Joke Thread! Oh Yea!!!!

Dog--

Dog--

The Freeman
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Haven't had one of these threads in a while, so lets tell some jokes, bitches!


What kind of bees make milk?






































Boo-Bees

HA!


...



Your turn!
 
Bob is in big trouble, bob forgot his wifes anniversy gift his wife was very pissed, she told him "tommarow morning there better be a present that goes from o to 60 in 2 seconds on the driveway or its your head" so the next morning bob got up rly early and went out and got a gift and placed it on the driveway and went back to bed when his wife woke up she looked out the window and saw the gift she ran out to the driveway and brought it in side excited she opened it and there was a BRAND NEW bathroom weight scale.



I am sorry to inform u but bob has been missing sence friday
 
VroomVroomRawr said:
bob is in big trouble bob forgot his wifes anniversy gift his wife was very pissed she told him tommarow morning there better be a present that goes from o to 60 in 2 seconds on the driveway tommarow morning or its your head so the next morning bob got up rly early and went got a gift and plasced it on the driveway and went back to bed when his wife woke up she looked out the window and saw the gift she ran out to the driveway and brought it in side excited she opened it and there was a BRAND NEW bathroom weight scale



i am sorry to inform u but bob has been missing sence friday
Click to expand...

*brain overheats*

oh, wait i understand.
 
im not a punctuation dude its a waste of time put ur own dam punctuation if its gonna kill u god just dont complain about it
 
I was on the plane the other day and I was sitting next to a passenger who was trying really hard to start a conversation this is how it went:
Him: Hey
Me: Hello.
Him: Where you headed?
Me: Same place as you...
 
VroomVroomRawr said:
im not a punctuation dude its a waste of time put ur own dam punctuation if its gonna kill u god just dont complain about it
Click to expand...

Im still deciding wether to put "Get the **** out" or "STFU"




Meh, maybe neither. :p
 
I love u to man just some of us r lazy asses like me who dont like taking the time for some dots and sguigles inbetween there letter haha but if it hurtz u that much just pretend its there
 
Got this from another web site and thought it was hilarious!

Girls -- Please Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,"WHAT?"I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
 
It's actually Deez not Dee. It's from Tony Hawk Underground 1. Fatty goes Operation: Deez, Operation: Deez What? Operation: Deez Nutz, now get going.

Hmm great call that one Vroom, I left it open especially so you can get me back and you waste in on that...Tsk Tsk.
 
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
 
whats the difference between babies and apples?

I don't cum on apples before I eat um!


how do you circumcise a hillbilly?

kick his sister in the jaw!


what did the leper say to the hooker?

keep the tip!
 
Dammit I can't remember Scratchy Sally...
 
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
 
Two Red Sox fans are on a train down to New York to watch their team play the Yankees. They start making fun of a couple of Yankee supporters who only have one ticket between the two of them.

Just before the conductor appears both Yankee fans go into the bathroom and lock the door behind them. When the conductor knocks on the door they slip the ticket under the door, the conductor clips it and slides it back under the door and off he goes.

On the return journey the Red Sox fans decide to pull the same trick and purchase only one ticket for the two of them. They notice that yet again the two Yankees supporters only have one ticket between them. The Red Sox fans realize there is only one bathroom per carriage and quickly take the lead, locking themselves in first, leaving the Yankees fans with nowhere to go.

A minute later the Yankees fan without a ticket strolls over to the bathroom and knocks on the door.
 
VroomVroomRawr][I'm] not a punctuation dude[ said:
Bob is in big trouble, [as] Bob forgot his [wife's] [anniversary] gift[.] [His] wife was very pissed, [and] she told him "[Tommorow] morning there [had] better be a present that goes from [0] to 60 in 2 seconds on the driveway[,] or [it's] your head"[,] so the next morning [Bob] got up [really] early, went out and got a gift, and placed it on the driveway[,] and [then] went back to bed[.] [When] his wife woke up[,] she looked out [through] the window and saw the gift [on the driveway][.] [She] ran out to the driveway and brought it [inside], [and in a state of excitement][,] opened it[,] and there was a BRAND NEW bathroom weight scale [!]



I am sorry to inform [you], but [Bob] has been missing [since] [Friday].
Click to expand...

A translation for those of us who fall in the "punctuation dude" (I.e IQ>100) category. :thumbs:
 
Neo_Kuja's on the case! I'm always tickled by the spelling and punctuation errors in online forums. I'm not saying I don't do it myself, but it's still funny when I read it (the way baby talk is funny).
 
If you dont write correctly in a place where our sole method of communication is writing, then you need to gtfo. And triple posting within ten minutes is a sign of retardation. You have an edit button for a reason.
 
No it's not a sign of retardation, it's a sign of people not posting. Remember you cannot see any new posts without reloading the page and when I write the jokes down I don't reload until I press Post Quick Reply. Therefore I do not know that no-one has posted. Also I am not going to edit it into one post because then I'll have two posts saying something along the lines of "Damn double post" or "Accidentally double posted". That's retarded. It atleast looks normal if they are all full of my contribution to the thread.
 
2 chavs have a race off the edge of a cliff, who wins?

Society.

3 guys walk into a pub, one of them's a bit stupid, and the whole thing unfolds..with a tedious inevitability...
 
An old woman goes to her doctor: -

"Doctor, I have very uncontrollable flatulence, but it makes no sound or smell!"

He examines her briefly, then gives her some pills, and tells her to come again the next week.

A week passes, and the lady returns.

"Doctor, I still have very uncontrollable flatulence! It still makes no smell, but they have become very loud!"

The doctor raises an eyebrow and exclaims "Well that's your hearing sorted, now to cure your nose..."




... Well, it was funny the first time I heard it.
Oh, and Samon is a stupid slag. Epic win \o/
 
Jokes just don't work on the internet. They really aren't the same without body language and subtle differences in pronunciation and tone.
 
VroomVroomRawr said:
im not a punctuation dude its a waste of time put ur own dam punctuation if its gonna kill u god just dont complain about it
Click to expand...
It's so wonderful to read this post...and then to look up and see that this guy is banned.
 
What does micheal jackson think sex is?





Childs play! Hahaha...ha...ha. *groans*
 
A girl goes to her church, and walks up to the priest for a confession

Girl: Father, for I have sinned, I've called a boy a Son of a Bitch

Father: Why did you do that?

Girl: Well, he grabbed my arm!

Father: Like this? *while grabbing her arm*

Girl: Yeah, that's it!

Father: Well, that's no reason to call him that name

Girl: Well, he grabbed my breasts!

Father: Wait...like this? *While grabbing her breasts*

Girl: Yeah yeah! that's it!

Father: Well, that's still no reason to call him that name.

Girl: But he took off my clothes!!!

Father: Like this? *While stripping her naked*

Girl: Yeah yeah!

Father: Well, that's still no reason to call him that

Girl: But he put his 'you know what' in my 'you know where'!!

Father: Like this? *while doing...well you know.*


-----10 minutes later-----


Girl: Yeah, just like that!

Father: Well, that's no reason to call him that name.

Girl: But he has AIDS!!!!

Father: SON OF A BITCH!

personal jokes I made years upon years ago. I know it sucks. :(
 
CyberPitz said:
A girl goes to her church, and walks up to the priest for a confession

Girl: Father, for I have sinned, I've called a boy a Son of a Bitch

Father: Why did you do that?

Girl: Well, he grabbed my arm!

Father: Like this? *while grabbing her arm*

Girl: Yeah, that's it!

Father: Well, that's no reason to call him that name

Girl: Well, he grabbed my breasts!

Father: Wait...like this? *While grabbing her breasts*

Girl: Yeah yeah! that's it!

Father: Well, that's still no reason to call him that name.

Girl: But he took off my clothes!!!

Father: Like this? *While stripping her naked*

Girl: Yeah yeah!

Father: Well, that's still no reason to call him that

Girl: But he put his 'you know what' in my 'you know where'!!

Father: Like this? *while doing...well you know.*


-----10 minutes later-----


Girl: Yeah, just like that!

Father: Well, that's no reason to call him that name.

Girl: But he has AIDS!!!!

Father: SON OF A BITCH!

personal jokes I made years upon years ago. I know it sucks. :(
Click to expand...


Actually, I lol'd :D
 
I LOLed.




(Posted on HL2.net before I think, still funny though)
A woman is at a supermarket doing her weekly shopping. She gets in the queue for the check-out and patiently waits. There is a drunk behind her in the queue, but she tries to ingore him.

After a minute she turns around to look at the drunk and out of nowhere he blurts out "You must be single!". The woman is shocked, but also curious, because she is, indeed, single. She looks down at the items in her basket; milk; bread; cheese; chicken and a mixed salade, and can see nothing that could give him a hit as to whether she has a boyfriend or not.

For the first time, she looks the drunk in the eyes and says
"You know what? I actually am single. How'd you know?"
"BECAUSE YOU'RE UGLY!"
 
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