Hey Stig, whatcha' thinkin'? (some personal bullshit)

Stigmata

The Freeman
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helplife2.net and venting and etc etc

Interesting developments in my life as of the past three months, involving people I've done absolutely nothing to hurt emotionally, physically, or financially!

My mother failed to:
- invite me to her mother's funeral
- inform me of my grandmother's death
- keep me updated on her deteriorating condition

following my wishing her a happy Mother's Day and inquiring about recent events in her life.

My brother failed to:
- say he loved me
- say anything at all

following a facebook message telling him I loved him and miss how we used to be closer when we were kids and would like it if we were closer in the future and that I am putting in effort to do so.

My roommates (whose interests, activities, personalities, and political attitudes overlap massively with my own) failed to:
- include me in anything
- inform me of house events
- knock on my door when things happen, which they say they will do every ****ing time an event is mentioned in conversation

following repeated and serial instances of me engaging myself socially with them, co-operatively experiencing laughter and enjoyment, being interested in their lives, and them being made aware of my anxieties.

My real-life ex-friend-of-the-past-university-year failed to:
- not berate me for being depressed
- be understanding of my social and psychological problems, despite being a third-year Psychology student who herself suffers from depression and anxiety
- not talk over me repeatedly and show a clear lack of interest in anything I add to the conversation that doesn't immediately pertain to her

following us having a friendship for many months.

Moments in which I don't fantasize about painting the walls with the ejaculations of my jugular are rare and fleeting. I actually cannot conceptualise future events beyond the end of October.

I'm not a happy person. :)
 
Sounds a lot like my life recently, except i'm fairly certain that i'm just extremely delusional, and merely perceive most of the more extreme cases of betrayal in my life.

Don't worry stig, it'll get better, as cliche as that is to say. I think that, if i've been able to make it the past 18 years without killing myself, almost anybody can!

If anything, I think it's better to be alone anyways. **** people and trying to interact with them, it's all just superficial bullshit anyways.
 
I would offer to hang out, but we're like 808908 miles apart.
 
Who says "I love you" to their brother?

In roomate situations, its best to leave your door open if you're expecting people to talk to you. Closed doors = privacy unless you're needed urgently.

As to the other stuff, I can't really comment. I get tired of socializing quickly, and only really hang out with people twice a week usually.
 
It's hard to comment because that stuff just seems so incomprehensible. How does a person manage to display such callous disregard for others? Unless you're not representing things accurately (and I believe that you are) I'm completely baffled by that kind of behaviour. In the case of family it may be some weird passive-aggressive attempt to draw blood from you in revenge for perceived grudges, but in the case of roommates, it's very confusing. As for your friend, though, you don't need friends like that. Talk to her and if she doesn't respond as you'd like her to I suggest you leave her out of your life in future. Really sorry to hear about it all anyway. :<
 
I've heard of people's parents not telling them of their grandparent's death/funeral so as not to stress them out. I'd be pretty pissed off if that happened to me though.
Siblings... never been close to mine
Roommates... haven't had any for years
Old friends... one of mine has about a 90% failure rate of showing up whenever we have plans to meet (however, he does this to everyone). I can't really complain too much as I'm not that great of a friend either, but I at least bother to show up for things I say I'm going to. I can count two old friends I still interact with nowadays.

I probably cared more at some point in my life, and now, I mostly don't. After a while, you start to find that other people aren't really that much better off socially. Like those two friends -- they're infinitely more social than I am, but they don't keep in touch with anyone from college anymore either.

Anyways, I didn't mean this to belittle your problems. More of a "you're not alone" thing. Hope things start looking up. In the meantime, keep yourself busy; that tends to help.
 
We love you Stig!

I gotta run to work shortly, but come on man... if the quality of life isn't good with the people you're around now, that's not the end of it... there's many other people out there. Granted, there's not some other family, but friends and such definitely, they're out there. Not everybody is an uncaring douchebag.

Just try and avoid those suicidal thoughts. It's not always going to be shitty and you're going to want to be around when for chances that it's not.
 
My mother failed to:
- invite me to her mother's funeral
- inform me of my grandmother's death
- keep me updated on her deteriorating condition

following my wishing her a happy Mother's Day and inquiring about recent events in her life.

ok that's bad

My brother failed to:
- say he loved me
- say anything at all

following a facebook message telling him I loved him and miss how we used to be closer when we were kids and would like it if we were closer in the future and that I am putting in effort to do so.

my older brother has said it once in my lifetime and my younger brother has never said it. guys will be guys

My roommates (whose interests, activities, personalities, and political attitudes overlap massively with my own) failed to:
- include me in anything
- inform me of house events
- knock on my door when things happen, which they say they will do every ****ing time an event is mentioned in conversation

following repeated and serial instances of me engaging myself socially with them, co-operatively experiencing laughter and enjoyment, being interested in their lives, and them being made aware of my anxieties.

My real-life ex-friend-of-the-past-university-year failed to:
- not berate me for being depressed
- be understanding of my social and psychological problems, despite being a third-year Psychology student who herself suffers from depression and anxiety
- not talk over me repeatedly and show a clear lack of interest in anything I add to the conversation that doesn't immediately pertain to her

following us having a friendship for many months.

Moments in which I don't fantasize about painting the walls with the ejaculations of my jugular are rare and fleeting. I actually cannot conceptualise future events beyond the end of October.

I'm not a happy person. :)

ya the thoughts of suicide are bad. not knowing what you're going through I'll just say that's it's not as bad as it seems especially given time (I'm sure you've heard this countless times but it's true; most problems are surmountable). you're still young and most of the pain from these sort of events will subside given time and you'll probably end up wondering why you gave a shit in the first place (excluding the family part)

anyways you should be talking to a doctor not people who have zero experience in diagnosing mental issues. no really you need help if you have thoughts of suicide on a daily basis
 
anyways you should be talking to a doctor not people who have zero experience in diagnosing mental issues.
I know you're probably not familiar with the concept of having people on this forum who like you and care about you.

Sounds like a lot of shit Stig, try to keep your head up and persevere.
 
Are you currently doing anything? My usual yearly bouts of crippling depression usually cures itself when my schoolwork literally leaves me no time to be depressed.

Go engage in some work you find fulfilling, a hobby, or just anything that lets you get your mind off your problems. You can't solve most of them; and sometimes they'll solve themselves, and in any case you can't solve problems while having suicidal thoughts.

Your mother: She is your mother and you must love her for that is right. Find out (after you've un-depressed yourself) why she'd do something like that to you.

Your brother: Obey your parents and love your brothers. If you don't live together it's natural that people grow apart and also natural that guys don't say I love you to their brothers. But I don't have a brother so disregard that.

You roommates: You can't expect them to try to socialize with you when you aren't with them; you need to go to them. Of course, this can be hard, but since you know them I suspect that it might be easier than trying to know a whole new set of people. Or I've misunderstood this and they are assholes, in which you need to punch them repeatedly in the face and than get the **** out. But probably, they sense that you are down about something (your current depression) and since they don't know how (or why) to cheer you up, they let you be, believing that you will get over it. They can't read minds.

Your friend: She obviously doesn't think you as more important than her. She cares only about herself. Strangle her in her sleep. Also, people can't understand depression because people are, lets face it, retarded assholes. Likely, people don't understand that other people have feelings, and the people that do are reduced to a socially awkward nervous wreck because the only thing that they can think about is how to not offend, even in the most slightest of ways, other people's fragile emotions.
 
Moments in which I don't fantasize about painting the walls with the ejaculations of my jugular are rare and fleeting. I actually cannot conceptualise future events beyond the end of October.

This is never, ever, EVER the answer to life's problems. Not that I can say I know how you feel at all because that would be lying to seem more sympathetic but life is a piece of shit at times for many people and pretty much everyone has moments in which they feel a massive sense of despair.

As for your room mates, well. In my first year of Uni, I had pretty much the same thing. I just didn't get on with my flat mates that well, despite having socialised with them and had the laughter and didn't wanna be the one making all the effort while they made none etc.

So I just hung out with other people. Other people I now live with in a rented house.

As for your family, well. If you don't mind me asking, what is this 'condition' your mother has? Could that be related to her seeming distance from you? Is it a mental / psychological deteriorating condition?

I can't really comment much on your brother, maybe he's been busy, maybe it seems worse because of what you feel about your mother so you're now projecting that onto other family members? Just suggestions, not solid statements.

Your psychologist friend, well. She seems like she's not really the one to talk to if she's more interested in talking about herself / not listening to you. You don't need her, really.

Sometimes one can feel massively alone and cut off, despite being surrounded by people. But don't f*cking kill yourself. Or I will come round to where you live and I will draw a penis on your face. ¬_¬
 
dude, hang in there. go for a walk/run and start working out! it helps so much man trust me.

If you don't already, take multivatimins/vitamin D and fish oils...helps trumendously seriously
 
anyways you should be talking to a doctor not people who have zero experience in diagnosing mental issues.

God forbid you confide in friends. We're not here in place of a doctor, we're here because he wants somebody to know how he feels and I appreciate that cause I experience many of the same things.

I stopped posting some of the emotional stuff I used to because I was sick and tired of the "GO SEE A DOCTOR NOT POST ON A FORUM" shit that was completely counter productive.

It's a community, if you're not one of those members who cares to have this stuff shared with you, just ignore it.
 
I don't think Stern meant to be an unsupportive dick, and he makes a valid point - professional help can be dead important.

Amidst Numbers' CAULDRON OF TOTALITARIAN LIES there is a gem of importance: being busy leaves no time to be depressed. I know that my own feelings of that nature will always return when my life starts to empty out, and flee when I manage to fill my life with stress and curiosity. I'm trying to say more and more compassionately but I'm kind of drunk so it's difficult to articulate and I don't want to make mistakes, so please forgive me for ending my post there. <3
 
I don't think Stern meant to be an unsupportive dick, and he makes a valid point - professional help can be dead important.

Amidst Numbers' CAULDRON OF TOTALITARIAN LIES there is a gem of importance: being busy leaves no time to be depressed. I know that my own feelings of that nature will always return when my life starts to empty out, and flee when I manage to fill my life with stress and curiosity. I'm trying to say more and more compassionately but I'm kind of drunk so it's difficult to articulate and I don't want to make mistakes, so please forgive me for ending my post there. <3

Well yeah of course professional help is good, but the post came off as "don't talk to the forum members because they can't help you." Well that really was exactly what he said, not as it came off.

Unfortunately though I have to disagree on the busy depression thing. Some of my depression seems to be aggravated by being busy. My thoughts racing and no time to focus on it but it's still nagging me in the back of my mind all the while I work. Builds throughout the day until finally I get moments to myself and then it just comes rushing out. It's sort of like all the being busy just wears down my mental immune system.

I think the best thing is just to find somebody you can really talk to about things... anything, everything. Those people are hard to find honestly, I've never really found one. I can't talk about those things to my family, it's just too hard on me and I don't want to bother them.
 
Maybe it's different for everyone, then - I only know that hard work and activity has always helped me. And absolutely agreed, you need someone who can talk to you who won't judge you and who you feel safe admitting things to. That could be us, if there's no better substitute. :p
 
This is in no way supposed to be an asshat-like / trolling comment but my God, there appears to be a fair number of people with experience of depression on here for such a small community. :|
 
One hopes that correlation is not cause.

Of course there's a fair number of people with depression in society...
 
For the people saying go seek professional help? What will that honestly accomplish? Think about it.

Psychiatry is a giant guessing game. They don't know any more then this community does. Feel something? "HEY HERE'S A PILL!! TRY THIS OUT!! IF THIS DOESN'T WORK, WELL DON'T WORRY WE GOT A SH!T LOAD OF OTHERS TO TRY FROM!!...oh yea we're gonna also need $5k for our services too! kthxbai".

Seeing a psychologist would probably benefit you more but it still costs a lot of money. The thing is, nobody even knows what depression is, how it's caused or how to cure it. NOBODY. If they did, then there wouldn't be any depressed people.

I would really advise you to exercise. Yes it's boring as hell sometimes but once you start seeing and feeling results you will be a lot happier. Also, change your diet to healthier things and take multivitamins, vitamin B complex, perhaps magnesium(if you're deficient in magenisum it can cause anxiety), and fish oils.

I would go to a doctor and have him take a blood test to see if you have possible thyroid problems or deficiency in anything that is known to cause anxiety/depression.

I know it's extremely hard to start this radical life change but it's a lot better than moping around feeling sorry for yourself.

I remember you started a thread a couple years ago saying you were going on meds or something..let me ask you, how did that turn out? What were the benefits? What kind of terrible side effects that added to your anxiety/depression? Meds should be used as an absolute last resort imo.
 
For the people saying go seek professional help? What will that honestly accomplish? Think about it.

Psychiatry is a giant guessing game. They don't know any more then this community does. Feel something? "HEY HERE'S A PILL!! TRY THIS OUT!! IF THIS DOESN'T WORK, WELL DON'T WORRY WE GOT A SH!T LOAD OF OTHERS TO TRY FROM!!...oh yea we're gonna also need $5k for our services too! kthxbai".

Seeing a psychologist would probably benefit you more but it still costs a lot of money. The thing is, nobody even knows what depression is, how it's caused or how to cure it. NOBODY. If they did, then there wouldn't be any depressed people.

I would really advise you to exercise. Yes it's boring as hell sometimes but once you start seeing and feeling results you will be a lot happier. Also, change your diet to healthier things and take multivitamins, vitamin B complex, perhaps magnesium(if you're deficient in magenisum it can cause anxiety), and fish oils.

I would go to a doctor and have him take a blood test to see if you have possible thyroid problems or deficiency in anything that is known to cause anxiety/depression.

I know it's extremely hard to start this radical life change but it's a lot better than moping around feeling sorry for yourself.

I remember you started a thread a couple years ago saying you were going on meds or something..let me ask you, how did that turn out? What were the benefits? What kind of terrible side effects that added to your anxiety/depression? Meds should be used as an absolute last resort imo.

There are plenty of therapies available based on science and clinical studies. There are also many therapists who offer sliding scale. I personally, would not discount them so easily. That's not to say there aren't plenty of other options and I wholeheartedly agree with you about exercise. It's one of the best natural anti depressants one can do.
 
My mind is too ****ed up I think to have something like CBT work on me. If I'm aware of what I'm doing then it defeats teh purpose of it working doesn't it?

Like, if you're aware of a placebo pill, doesn't that defeat the purpose of it? I feel like if I were to try out certain psychological techniques then it would feel forced and not natural to me thus defeating the purpose of the technique.

Yea, i dunno wtf is wrong with my brain lately, it's just been in a "de-bunking" state lol.
 
The only advice I can give you is to not slink away or hide to avoid situations that make you feel anxious. At least not all the time. Sometimes you just need a reprieve from everything, but don't let it become your default response to uncomfortable situations. Even if you have to force yourself a little, make sure you're still in the thick of it sometimes, otherwise things will never improve. I realise this seems like basic advice, but it's important, and it's easier to slip into that rut than you might think.

Edit:

My mind is too ****ed up I think to have something like CBT work on me. If I'm aware of what I'm doing then it defeats teh purpose of it working doesn't it?

Nope. I obsessed over my anxiety and it's myriad causes for years and CBT still helped me out to some extent, you just need to find the right person. It's not about revealing things you never thought about or turning your expectations on their head, it's about providing a clear and concise direction in order to bridge a gap between you and some form of recovery. For me it was being made more aware of my priorities and where I needed to focus my efforts. Even though it wasn't a huge revelation since I'd had similar thoughts before, having the idea reinforced and made clear by someone else, and by someone whose opinion I valued, was extremely helpful. Ultimately solving my problems is still squarely in my own hands, but I have a better toolset to realise that now.

Like, if you're aware of a placebo pill, doesn't that defeat the purpose of it?

Also nope. Isn't the body weird? :v
 
My dad had a PhD in psychology; his opinion of most shrinks was not too high. They usually have their own issues that drive them to become therapists. Take advice of psychiatrists and psychologists with a grain of salt.
 

This sums up what I think psychiatrists secretly are.

In any case, taking antidepressants couldn't hurt, except for the side effects.
 
I'm also going to strongly advocate seeking some professional help. It's great (and a good sign of community) that everyone here is willing to care for him but in all honesty our capacity on an internet forum to truly help is extremely limited. The best advice in the world still isn't going to be very comforting coming from a computer monitor.

Psychologists and psychiatrists are expensive but do you have any on campus student service centers at your university? I know here in Australia we have a few that give free consultations for as long as you need and the doctors there are generally younger and therefore a lot easier to talk to and relate with then an elderly shrink. I think it's vital that you seek something like this out because it sounds like you really just need someone to talk and vent to in reality. Trust me, as cynical as you may be about those kind of things the difference that just having one person to air your grievances (and who will actually listen) to can take the weight off your shoulders considerably. As bad as your problems are most psychologists will have encountered it with others before, and knowing that there are others that have suffered like you and pulled through can be comforting.

And yes, suicide is truly not the way. As bad as things get just remember hold on, it will pass. Grey clouds will break up in time.

Good luck.
 
The best advice in the world still isn't going to be very comforting coming from a computer monitor.

I don't understand people when they say this. But then again, I grew up in front of the computer monitor and it's warm radiating glow. And Mama Television with her comforting staticy fingers emanating from the glass.

The computer is just a medium. Just like written letters. Great emotions can be stirred by individuals reading written letters from loved ones or friends. The same is true with the computer. If you have that capacity to trust an individual and what they say as true, then it's no less powerful presented as text than it is the spoken word or the handwritten letter.

In my opinion anyway.
 
This is in no way supposed to be an asshat-like / trolling comment but my God, there appears to be a fair number of people with experience of depression on here for such a small community. :|

Also keep in mind that not all are actually talking about it.
 
I don't understand people when they say this. But then again, I grew up in front of the computer monitor and it's warm radiating glow. And Mama Television with her comforting staticy fingers emanating from the glass.

The computer is just a medium. Just like written letters. Great emotions can be stirred by individuals reading written letters from loved ones or friends. The same is true with the computer. If you have that capacity to trust an individual and what they say as true, then it's no less powerful presented as text than it is the spoken word or the handwritten letter.

In my opinion anyway.

I can understand your perspective, I shouldn't have completely dismissed it. I myself really didn't have proper friends outside the world of my online communities when I was younger. I'm not of the opinion that it can't provoke said emotions nor can friendship be untrue online either.

But perhaps I should have stated that specifically in this situation, that I don't think it's going to be help enough. Stig seems in a world of isolation, and though our support is comforting I think in terms of this loneliness one really needs connection with somebody in the flesh. I don't think there's a substitute for that.
 
I don't think Stern meant to be an unsupportive dick, and he makes a valid point - professional help can be dead important.

the troglodytes see what they want to see.

my point is that if he's regulararily having suicidal thoughts he should see a doctor because of the risk of following through. my point was urgency, that's all
 
All I know about depression: listen to the theme from Shaft, avoid Radiohead.
 
Father Ted is a great fountain of wisdom.
 
My internet got cut off literally TWO HOURS after I posted this thread... we ended our contract with Bell, and then the roommate who said he would sign us up with a new ISP, didn't. Worst timing I've experienced all year.

Anyway.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I'm not seeing a therapist or taking any meds, but I think things are under control now. Things with my mom and brother are the same, and I don't expect them to change. I know I'm a failure in their eyes, but he's always been kind of a dick and she seems to have disconnected herself from me because I'm not in school anymore, and I'm not really a huge fan of people who react that way to failure. I simply haven't talked to that non-understanding friend, too; our last conversation ended with me saying a very loud "Goodbye!" as she walked away in frustration, and I kind of like that. I mean I get the misrepresentation issue, and I must be doing that by virtue of my perspective, but we spent a pretty solid amount of time together in the past year talking and cooking and going on walks and stuff, so I really don't see why she would react like this. The situation with my roommates however is completely smoothed over - mostly just a product of mutual awkwardness, since they're not depressed but also know that I am. We're hanging out on about a bi-daily basis now, talking about life and playing vidja'gaems, and that's been really good for me. And without internet, I spent most of the last week-and-a-half listening to the Ricky Gervais XFM series and doing some rather productive music writing. The process is frustrating, but piecing together the end product does help keep me in a right state of mind. And it was good to break me off from my reddit drip-feed, even if I'm going straight back to it :p

I hope I didn't worry anyone by disappearing.
 
It's always hard to find the right words in this kind of situation. You either never say what you mean, what you should, or you just end up offending the person in question in some way.

The fact that you've come out with it and are acknowledging it is a good thing. Nothing kills you more than keeping something inside.

We all know this of course, but I dont think many people actually acknowledge it. I for one as we/I speak am completely in love with a girl from my Uni days. So incredibly sweet, always happy to see me, Im always happy to see her, she always hugs me so gently with her arms around my neck, her eyes light up when I say how unforgettable she looks (without fail every time I see her I say how amazing/beautiful she looks with as much truth I can muster so I know she believes me), she's so beautiful to me it hurts, any other lines I can think of from cheesy love songs, and damn it I cant get her out of my head.

But like an idiot I keep it inside and dont have the balls to tell her how I feel. And the fact we haven't seen each other now in a year as Ive been overseas doesnt help. But still, nothing to lose and I still dont go for it. Never know if you try etc etc. I keep coming up with shit excuses like ''she'll never go for me because Im not ripped enough'' or ''What could she ever see in me?''.

So what? Well, I die a little inside every day. Maybe thats over-dramatic, but it's maddening and saddening at the same time for me. She's beyond amazing, so maternal, so loveable, so bloody single still. Yet I say nothing about what Im feeling, and because she now lives in London and I'm like 3 hours away with a new job, we definitely dont talk...almost at all anymore, but thats the case with all my Uni friends, we all acknowledge that we dont talk that much with any of our mates because we now have jobs. All this just adds up in my head making me think I cant just go see her one weekend with an excuse for being in London, ask her to spend the day with me showing me around, and then just BLOODY KISSING HER.

F**K!!!

It's getting to the point where I'm worrying about myself. Will I be happy with anyone else? Will I turn into some stalker and become obsessed simply because I think about her every day, and do something drastic and out of character to 'get' her, and just completely push her away and end up locked in a rubber room for the rest of my life. And ontop of THAT, I cant even begin to imagine how I would react if she pushed me away if I went to kiss her. That rejection coupled with being in complete love with her for almost 3 years without her knowing...I have no idea.

So yeah, keeping things inside can push you over the edge.

Admitting what you're going through is half the battle. To which you seem to be wading through nicely. You just have to stay strong and force your way through it. Keep doing what you love. If your mum and brother truly see you as a **** up, that's dependant on whether you dropped something to go do something you loved instead. That's the path to happiness, which everyone searches for and few ever find, simply to be seen as equal in society.

Personally I would atleast go back to your friend who you shouted goodbye at and smooth things over. The last thing you want now is to start losing friends out of ''cant be arsed'' disease. Even if she was at fault, but its easier if you were at fault. She'll appreciate the thought and will probably be fine with it given your time together. Just dont go overboard with chocolates or a scary bear or anything.

Again, hard to know what to say or to even summarise. And it warms me to know that there are some decent people in this community that put aside the stereotypical forum reactions we usually see and come running to someone's aid when it's needed most.
 
You worried me man, I've been hoping you're okay since you haven't been on HL2net and you appear to have deleted your facebook at some point?

Whenever it gets bad, just remember that your life is all up to you, and you can make it awesome, you only have to try. Even if you want to turn your back on the world and all the people in your life, you can accomplish that by just dropping everything and going somewhere else. Like here!
 
Good to see things are going better for you Stig.

About your mom and brother... my advice is to just say "**** em" kind of how you've done. Not so much in that sense... but the fact that they're going to think that they want to think and you can't really influence that. Not only you can't, but you shouldn't have to. If they're going to be negative and shitty about things like that, then let them feel that way while not letting it get to you.

A big part of how I view life is not following the paths others in your life want you to take, unless you genuinely want that. Don't get married just cause your mom or dad wants grand kids. It's not their life, it's theirs... and lineage means jack shit in all honestly. I know the marriage thing doesn't apply to what you were talking about, but it still falls along the lines of live your own life how you want to live it. Be depressed about failure when you feel you've failed, not because somebody who isn't you thinks you've failed.
 
I spent most of the last week-and-a-half listening to the Ricky Gervais XFM series

Oh come on now, that's just cheating. Nobody could stay depressed with Ricky laughing like a babboon every five seconds. :p
 
I have to admit, I laugh every time Ricky is so wracked with laughter that everything screeches out of him, regardless of what he's laughing at.
 
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