D
Smile and laugh alot, find friends to laugh with, ... and smoke a spliff for me : )
/rant

-dodo

 

[Sheepo]

Just don't think about your stupid goddamn depression, change your attitude, and do things that you like. That's pretty much the only way I get by.

 

[NeptuneUK]

Here's my advice if everything does happen to **** up, but stay strong! You can lie down in the dirt and die or you can go down with a f*cking spectacular fight! If all hope is lost in the fuhrer bunker, try starting again somewhere new and studying, even a different (english speaking?) country. Being a student opens up so many social networking opportunities and it's not like you can't go visit home all the time or even change your mind. If your goals slip out of reach, create new smaller ones, one step at a time that improve your situation to allow you to climb to the top. If you can't get the funding for university this year, you haven't lost the war just yet. Tough it out until the next academic year and try again with utmost preparedness!
Try visiting some sort of psychiatrist with the aims of better understanding of how your brain works, what you don't like about your thought processes and how to beat them at their own game.

 

[swan_song1973]

don't do any drugs, itll only make shit worse. take a step back and re-evaluate everything you're doing, and really think before you do something. oh, and listen to music.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

You know you could play Bad Company with me and Shammy again to take your mind off things.

 

[repiV]

Three steps to solve your problem.

Realise that it's your present situation that's causing your depression, not you, and that it's not something intangible which you are destined to suffer for eternity. Why do you hate yourself? Why do you hate where you're headed in life? All of these things are within your control. I imagine that you probably feel that it is not within your control, which in itself is destructive to mental wellbeing. Take control over your life again.

Figure out the root causes behind your unhappiness. There's always a more basic factor behind any reason you give for dissatisfaction in your life, something that links that particular aspect which you think is bothering you with the emotional state which is actually bothering you. Why does being skint make you unhappy? Why are your friends slipping away, and why does that bother you? It sounds silly, but just keep drilling down every complaint until you can't ask "why?" any more times on that issue and you'll find the true reasons you're unhappy. Only then can you begin to address them properly.

Then, take positive action to improve your life based on eliminating the root causes behind your unhappiness. You've obviously put a lot of effort into this already, which is commendable and more than a lot of people in a depressed state ever do, but it's no use if the effort is wrongly directed. Exercise and socialising aren't going to make you happy if it's not the lack of those things which is missing in your life.

As I've tried to tell Raziaar in the past, I've been in the same situation he is now and I couldn't be more different today. It took years of hard work but I got there. A good life is not only for other people. It's for you too.

 

[jet_porkins]

I am truly sorry, Stigmata

Sounds like my life in a nutshell 1½ year ago.

Anything in particular that got you out of it?

 

[VirusType2]

It's funny that you mention yelling at your cat Stig. When I was down I got annoyed at my lizard and yelled at him for scratching the glass.

He needed attention, and my job as his caretaker is to address that attention. One day something just flicked. I guess I put him at a higher priority than before. When he wants attention, I stop what I'm doing immediately and take care of him.

Animals don't get the patience humans get. Somewhere, It began to make me happy to care for him, instead of being a drag or nuisance. I guess I noticed that doing things for him makes him content. Postponing giving him attention is the equivalent of letting your baby walk around in shitty diapers - eventually you still have to clean it up, but it's going to be even worse if you put it off.

Point is, see if you can find amusement and joy from seeing that your pet has the best care.

Talk to your cat. Get in his face and talk to him and pet him; show him some love, and you'll get some back.

 

[Stigmata]

I love my cat to death and I pet him all the time. I just snapped. And I snapped again when I walked in the door about half an hour ago.

 

[Ennui]

Dave

Keep your head up, things will not seem as bad when you get out of the trough you're in right now. Perspective is everything. I wish I had more to say.

If it all gets totally awful, move to NC and come hang out with me and my friends. We're all awesome.

 

[VirusType2]

Of course you love your pet. Don't take this as criticism, we've all snapped at someone/thing before. But take it from me, that behavior can easily become a nasty habit. It's best to make a conscious effort to change it into a good habit as soon as possible.

This is what happens to men who abuse their wives. They can't help it. They didn't nip it in the bud the first couple times it happened. Maybe your situation isn't serious, but yelling at your pet when they didn't do something wrong isn't healthy or appropriate.

You can psychologically damage your pet into being forever afraid of you. This will also hurt your feelings when you come to show it some love and it runs away in terror.

 

[repiV]

Just to add...

I think the most important thing to remember is that noone else can tell you what you need to do in order to be happy. The only person capable of that is you. The best that anybody else can do is to help you understand yourself better and to guide you along the right path. If you look to others for answers to your problems, you'll get absolutely nowhere. What you need from others are questions, in order to help you find the right answers for yourself.

It's all down to you. It's your fault you're depressed, and your responsibility to fix it. That might sound daunting, or harsh, but actually it's incredibly liberating. It means you have the power to change it. You are the master of your own destiny.

Take it or leave it, but, I wish you the best of luck in your endeavour. If you do come through this you will be a stronger person than most people who've never had such a crisis, and that I assure you is worth working for.